Looking

We spend our lives looking for connections. We seek friends, lovers, husbands, wives to fill our lives with warmth, love and affection. Our goal is to bond with these people; to feel as if somebody understands us, listens to our stories, comforts us, and cares what happens to us. There is something so wonderful about meeting somebody for the first time and experiencing that.

The fascinating part is it always happen when you least expect it. You could meet twenty people in one night and not bond with any of them; but you walk into a cafe one morning and meet the person who will become one of your closest friends. Connections occur effortlessly. They can never be forced. In fact, the moment we try to force these relationships, they disintegrate. Further proof that nothing needs to be pushed. It either is, or it isn't. We could push ourselves on to somebody, and desperately try to be in their lives, but they would most likely run the other way.

Image via Fashiontography

If these relationships are going to form, they will do so naturally. There is no reason to push or force them. The connection is either there, or it's not. We must have faith that these special connections will find us. These people will flow into our lives easily with no worry, no fear, and no anxiety. Relationships will manifest. And we have no control over when and how they do. It can be a hard lesson for us. It is difficult to relinquish control, to surrender to destiny. But what choice do we have?

We have to learn to accept not knowing what will happen next in the tapestry of our lives. We need to enjoy our lives regardless of whether or not significant people walk into them. And we must fill those times that are void of intimate strings to our beloveds with our own inner happiness and contentment.

Think of the last connection you made with somebody. How did that person affect your life? What made the connection so special?

Dancin' The Night Away

Last night, I went out dancing with my cousin, who just turned 21, and my best friend and her friends. We had a blast dancing the night away. I realized how much I've missed it. It had been so long since I had been out to a club. I felt alive again for the first time in years.

My ex and I had met in the club scene, and we fell in love because we shared the same taste in music and love for everything related to the scene. When our relationship started falling apart, we no longer went out, for a variety of personal reasons, even too personal for this blog. We stopped having fun with each other.

It made me think about relationships and how the only way they work is if a couple makes the effort to constantly work on them. It takes communication, compromise, and being able to have a good time with each other. Once those things are gone, then there's nothing left. Love cannot survive if those two people build a wall between each other, whether they realize it or not.

We no longer danced the night away with each other, the way we used to when we first met and fell in love. We no longer hugged each other, or told each other how much we meant to each other, and most importantly, we stopped having fun together. We became enemies and strangers living together. The last year of our relationship was like living with the ghost of what we used to be. I was constantly depressed and beat myself up because I couldn't make the relationship any better.

I lost myself. My spirit was broken, and I stopped going out and dancing, something I had been doing for a good ten years, if not more. My failing relationship took over my life. Last night was the first time since my break-up where I actually felt like my old self again. I danced the night away, but I also found a piece of myself that had been lost for a long time. It was an amazing thing.

Colette on BitchBuzz: Relationship Rituals Exposed!

This is an article where I take really shitty women's advice from Glamour (quelle surprise!) and expose the truth. Will these relationship rituals spice up your love life? I'm going with "No way."

(Via BitchBuzz)

The Grass is Always Greener

This week, I had the pleasure of spending time with three different girlfriends. It was nice to spend some quality chick time, and I had a great time doing it. Each woman is in a completely different dating/relationship situation. One is living with her boyfriend but neglected; one is single and looking; the other is in a relationship, but isn't sure if it's the right one. It was fascinating to see how these three women, all smart and beautiful were so unhappy with their current situations. It got me thinking: is anybody really "happy" in their relationships?

How many people do you really know who are truly satisfied in their dating/relationship situations? I can't really think of anybody, and that's the truth. I can't stand those people who pretend to have amazing relationships where they never fight, and life with their partners is one big fairy tale. You know what I say to those people? "GIMME A FUCKING BREAK!" I love my boyfriend, and we have a decent relationship, but do we fight with each other? Absolutely. We have disagreements, and sometimes we have fights. It's all part of having a relationship. I cannot imagine not fighting; it would be weird. How could you possibly get along with a person so well? I have days where I absolutely am head over heels with my guy, but I have also have days where I don't even want to look at him. I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I think it's perfectly normal not to live a fairy tale.

My girlfriends complained to me how they weren't satisfied. The women who were in relationships talked about how they were happier and more fulfilled when they were single, and the single one said she was lonely and wanted to find a guy. So, basically no matter what your situation is, you're most likely gazing over the other side of the fence staring at the grass. Even I catch myself doing it. There are some days, especially after having a nasty fight with my boyfriend, I think life was so much easier when I was single. Then, when I actually think about the days of my single life, I cringe because I remember how miserable and lonely I was. I desperately wanted to find a guy who would love me and treat me right. It took me a long time to find him, and that journey was full of heartbreak, suffering, and loneliness. It's not easy being single; I know that. However, I want my lovely and young girlfriend to enjoy her life as a single girl, a life full of freedom and reckless abandon. I would like for her to take full advantage of her life now, so she doesn't regret it later. When she's in her 30's and married with children or just in a serious, long-term relationship, she needs to look back at those wonderful years as something special, instead of what I saw them as: years I would like to forget.

When I was single, I was so focused on not being with anybody that I couldn't enjoy my life. I was sad, and I may have hid it in front of my friends, but at night when I was by myself I would cry myself to sleep. I wanted love in my life because I thought it was the missing puzzle piece. I thought it would solve all my problems; it doesn't. As my other two girlfriends know, love creates more problems. It makes life more complicated. It's no longer about you anymore. You now have a person who relies on you for comfort, stability, and love. You have to give him everything you have without losing yourself in the process. There are days you get ignored, and you feel very lonely. You sit by yourself as your guy neglects you because he is too caught up in whatever he's going through at the time. His problems become your problems. So now, instead of just dealing with your own issues, you have somebody else's as well. You try hard to give him everything he needs and wants, but some days he needs too much. You give and give, but you get little in return.

Men just don't understand what women need. This is the reason why so many relationships don't last. They have no clue. Women need affection and compliments. They need somebody to listen to them, somebody who will have a conversation with them. Women want to feel wanted. I can't tell you how painful it is when you are neglected in a relationship. It's the loneliest you will ever feel. You feel like a ghost in the room. You don't feel loved. My girlfriends know that feeling all too well. Unfortunately, I do too. You pretend it doesn't bother you, but then the tears roll down your face. You don't want to cry, but you can't help it. You just want him to hold you, but instead he acts like you're not there. It's a lonely existence. My girlfriends know this loneliness, but they don't know what to do. Do they break up with these guys, only to meet new guys who will do the same thing? Do they deal with it, living in unhappiness? I don't know the answer. I have chosen to deal with it because I love my boyfriend, and I understand that he doesn't know how much he hurts me sometimes. I've tried keeping myself fulfilled in other ways: reading, writing, or just spending 20 minutes at the gym trying to look and feel better.

My mom has always told me, "A man will not fulfill a woman. A woman must fulfill herself." It's not romantic, but it's the truth. And, this week, I saw three perfect examples of it. It was so sad to see three amazing women who were trying so hard and getting so little. One is hoping that her live-in boyfriend will show her some affection, instead of falling asleep on the couch after dinner, and the other desperately wants her boyfriend to take her out to dinner, something he never does. These women ask for so little, and yet they get even less. I saw the sadness in their eyes as they told me their stories. I saw the pain they were trying to hide. I wanted to hug them and tell them that it would be alright, but the truth is I don't know if it will be. I don't know if things will ever get better for them. I hope with all my heart they do. I wish their men see what they're not giving them. Yet, I also want them to realize that true fulfillment comes from within.

The grass may appear greener on the other side, but it's not necessarily better.

The Right Guy

How do you know when you've found the right guy? He's the one you want to spend all your time with. He's the one you run to when you have a bad day. He's your last call of the night. He's knows how to make you smile, cry, and laugh. He's not perfect, but he tries to be the best man he can be for you; and you love him for that. You may go through ups and downs together, but your relationship only gets stronger. There are days you cry; there are days you kiss; there are days you want to forget and days you don't want to end. It's not always easy, but it's worth it. The right guy is the one you want to spend your life with; he's the one you can't picture yourself without.

Men Were Put on This Earth to Drive Us Crazy

Guys. We love them one minute. We can't stand them the next. They will drive us crazy if we let them because they think on a completely different level from us. Talk to any woman, and they will agree. It's unbelievable that we can even maintain long term relationships with them. My girlfriend said it best when she was talking about her three year relationship: "I am raising a 31 year-old man." They really are like little children. Sometimes I have fights with my guy, and I just look at him like, "Are you serious right now??" Some of the things that come out of his mouth are ridiculous, and I can't believe this is actually the way he thinks. He thinks like a guy. I usually shake my head in disgust and think, "Thank God, I'm a woman."

So, why do men get on our nerves so much? Well, first of all, they have the mentality of 5 year-old boys: they whine, need extra attention when they're sick, and sometimes they treat us like their mean mommies when we get angry with them or tell them they are wrong. Second, they aren't as emotional as we are, so a lot of times when you try to tell them that their actions hurt you in some way, they have no idea why or how come you're so sensitive. Not to mention, they make dumb, selfish choices: how many times has your guy not called you when he should have or gone out with his friends even though you wanted to spend some time with him?

It takes a strong woman to be with a man. I see so many women who just allow bad behavior from their men, and it is sickening. I know of a woman who is "fine" with her new husband coming home at all hours of the night because he is out drinking with his friends. What???!!! How is she okay with this?? The way I see it is if you are in a relationship with a man, then he should be with you, not drinking until 4 or 5 in the morning with his buddies. Ladies, stick up for yourselves! Don't let these men walk all over you. Because if they think you're weak, then they will take advantage of you. It's a lonely existence when you're living with or married to a man and he's coming home at all hours of the night because he wants to be "just one of the guys". Remember, he made a choice to be with you. He can either be with you and have a solid, healthy relationship or be single and have all the free time to be a drunken idiot with his friends. You can't let him have both. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. It pains me to hear about women who just let their men come and go as they please. I'm not saying you should be the warden of the relationship. However, you shouldn't be in bed alone, waiting up for some jerk who cares more about drinking and hanging out with his buddies than he does for you and your happiness. He had time to be single before he met you. Now that he's met you, he should be done with all that.

How do we keep men from driving us crazy? It's tough. I think the key is to be the best woman you are capable of being: keep yourself healthy and happy; pamper yourself; engage in activities that you are passionate; and always stay independent. If you remain a happy and empowered woman, then you will be able to take on anything, especially when it comes to dealing with a man and their stupidity. A man will respect a strong-willed woman. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Don't let a man take advantage of or manipulate you. Always remember: you don't need a guy in your life; you just choose to have one. You don't need a man to complete you because you are already COMPLETE.

Relationship Rule #48

If you have a day off and your boyfriend doesn't, always offer to give him a ride to work, especially when it's pouring outside...and he asks you for one. I didn't know about this rule, but I just learned it today. Before my wonderful boyfriend, I was single for most of my 20's. I spent many a day off, just laying in bed all day, sleeping or watching TV. Now that I'm in a relationship, I have to think about him. It's a new world to me. I don't mean to be selfish. I love him, but sometimes I forget that it's not just about me anymore. I should have given him a ride, especially after he asked me. I'm not a morning person, and I was half asleep. He said that if I had asked him for a ride, he would've done it. The worst part is he's probably right. He does little things for me all the time, and I try to do little things for him too, but he's just better at doing nice things than I am. Sometimes the selfish, single girl emerges, and I don't even realize it. At 7 in the morning on a rainy Monday morning, the giver in me was fast asleep. Next time, I will give him a ride. In the meantime, I'm never going to live this one down. Word to the wise, if you break one of the many relationship rules, you will never hear the end of it.