Thursday, January 9, 2014

Fuck Yo' Resolutions and Grab Change by the Balls

New Year's resolutions are useless and they're designed to fail, because people set the goals too high too quickly. If you're going to make changes in your life, you don't need to do it at a specific time of year: Change can happen at any time. Don't create restrictions for yourself. Let the change take over naturally.

Instead of creating a huge list of goals at the beginning of the year, set a small goal weekly. If you want to join a gym at the beginning of the year, by all means do it, but don't punish yourself by telling yourself you're going to work out religiously and by February, going once a week and feeling bad about it. Set attainable goals that you know you can achieve and build from there.

You can always sign up for a new gym and start going twice a week. Maybe some weeks, you'll go more frequently, and maybe some weeks you'll only go once. Set the goal for going once a week. Give yourself some wiggle room. If you start your goal at "I'm going to go 5 times a week", you're going to burn out by February or March and end up not going at all. You'll find yourself on the sofa eating Cheetos, feeling like shit, because you failed at your New Year's resolution to become a gym rat.

Instead of setting a goal stipulating that you will go on a diet, make a list of your guilty pleasure foods and which days you indulge the most. Do you eat big meals, or just graze all day with snacks? Which time of day do you binge? By analyzing your routine, you can pinpoint when you are eating the most and what you are eating the most and worst of. For example, if I eat ice cream Monday through Friday night, I could set a small goal for myself to not eat ice cream one night during those five days every week. If by the end of that month, I feel that I should increase it to not eating two nights Monday through Friday, then I would set another goal. Small goals over time create the most change.

Instead of focusing on resolutions, take a look at the unhealthy, ineffective patterns in your life. Then ask yourself "How can I make this better? What do I need to change? How can I switch up my routine? And how can I do so without failing?" You have to always keep in mind that you are a work in progress.

Some weeks you are going to fail, and that's okay. Just focus on the next week. There is no need to be self-critical. You may fail one week, but you are far from a failure. Keep it movin'. A week is just a week. Move on to the next week and do better. At the three month mark, you're going to look at your progress. Ask yourself "How do I feel compared to when I started? How is my progress coming? What do I need to improve? Do I need to make changes to the goal itself?"

You may decide that since your progress is going so well, you want to increase the goal. For example, I might be going to yoga twice a week, and I'm feeling so positive about my weekly routine that I wish to increase my goal to three times a week. Or I may have set a goal to go to yoga twice a week, but I'm only making it in once a week. Decrease the goal, but look at what's holding you back from not hitting it. The key is to recognize your patterns in your routines and make changes.

Be easy on yourself. Love yourself. Focus on your happiness first. Believe in change and how it can work for you and know that it's more simple than it seems. Don't take on more than you can chew. A small goal can easily gain incredible results in the end.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Yoncé All on His Mouth Like Liquor: Beyonce's Album

Beyonce's album dropped last Thursday at midnight, and I have not stopped listening to it. I am completely obsessed with its 14 songs and 17 videos.

In my opinion, the best songs on the album are "Pretty Hurts", "Partition", "Drunk in Love", and "Mine." Beyonce shows her sexy side on this album. She's a grown woman who enjoys sex with her husband, works hard, goes through emotions and has insecurities like any woman, and loves her child. The album features the many facets of Beyonce: the woman, wife, and mother. She is a queen, a superstar, a singing goddess, but she's also a flesh-and-blood woman.

Let's talk about how insane this album is: Justin Timberlake is on the writing credits for "YoncĂ©/Partition" and "Blow." Sia Furler, who is an incredible musical artist herself most famous for "Breathe Me" and "Wild Ones", wrote "Pretty Hurts." "Rocket" was written by Miguel. Pharrell wrote and co-produced "Blow" with Timbaland. "Mine" features Drake, and "Superpower" has Frank Ocean. Check out the credits here. My head almost exploded in excitement after I read them.

Beyonce explains some of her songs here.
"Yonce' is an incredible song. I love it because it's really organic and the drum beat was actually done in the studio by Justin Timberlake. He just started beating on these buckets and The-Dream started coming up with this little chant, 'Yonce all up in his mouth like liquor.' It's so exciting when something naturally happens that way."
Best album of 2013 hands down. Well worth the $15.99.

Monday, December 16, 2013

O Christmas Tree

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."  ~ George Carlin

I have a cozy apartment with little space, so I needed a tree to fit it. It's sparkly and colorful, just the way I like my Christmas trees.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Show to Love and Hate

I have been trying to watch this season of Bravo's The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but it's boring. I watch 15 minutes of it and turn the channel. Kyle is a mean girl. Yeah, we get it. There is nothing interesting about her schtick. I've been around enough bitches in real life, to know how they are shallow and vapid. She is no different. She needs to be the center of attention at all times. She gossips about the other women, and treats the new housewives poorly. Snore.

Brandi is the wild child who says whatever she wants because she has no filter. She's basically an asshole, but we're supposed to think of her as a "free spirit." She's always raving about how she's so sexual. She's drilled that into everybody's heads and then gets upset when somebody calls her a "slut." Nobody should ever be slut shamed, but don't be shocked when it happens in a group of catty women, especially these Botoxed beasts. You can like sex without having to talk about it all the time. She's made sex her identity. I acted like that in my 20s, then I grew up. She's in her 40s. Brandi always seems as if she switched personalities with a 17 year-old girl like they do in those Freaky Friday-type movies. She loves getting drunk, wooooo-hoooooo! There is a small window in your 20s when it's acceptable to be the drunken mess at parties: That window closed for her 2 decades ago.

Carlton is my favorite because she seems like a strong woman with an authentic personality. I could watch her all day, side-eyeing the women when they say something she doesn't like. She's a witch, loves animals, can appreciate a full moon and pagan holidays, lives in a Gothic castle, and has a banging body. She also thinks Joyce is awful and says stupid shit, and I adore her for that. Whenever Joyce comes on, I say "Who?" Joyce has the personality of a walnut. I roll my eyes every time she speaks as well. Carlton, I got you, boo.

Lisa is British, and lovely, and reminds me of Meryl Streep's character in the movie, She Devil. Lisa lives in world filled with soft lighting and pink and white roses. I'm always curious how long it takes her to get ready in the morning. I can't imagine she ever steps out of the house with no make-up and sweats. Just watching how made up she is exhausts me. Some days, I leave the house without showering. She makes me feel like less of a woman. I would guess her nighttime skin regimen consists of lotions and creams made from real exotic pearls. I'm sure she takes candlelit bubble baths as Vivaldi's The Four Seasons softly plays in the background.

Yolanda is one of my favorites, because she has a huge framed photo of herself when she was younger, sprawled naked on the beach, in the living room. They entertain family and guests where her tanned, cocoa-buttered, nude body is on full display. I love that. I'm all for being slightly narcissistic and vain when it comes to loving yourself and your physical appearance. I see nothing wrong with it. If you are that gorgeous and have a fantastic body, you might as well flaunt it. Take a picture now and hang that shit on the wall, because you only have that face and body for so long before age catches up. Yolanda is often seen working out in all white spandex, picking lemons from the orchard surrounding her mansion, or decorating with candles and fresh flowers. All the housewives go ape-shit for flowers. If you don't have fresh, cut flowers in your house on a daily basis, you are a heathen, end of story.

Kim is Kyle's older sister, but Kyle acts more like a mom, which is incredibly obnoxious. If I had a sister who perpetually nagged me, I would drink and do drugs, too. Kim is sober, but she's still a lovable, discombobulated mess. On my worst days, Kim is my spirit animal. And my best days, unfortunately. Everybody likes Kim, because she's kooky, but an incredibly good-hearted person. Everybody treats Kim like she's slow. With the exception of Kyle, I can't remember the last housewife who was mean to her.

What does everybody think of this season? Who are the housewives you love? Who are the ones you hate? Which one bores you?

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

My Cat, Bosco

My cat, Bosco, was named after a Seinfeld reference. George Costanza's ATM code was Bosco. Bosco was a chocolate syrup popular in the 1950s. My cat is black, so I figured the name was fitting. Bosco is almost 2 years old, but he's really big for his age. It's like living with a black panther in a tiny studio apartment.

This picture was so funny to me that I made it into a meme. He looks like he's having a spiritual epiphany. I obviously have too much time on my hands.

Friday, December 6, 2013


We spend our lives looking for connections. We seek friends, lovers, husbands, wives to fill our lives with warmth, love and affection. Our goal is to bond with these people; to feel as if somebody understands us, listens to our stories, comforts us, and cares what happens to us. There is something so wonderful about meeting somebody for the first time and experiencing that.

The fascinating part is it always happen when you least expect it. You could meet twenty people in one night and not bond with any of them; but you walk into a cafe one morning and meet the person who will become one of your closest friends. Connections occur effortlessly. They can never be forced. In fact, the moment we try to force these relationships, they disintegrate. Further proof that nothing needs to be pushed. It either is, or it isn't. We could push ourselves on to somebody, and desperately try to be in their lives, but they would most likely run the other way.

Image via Fashiontography

If these relationships are going to form, they will do so naturally. There is no reason to push or force them. The connection is either there, or it's not. We must have faith that these special connections will find us. These people will flow into our lives easily with no worry, no fear, and no anxiety. Relationships will manifest. And we have no control over when and how they do. It can be a hard lesson for us. It is difficult to relinquish control, to surrender to destiny. But what choice do we have?

We have to learn to accept not knowing what will happen next in the tapestry of our lives. We need to enjoy our lives regardless of whether or not significant people walk into them. And we must fill those times that are void of intimate strings to our beloveds with our own inner happiness and contentment.

Think of the last connection you made with somebody. How did that person affect your life? What made the connection so special?

Halloween on Acid: Why I Love American Horror Story

American Horror Story (FX) This is Ryan Murphy's twisted show that feeds off classic horror movie themes. It's campy, revolting, creepy, but lots of fun to watch. It's the type of show where you will scream "WHAT!!", because you can't even believe what you're seeing. He goes THERE. Murphy always crosses over that line of decency. If you are easily offended, this is not the show for you. He loves anything taboo.

This is the third season of the series: Each season has featured a completely different plot and characters. Although, the majority of the actors appear in every season. Jessica Lange is the queen: That's all you need to know and don't forget it. She always portrays an evil bitch and does it flawlessly. She is your classic Shakespearean, morally bankrupt woman.

Murphy obviously has an appreciation for the art of acting, because most of his actors are well-known from Broadway and television: Denis O'Hare, Lily Rabe, Frances Conroy, Dylan McDermott, Patti LuPone, Kathy Bates, and Angela Bassett, just to name a few. The acting is always superb. The show vacillates between scary and bizarre. Sometimes you are legitimately freaked out, and other times it feels like you're watching a parody.

The first season takes place in a haunted house. Your typical white family moves into a new house, and everything goes haywire. There's also a creeptastic entity wearing a rubber S&M suit roaming around, which makes life in that house uncomfortably WEIRD. If you are going to watch any of the seasons, this is the one. It's my favorite, and the ending pulls the entire season together. It's a real M. Night Shyamalan moment. It's worth watching this season for the ending alone.

The second season's depravities occur in an insane asylum in the 1950s where Jessica Lange is a NUN. And she's nasty. Big surprise there. If you are scared of the dark, do not watch this season by yourself. Some of the featured actors are: James Cromwell, Chloe Sevigny, Joseph Fiennes, Ian McShane as a demented Santa that will haunt your dreams for life. This season has demonic possession, aliens, a serial killer, and Nazis. It has one of the most surreal, over-the-top campy musical sequences you will ever see.

This third season involves a coven of witches, headed by Jessica Lange. She is known as "The Supreme." You don't want to mess with this witch. She's a bad person. However, she is not as horrific a human being as Delphine LaLaurie, played brilliantly by Kathy Bates, who tortures and keeps her black slaves in a dungeon, doing unspeakable things to their bodies. When these scenes play, do not attempt to eat anything. Put the snacks down and wait until the show is over. Apparently she is based on a real person in the 1800s. Angela Bassett plays a voodoo queen. Angela Bassett DOES NOT AGE. She needs to put out an anti-aging skin care line. She's in her 50s, and she looks better than most 30 year-olds. This season is my least favorite. Don't get me wrong, I still watch it every week religiously, but it's not as solid as the other two.