Love Bytes: Advice

As many of you know, this blog used to be entirely about love and relationships. I am a former dating columnist for an online magazine, and I created this site to talk about my experiences with dating and relationships, as well as give advice to those who ask for it. As the site progressed, I got a little burnt out from writing about the same topic day in and day out. I guess you could say I'm Carrie with ADD. I like the freedom of being able to write anything I want - basically anything that amuses me at the moment. Now, the blog is pop culture, art, news, and once in a while I like to throw in some relationship/dating stuff.

Just recently, I came across an e-mail in my inbox from an incredibly articulate, intelligent woman who was asking for some much needed love advice. It brought me back to the days of being a dating columnist and how much I loved helping women with their dating problems. I spent my 20's in constant misery as I dated, loved, and lost. I went through a lot, and I've always wanted to share my experiences and the lessons I learned from them with all women who are going through now what I did then.

This is the e-mail I received:

I'm 38 and seem to be having a premature mid-life crisis. I just feel very much unfulfilled in both my personal and professional life. That's disheartening at this stage in life. I always thought that by 38 I would have everything together, yet in many ways I'm still searching.

I guess this was precipitated by a recent breakup. Its not that I'm terribly heartbroken, since we only dated for 2 months, not nearly enough time to fall in love. Its just the manner in which it happened that dealt a blow to my self esteem, and really made me look inward.

It happened last week. We met at a cafe and after finishing dinner he decided to break the news. In my old age I've lost my patience with insensitive men and I was just so annoyed by his business-like demeanor and the whole premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him there rather than going there together, obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwords. The moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, got up and calmly walked over to his side of the table and then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.

The resounding whack caught everyone's attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. I feel badly because I know it must have stung and left a red mark. I hope I'm not becoming psychotic. I didn't think I was capable of such behavior. I should swallow my pride and call him to apologize but it's just so difficult to do.

In retrospect, maybe I was more frustrated with myself than with him. The fact that I'm still unattached at 38 and just got dumped in public by someone five years my junior is not very inspiring. I really do feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

Dear 38 and Frustrated,
I hope things are going better for you since you wrote. I know break-ups, even the brief ones, can be painful and self-esteem crushing experiences!

I think it's so easy these days to feel as if there's something missing in our lives. We are bombarded on a daily basis with messages to marry, have children, make lots of money, have an amazing career, and retire with a million + plus dollars. It's ridiculous, and very few people can actually achieve it all. It's so easy to look at our lives and think, "My life is missing something because I don't have (fill in the blank}". From your e-mail, you seem like an intelligent woman who knows what she wants in life. You've lived life, and you've had many experiences to get you to this point. You say you aren't happy with your professional or personal life. Not many people are, and the ones who say they are - usually are lying lol. You have to constantly tell yourself that you are doing the best you can.

Try to work on one aspect of your life at a time. What part of your life makes you the unhappiest? If it's your personal life, then start focusing your energy on building up yourself first. Engage in things that you love. Maybe it's going out to dinner with girlfriends, cooking, hiking, taking a class, reading, yoga, or just relaxing at home while watching one of your favorite movies, etc. The key to finding a great guy is making yourself happy first. The more positive energy you exude, the better quality guy you will find.

I love that you smacked Mr. Two Months. It's like something out of a Bacall and Bogart movie. It may not have been the most rational or PC thing to do, but it was pretty damn fabulous if you ask me. I have to suggest some great books: Why Men Love Bitches (there's also a new one called Why Men Marry Bitches, although I haven't read it) and He's Just Not That Into You. They are fantastic books for women, and it doesn't matter if you're 20 or 50; every single woman out there can appreciate them.

If you are unhappiest with your professional life, then start reading up on ways to either move up in the company or finding a new career/job. There are also great classes you can take on the subject of advancing your career. It might be something to look into. And, you never know, but you could meet a great guy who is in the same boat as you in class with you. Just a thought ;-

I really appreciate you reaching out to me. I hope you find all the happiest in the world.

Colette