Sometimes the need to be loved, wanted, and desired is so strong that it makes you stay in situations that are unhealthy for you. My girlfriend told me a story about how she was with a man for several years: she said it was a rollercoaster of emotion and constant heartbreak. It was a dysfunctional relationship. He had a drinking problem, was a controlling asshole, but he knew how to sweet talk her when he needed to - which was pretty much all the time. He told her that she should fly home and be with her family, who lived in the Midwest, because he said he was never going to visit them. Nice guy.
They got engaged and a couple of months before the wedding, he broke up with her. He had met somebody else, and he wanted to date her. They were living together at the time, and after a couple of months of her staying there post break-up, he told her to hit the bricks. He wanted her to move out for good. Six months later, they got back together, but she never moved back in with him; instead, the relationship consisted of her going to his apartment a couple nights a week. It was all on his terms. She was his part-time girlfriend, if that. She was more like the "she'll do for now until I find somebody else" girl. And he did. He found the girl that he would later marry, and she was left in the cold once again. After the initial break-up, she had wasted 3 years with a man who did not love her and didn't really want to be with her. They had been together for 10.
After she told me the story, I immediately thought "How could you just stay in that bad relationship for 3 years after being told that he didn't love you anymore and he didn't want to be with you?!", but then as if she knew what I was thinking said: "I know. How could I stay in that bad situation? It was masochistic, but at the time, I couldn't help myself. I was my own worst enemy."
And then I think about some of my past relationships, the people I've loved, and the bad situations in which I've gotten myself into, and I
understand. The need to be loved by somebody can be so powerful that it can make us into torture victims. Sometimes it's not about the love you feel for the actual person, it's more about not being able to let go of the notion of that person loving you. They reject you, and you are so desperate for that love that you settle for anything. Settling will always cause you pain in the end.
Bonnie Raitt wrote some of the most poignant song lyrics about love and breaking up: "I can't make you love me if you don't." It's that simple. You can't make somebody love you, despite how much you want them to or as much as you try to make them. Love is a funny thing: you can't help who you fall in love with.
Don't waste your time with those who do not love you back. Defy the masochist within and most importantly, learn to love yourself.
