Sharks with Laser Beams and Now This

I love that this picture was taken at a Doubletree hotel.

(Via Passive-Aggressive Notes)

Just Say No To Dudes on the Pole

(Via Passive Aggressive Notes)

I Wanted to Talk to You, But I Had to Take a Sh#t

Have you ever been just minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you realize that you have to take a shit really bad? Well that's what happened to me this morning.

It was around 8 AM today (Thursday) when I was sitting on Metro North and got that horrible feeling. I wasn't even sure I'd make it to Grand Central. Unfortunately, taking a shit on the train was out of the question. Have you ever seen a Metro North bathroom? My only choice was to sit there an pretend nothing was a matter.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally arrived at Grand Central. I made my way to the front of the train so I wouldn't have to deal with all the people on the platform when I got off. It was at this time that I realized that taking a shit in Grand Central was also out of the question. I think there is probably about a 75% chance that you'll get hepatitis if you try to take a shit in Grand Central. My only choice was to try to make it to my luxury Chelsea office where we actually have sanitary bathrooms.

Now it's probably about 8:10. As I'm running down the stairs into the subway, I notice the downtown 4-5-6 platform is exceptionally crowded. The conductor of the 5 train announces that the 5 train is out of service, and all passengers must leave the train. It must be Murphy's Law in action.

I walked across the platform to get on the downtown 6 train when I saw you standing next to me. You were probably about average height for a girl, brown hair, black or dark blue jacket, green skirt, brown boots, and a great smile.

ON ANY OTHER DAY, I would have swept you off your feet. If you were to ask any of my girlfriends in the last few years, they would probably tell you that I just came up to them on the street, in a book store, in the subway, etc, and said, "Hi," before proceding to charm the a smile out of them. But today was not my day. There was no way I could have confidently talked to you while at the same time pretending nothing was wrong with my bowels.

Anyway, we both got on a very crowded 6 train. I was holding on to the pole for dear life, and you were holding on to the same pole standing across from me. I'm 5'11", brown hair, athletic build, and I was wearing jeans, a blueish t-shirt, and a black jacket. I think you got off at 28th St, but I was in no state of mind to keep track. It could have been 33rd or 23rd.

When I finally reached my office, I ran up 4 flights of stairs (because I couldn't wait for the elevator) and made a beeline to the bathroom, unzipping my pants as I opened the door. I swear, if I had been delayed by even a second because I tried to get your number in the subway, I would have had to call someone to bring my some new clothes. I barely had my pants down when it forced itself out. I ended up using entire industrial sized roll of toilet paper. You have no idea how raw my ass felt after using that much 1-ply sandpaper-toilet paper. I think the toilet itself is in therapy now.


***Summary***

You:
Took downtown 6 from Grand Central
Brown hair
Black (or other dark color) jacket
Green skirt
Brown boots


Me:
5'11"
Athletic build
Dark blue jeans
Blueish t-shirt
Black jacket
Normally extremely confident
Fears public bathrooms

Via Best of Craigslist

This is What Happens When Yoda is Your Editor

Was this really the best they could do for a headline? Really?!?!

If you click on the link below and read some of the comments, they are hysterical. I particularly like the one person who asks: "Did Tonto write this?"

(Via Best Week Ever)

Do You Like Websites?

The offbeat, but very funny comedian, Zach Galifianakis, interviews Mad Men star, Jon Hamm, and it's pretty ridiculous, not to mention hilarious.

There"s nobody that more consistently produces web video greatness than Zach Galifianakis (except maybe for this hamster). The previous episodes of his Funny or Die talk show Between Two Ferns were fantastic, and this new one with guest Jon Hamm may be the best yet.

(Via Comedy.com via Funny or Die)

Some People Like Burgers and Some People LIKE Burgers

Why do I get a feeling the next time I order a burger, I'm going to feel dirty?

I once dated a guy who moaned and grunted when he ate. One time, I brought him home a slice of Oreo cheesecake, and I thought he was going to have an orgasm on the spot. Ew.

(Via The Soup)

Dick Whitman or the Guy from Simply Red?

This month's GQ has a really bad photo shoot with one of my all-time favorite leading men: Jon Hamm aka Don Draper on AMC's Mad Men. I sent one of my best girlfriend's, Jaime, two of the pictures from the layout, and as I had suspected, she didn't care for the pictures, either.

This was our e-mail:

Me: What's up with the placement of the hat?!

Jaime: What is up with My Friend Flicka in the background? You can totally tell this whole shoot was conceived by a heterosexual man who is sooo jealous of D-Drapes that he wanted to completely emasculate him and turn him into Huck Finn or by a homosexual male who thinks that what he is wearing is fetching in a hip incorrigible hobo sort of way and that all women love horses so yeah, let's throw a horse in the background and they'll go wild.

The last man a woman would want in her house is an unemployed dude with a horse. Does not matter how hot he is. Seriously, I'd take employed man with pot-bellied pig over homeless with horse any day.

I feel like Paul Rudd fills his inbox with this picture and alternate titles for it of varying levels of ridicule all day.

Me: I'm trying not to burst out laughing right now because nobody around me is going to think this is funny. I hope to God, Paul Rudd tools on him mercilessly because this is one of the worst photo shoots I've ever seen. You take one of the most ridiculously handsome men and turn him into a stable boy?!

Yeah, I think the photographer was going for the whole Dick Whitman motif, but failed miserably because even Dick Whitman wouldn't be caught dead wearing a ridiculous hat like this. And look at the way it's placed on his head! It's so 80s new wave band, I can't stand it. I feel as if he's going to break out singing "Come on Eileen" at any moment. Not sexy.

Umm, how about just throw the guy in a suit? He looks fantastic in a suit. Jon Hamm is the type of guy who was made to wear a suit. Instead, they put him in a porkpie hat, throw him in a field, and tell him to channel Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn. He's a grown man! Throw Emile Hirsch in a corn field or James McAvoy, but not Jon Hamm!

Then, I sent her the 2nd picture.

Jaime: Okay, this confirms that it is actually a hetero man who set this up...stalk of wheat in the mouth?!!!! As evidence I will hearken back to every July or August cover of Playboy in the 1980s. Due to a poignant and predictable lack of imagination on the part of hetero male America, summer issues would always feature "Southern Belles" or "Texas Debs" and would inevitably portray these women in Daisy Dukes sprawled out over classic cars or taking a much deserved nude nap in a pile of hay. But the perennial accoutrement, the piece de resistance, was always stalk of wheat or straw or hay or whatever that sh*t is in the mouth.

Seriously, who in Viking hell would think chewing on straw is sexy. Goat-f##kers, that's who. Plus it's also so cliché. Let's do a "country-bumpkin" photo shoot and let's make him pose with some straw in his mouth to really tie the ribbon up on that package. I'm sure the next issue of this magazine features Amy Adams dressed up like 40s screen siren or Jim Carey as a sad clown because no one's ever thought to shoot them that way except for everyone who has ever taken a picture of them.

If I were Jennifer Westfeldt I would f'ing sue the photographer on this shoot for defacing private property.

You're Welcome

"Sing a song, get behind the piano, put on a tiny hat."

Your Cheating Heart

Passive Aggressive Notes posted this juicy tidbit from a guy named Nick, who apparently can't spell to save his life. Let this be a lesson to anybody who leaves their phone on when they're cheating.

Read from the bottom up.

Break These Chains of Love

The other night, I met up with one of my good friends, a guy I've known for about 8 years now, for dinner. After dinner, as we were having a couple of drinks, my friend told me a hilarious story, and it was too funny not to share. He said one night after work (he's a waiter), he stopped by this hotel bar to have a couple of drinks before last call. He said that it was the only bar in the area that was open until 2am, and it was the last call spot for all the waiters/waitresses.
One mixed drink = $13
Hitting up a bar for a couple of drinks after a stressful shift = Priceless.

He sat down at the bar and started talking to a girl in her 20s who was there by herself, drinking Jameson straight and sketching in her notepad. She was the artsy type. They struck up a conversation and hit it off. They wanted to keep the party going. He told her that he had rum at his apartment, and she said that her friend had some weed at hers.

They made a couple of pit stops and then went back to her place to get really drunk and stoned with one of her friends. Around 4am, the girlfriend left and the two crazy kids started going at it. He said it was getting kinky and that she was pretty wild and adventurous. She introduced some metal handcuffs into the situation, and although he was hesitant to wear handcuffs, he agreed after she assured him that she had the key.

So, they did their thing, and then he asked her to get the key to the handcuffs. It was now 6 in the morning, and he had a lunch shift at the restaurant where he worked. He needed to get the handcuffs off, go home, take a shower, and go to work. However, there was a wrench in the plans: she couldn't find the KEY. She had no idea where it was. They tried busting the lock. They tried pulling them off, but nothing worked. This is when my friend started freaking the fuck out.

What do you do when you are in a set of handcuffs in some random one night stand's apartment and you have work in a few hours? He called a locksmith. A FUCKING LOCKSMITH! The guy came to the apartment and had to free him from a set of handcuffs. Can you imagine?! I mean, that must've made the guy's year because that is hilarious, and guaranteed, any time that locksmith gets drunk with a group of people, he tells that story. How could he not?!

My friend had to pay $100 to get his wrists freed from the metal cuffs. He had to call into the restaurant where he worked and told the manager that "he was in a bind", but the manager was pissed and wasn't going to let it slide, telling him he had to come in. So, what did my friend do? He told his manager that he was in a pair of handcuffs and wouldn't be out of them by opening. The guy was dumbfounded, as anybody would be in that situation.

In the end, my friend got written up for missing a shift, which makes me wonder if that little tidbit of information was put in his file: "Got handcuffed by some random chick and missed work." Yeah, that's definitely a restaurant industry no no.

Chocolate Amnesia

Dove Chocolate has an ad about a woman who loves chocolate so much that she can't stop eating it even when she experiences a rather negative physical side effect.

(Via Adverbox)

The Best of Craigslist

Craigslist is one of those great sites where you can buy a car, rent an apartment, find a boyfriend, and nail a hooker all in a day's time. The Best of Craigslist is a medley of all the weird, wacky, and usually very funny ads that people post. They will shock, disgust, but I guarantee you will laugh.

To the tranny that blew that guy on the 49 bus last night"So thanks for hopping on that very crowded bus, sitting 2 feet from me and making out with the goofy looking guy. That was odd, but no big deal. But when I looked over and your head was in his lap I was like -- "Are you fucking kidding me, you are now going to blow him?".

Why I'll be the Best 'Psycho' Ex-Girlfriend You've Ever Had!

In the sobering light of morning, you'll forget that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and instead opt for a "two-night stand" but you'll quickly realize that I am having none of that and somehow weasle my way into staying over, cooking breakfast and reading your newspaper. I will also have conveniently brought my toothbrush and some sanitary products which I quickly store in your bathroom cabinets since 'I'm going to be spending a lot of time at your place.' Your Maxim magazines will go from the top of the toilet to the bottom of the wastebasket because I find them 'offensive' and 'immature.'

Baby Bird

Jaws Kitty

I haven't laughed in about a week, so when I watched this video of a little guy I'm going to call "Jaws Kitty", I was very happy. I laughed, and it felt great. Notice the black eyes. Cats are so weird when they get interested in something: their pupils dilate. They look all cracked out. They're strange little creatures, but I love them.

Colette on BitchBuzz: Relationship Rituals Exposed!

This is an article where I take really shitty women's advice from Glamour (quelle surprise!) and expose the truth. Will these relationship rituals spice up your love life? I'm going with "No way."

(Via BitchBuzz)

5 Cringe-Worthy Corporate Songs

I came across this article in Holy Taco last night, and I was giggling so much that J wanted to know what the hell I was looking at!

My favorite is Mindshare's version of Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" and turning it into "We Work Hard For Your Money". The worst part about it, besides the song choice, is the video features a bunch of their employees singing this diddy "We Are The World" style. How many employees quit that day, I wonder?


http://view.break.com/552601 - Watch more free videos

Former Naked Dater

I was going through my Photobucket album, and I came across the old logo to my former online dating column, Monique Dating Naked. Colette is my middle name! I'm not sure who came up with the name, Monique Dating Naked. I'll be honest. I think it might've been me. It's pretty ridiculous, I know. I think my editor and I were looking for a name that would best convey sexiness and the candid advice I doled out to my lovelorn readers. The logo cracks me up. The funniest part is they even had t-shirts ha ha. God, I wish I had bought one.

You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"

Cynthia Heimel