Sometimes the need to be loved, wanted, and desired is so strong that it makes you stay in situations that are unhealthy for you. My girlfriend told me a story about how she was with a man for several years: she said it was a rollercoaster of emotion and constant heartbreak. It was a dysfunctional relationship. He had a drinking problem, was a controlling asshole, but he knew how to sweet talk her when he needed to - which was pretty much all the time. He told her that she should fly home and be with her family, who lived in the Midwest, because he said he was never going to visit them. Nice guy.
They got engaged and a couple of months before the wedding, he broke up with her. He had met somebody else, and he wanted to date her. They were living together at the time, and after a couple of months of her staying there post break-up, he told her to hit the bricks. He wanted her to move out for good. Six months later, they got back together, but she never moved back in with him; instead, the relationship consisted of her going to his apartment a couple nights a week. It was all on his terms. She was his part-time girlfriend, if that. She was more like the "she'll do for now until I find somebody else" girl. And he did. He found the girl that he would later marry, and she was left in the cold once again. After the initial break-up, she had wasted 3 years with a man who did not love her and didn't really want to be with her. They had been together for 10.
After she told me the story, I immediately thought "How could you just stay in that bad relationship for 3 years after being told that he didn't love you anymore and he didn't want to be with you?!", but then as if she knew what I was thinking said: "I know. How could I stay in that bad situation? It was masochistic, but at the time, I couldn't help myself. I was my own worst enemy."
And then I think about some of my past relationships, the people I've loved, and the bad situations in which I've gotten myself into, and I understand. The need to be loved by somebody can be so powerful that it can make us into torture victims. Sometimes it's not about the love you feel for the actual person, it's more about not being able to let go of the notion of that person loving you. They reject you, and you are so desperate for that love that you settle for anything. Settling will always cause you pain in the end.
Bonnie Raitt wrote some of the most poignant song lyrics about love and breaking up: "I can't make you love me if you don't." It's that simple. You can't make somebody love you, despite how much you want them to or as much as you try to make them. Love is a funny thing: you can't help who you fall in love with.
Don't waste your time with those who do not love you back. Defy the masochist within and most importantly, learn to love yourself.
6 comments:
When I was younger I did this - stayed in a relationship for too long with someone who treated me like crap!
Recently, I posted a blog about this postcard I saw on Post Secret. It was a picture of a tattoo and it said, "we accept the love we THINK we deserve." I think that says it all.
wow, been there. Thanks for the post, even if it brought back bad memories. What I learned is that we can't help falling in love, but we sure can help whether or not we act on it- like being addicted to something, or someone, or some idea about ourselves, but not letting it control our lives any longer. Sometimes it helps if someone else can yank us out of the quagmire- such as a good friend, who loves us as we deserve, so that we can see the glaring difference.
Phatchik - That is very true. I know there were times in my life when I had low self-esteem, and it directly affected how I treated myself and let other people treat me in relationships.
Sarah - Yes, sometimes the people we love or think we love become more of an addiction rather than a deep, meaningful love. And when you're in that situation, sometimes it's difficult to see that you're in it. You can't always see the forest through the trees.
Interesting, and I've been there. But as a self-identified emotional and physical masochist, this is not, to me, what masochism means.
Masochism as I experience it is a spiritual (for lack of a better word) journey and psychological release. It is to step outside of the boundaries of what is pleasurable, fun and kinky, to what is genuinely difficult, and to go through that dark night of the mind, allow the self to melt away, surrender, and come out victorious.
So to me, allowing someone to abuse you like that is almost the opposite of masochism - it's refusing to face the darkness of the breakup, and allowing yourself to be defeated by that fear.
I guess I saw that photo, was turned on, and when I read the blog, I felt all conflicted and gooey inside, so... this is what came out. :3
Firefly,
Very interesting take on the post. And, you are correct in that "masochism" usually connotes pleasure of some sort. It's the pleasure you get out of being in pain. Yes, I completely understand what you're saying, and thank you for saying it so eloquently.
I've used the term "masochism", as a way to describe a person's self-destructive nature, as if to say that he/she must have to experience some pleasure from the pain if one chooses to stay in such a bad situation. But yes, the literal meaning is when one derives actual pleasure from the pain, and it's usually seen in sexual light.
Helmut Newton is one of my favorite photographers, and I love this photo because it's so naughty and submissive. It reminds me of that scene in Secretarywhen she's wearing the saddle around the office.
Hmmm. Perhaps I'm delving into personal meanings here, but my definition of "real" masochism is going beyond the point where pain is interpreted as pleasure to the point where it's really just pain. Semantics, maybe, but significant to me if not to anyone else.
I guess it's the difference between a psychological cleansing by fire and a spicy but pleasurable encounter.
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