Fuck Yo' Resolutions and Grab Change by the Balls

New Year's resolutions are useless and they're designed to fail, because people set the goals too high too quickly. If you're going to make changes in your life, you don't need to do it at a specific time of year: Change can happen at any time. Don't create restrictions for yourself. Let the change take over naturally.

Instead of creating a huge list of goals at the beginning of the year, set a small goal weekly. If you want to join a gym at the beginning of the year, by all means do it, but don't punish yourself by telling yourself you're going to work out religiously and by February, going once a week and feeling bad about it. Set attainable goals that you know you can achieve and build from there.

You can always sign up for a new gym and start going twice a week. Maybe some weeks, you'll go more frequently, and maybe some weeks you'll only go once. Set the goal for going once a week. Give yourself some wiggle room. If you start your goal at "I'm going to go 5 times a week", you're going to burn out by February or March and end up not going at all. You'll find yourself on the sofa eating Cheetos, feeling like shit, because you failed at your New Year's resolution to become a gym rat.

Instead of setting a goal stipulating that you will go on a diet, make a list of your guilty pleasure foods and which days you indulge the most. Do you eat big meals, or just graze all day with snacks? Which time of day do you binge? By analyzing your routine, you can pinpoint when you are eating the most and what you are eating the most and worst of. For example, if I eat ice cream Monday through Friday night, I could set a small goal for myself to not eat ice cream one night during those five days every week. If by the end of that month, I feel that I should increase it to not eating two nights Monday through Friday, then I would set another goal. Small goals over time create the most change.

Instead of focusing on resolutions, take a look at the unhealthy, ineffective patterns in your life. Then ask yourself "How can I make this better? What do I need to change? How can I switch up my routine? And how can I do so without failing?" You have to always keep in mind that you are a work in progress.

Some weeks you are going to fail, and that's okay. Just focus on the next week. There is no need to be self-critical. You may fail one week, but you are far from a failure. Keep it movin'. A week is just a week. Move on to the next week and do better. At the three month mark, you're going to look at your progress. Ask yourself "How do I feel compared to when I started? How is my progress coming? What do I need to improve? Do I need to make changes to the goal itself?"

You may decide that since your progress is going so well, you want to increase the goal. For example, I might be going to yoga twice a week, and I'm feeling so positive about my weekly routine that I wish to increase my goal to three times a week. Or I may have set a goal to go to yoga twice a week, but I'm only making it in once a week. Decrease the goal, but look at what's holding you back from not hitting it. The key is to recognize your patterns in your routines and make changes.

Image via Trend Hunter

Be easy on yourself. Love yourself. Focus on your happiness first. Believe in change and how it can work for you and know that it's more simple than it seems. Don't take on more than you can chew. A small goal can easily gain incredible results in the end.

Dating Advice

I'm gaining a lot of new ideas lately about dating and relationships. I'm seeing things from different perspectives, and I'm analyzing all the forms of communication that men and women use during the dating phase. I'm observing how the courting process works in the 21st century and how men and women's roles have changed throughout the decades.

I have spent over 15 years dating, and I have a tremendous amount of experience: I've met many men, had many heartbreaks, and have had great loves. I have a lot of knowledge to share, and I hope to someday help as many women as I can. My goals are set high right now to reach a large scale audience. The funny thing about giving advice is it's easier to listen to other people's advice than know what is right in your personal situation.

Finding love can be one of the most difficult experiences: Because love can be elusive; love can tear your heart out; love can appear when you are the least ready for it; love can be terrifying and beautiful all at the same time.

My dating life in years past was a roller coaster. I never knew what would happen next. I always wanted to find the man who was right for me, and I never could. I cried my share of tears. I hope that my difficult experiences can help somebody out there.

I want to help broken-hearted women to heal. I want to let women who cry every night in loneliness that there is light through the darkness. I want to teach women how to date without tearing their hair out. I want to show women that they never have to settle. I want to help women see how amazing they are with or without a man.

Bad Advice

Lately, I've been checking out some online advice sites/forums, where women discuss their love issues. I'm blown away by some of the negativity and coldness of some of this advice other women give each other. There are a lot of inane "he's just not that into you" statements, which is fine if you're Greg Behrendt and you're saying this four years ago, but this is 2009: can we please come up with another catchphrase? Please!

These women come online because they're in stressful situations with the guys they like, and yet, the other women on the site are completely insensitive and make nasty, judgmental statements. My mom always taught me that there is a way to say everything in a nice way. I'm really sick of reading various women's questions and the non-thinking, trite answers that soon follow.

I've been giving advice for years, whether it's been to friends, co-workers, family, etc, and I can tell you the moment you start saying "You know what you should do," then you're already doing it wrong. People ask for advice because they don't know what to do; they have turned it over in their minds over and over, and by asking you for an opinion, they are showing you that they really need help.

So, why make them feel bad about themselves? Why turn condescending on them, or act as if you are judging them? Be their friend, listen to what they have to say, and most importantly, be gentle with their feelings.

I read these websites, and I'm horrified by the brutal "tough love" approach taken by these women: women, who I might add, have probably made the same mistakes, have been heartbroken, cheated on, or are in horrible relationships. And yet, they act as if they are better than everybody. "He's just not that into you!", they exclaim. Dump him and move on. Ok, great advice. However, never once do people take into account on how hard that can be sometimes.

A woman who is in love with a man or living with a man cannot just dump him and move on without really tearing apart her life, not to mention her heart and soul. So, why be so harsh?? Isn't there a way of saying these things without being so insensitive and cruel? The whole point of giving advice to somebody is to make them feel better, not worse. I'm really disgusted by these despicable, heartless bitches who don't understand that.

Colette on BitchBuzz: Sex on the First Date

I wrote an article for BitchBuzz this week about sex on the first date. Is it a good idea or not? I tend to think it's not the best thing to do, but I know there are many people who would disagree with me. They have the right to their opinions. When I mentioned the article to my boyfriend, he said: "Once you have sex on the first date, there's nothing left to do but start fighting."

I once saw a Kids in the Hall sketch where a man and a woman meet up at her apartment. He says: "Let's skip the dinner and get right to the sex." She says: "Let's skip the sex and get right to the guilt."

So, why skip the innocent part about dating? Sex can wait, can't it? Think before you jump into bed with some guy you may want to have a relationship with in the future. Sleeping with somebody too soon can prevent the relationship from developing. Some guys get stuck in hook-up mode, and they stop trying to get to know you. Sex can complicate budding relationships, so why take the risk?

Via BitchBuzz

Colette on BitchBuzz: Relationship Rituals Exposed!

This is an article where I take really shitty women's advice from Glamour (quelle surprise!) and expose the truth. Will these relationship rituals spice up your love life? I'm going with "No way."

(Via BitchBuzz)

Love Bytes: Advice

As many of you know, this blog used to be entirely about love and relationships. I am a former dating columnist for an online magazine, and I created this site to talk about my experiences with dating and relationships, as well as give advice to those who ask for it. As the site progressed, I got a little burnt out from writing about the same topic day in and day out. I guess you could say I'm Carrie with ADD. I like the freedom of being able to write anything I want - basically anything that amuses me at the moment. Now, the blog is pop culture, art, news, and once in a while I like to throw in some relationship/dating stuff.

Just recently, I came across an e-mail in my inbox from an incredibly articulate, intelligent woman who was asking for some much needed love advice. It brought me back to the days of being a dating columnist and how much I loved helping women with their dating problems. I spent my 20's in constant misery as I dated, loved, and lost. I went through a lot, and I've always wanted to share my experiences and the lessons I learned from them with all women who are going through now what I did then.

This is the e-mail I received:

I'm 38 and seem to be having a premature mid-life crisis. I just feel very much unfulfilled in both my personal and professional life. That's disheartening at this stage in life. I always thought that by 38 I would have everything together, yet in many ways I'm still searching.

I guess this was precipitated by a recent breakup. Its not that I'm terribly heartbroken, since we only dated for 2 months, not nearly enough time to fall in love. Its just the manner in which it happened that dealt a blow to my self esteem, and really made me look inward.

It happened last week. We met at a cafe and after finishing dinner he decided to break the news. In my old age I've lost my patience with insensitive men and I was just so annoyed by his business-like demeanor and the whole premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him there rather than going there together, obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwords. The moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, got up and calmly walked over to his side of the table and then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.

The resounding whack caught everyone's attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. I feel badly because I know it must have stung and left a red mark. I hope I'm not becoming psychotic. I didn't think I was capable of such behavior. I should swallow my pride and call him to apologize but it's just so difficult to do.

In retrospect, maybe I was more frustrated with myself than with him. The fact that I'm still unattached at 38 and just got dumped in public by someone five years my junior is not very inspiring. I really do feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

Dear 38 and Frustrated,
I hope things are going better for you since you wrote. I know break-ups, even the brief ones, can be painful and self-esteem crushing experiences!

I think it's so easy these days to feel as if there's something missing in our lives. We are bombarded on a daily basis with messages to marry, have children, make lots of money, have an amazing career, and retire with a million + plus dollars. It's ridiculous, and very few people can actually achieve it all. It's so easy to look at our lives and think, "My life is missing something because I don't have (fill in the blank}". From your e-mail, you seem like an intelligent woman who knows what she wants in life. You've lived life, and you've had many experiences to get you to this point. You say you aren't happy with your professional or personal life. Not many people are, and the ones who say they are - usually are lying lol. You have to constantly tell yourself that you are doing the best you can.

Try to work on one aspect of your life at a time. What part of your life makes you the unhappiest? If it's your personal life, then start focusing your energy on building up yourself first. Engage in things that you love. Maybe it's going out to dinner with girlfriends, cooking, hiking, taking a class, reading, yoga, or just relaxing at home while watching one of your favorite movies, etc. The key to finding a great guy is making yourself happy first. The more positive energy you exude, the better quality guy you will find.

I love that you smacked Mr. Two Months. It's like something out of a Bacall and Bogart movie. It may not have been the most rational or PC thing to do, but it was pretty damn fabulous if you ask me. I have to suggest some great books: Why Men Love Bitches (there's also a new one called Why Men Marry Bitches, although I haven't read it) and He's Just Not That Into You. They are fantastic books for women, and it doesn't matter if you're 20 or 50; every single woman out there can appreciate them.

If you are unhappiest with your professional life, then start reading up on ways to either move up in the company or finding a new career/job. There are also great classes you can take on the subject of advancing your career. It might be something to look into. And, you never know, but you could meet a great guy who is in the same boat as you in class with you. Just a thought ;-

I really appreciate you reaching out to me. I hope you find all the happiest in the world.

Colette