Dick Whitman or the Guy from Simply Red?

This month's GQ has a really bad photo shoot with one of my all-time favorite leading men: Jon Hamm aka Don Draper on AMC's Mad Men. I sent one of my best girlfriend's, Jaime, two of the pictures from the layout, and as I had suspected, she didn't care for the pictures, either.

This was our e-mail:

Me: What's up with the placement of the hat?!

Jaime: What is up with My Friend Flicka in the background? You can totally tell this whole shoot was conceived by a heterosexual man who is sooo jealous of D-Drapes that he wanted to completely emasculate him and turn him into Huck Finn or by a homosexual male who thinks that what he is wearing is fetching in a hip incorrigible hobo sort of way and that all women love horses so yeah, let's throw a horse in the background and they'll go wild.

The last man a woman would want in her house is an unemployed dude with a horse. Does not matter how hot he is. Seriously, I'd take employed man with pot-bellied pig over homeless with horse any day.

I feel like Paul Rudd fills his inbox with this picture and alternate titles for it of varying levels of ridicule all day.

Me: I'm trying not to burst out laughing right now because nobody around me is going to think this is funny. I hope to God, Paul Rudd tools on him mercilessly because this is one of the worst photo shoots I've ever seen. You take one of the most ridiculously handsome men and turn him into a stable boy?!

Yeah, I think the photographer was going for the whole Dick Whitman motif, but failed miserably because even Dick Whitman wouldn't be caught dead wearing a ridiculous hat like this. And look at the way it's placed on his head! It's so 80s new wave band, I can't stand it. I feel as if he's going to break out singing "Come on Eileen" at any moment. Not sexy.

Umm, how about just throw the guy in a suit? He looks fantastic in a suit. Jon Hamm is the type of guy who was made to wear a suit. Instead, they put him in a porkpie hat, throw him in a field, and tell him to channel Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn. He's a grown man! Throw Emile Hirsch in a corn field or James McAvoy, but not Jon Hamm!

Then, I sent her the 2nd picture.

Jaime: Okay, this confirms that it is actually a hetero man who set this up...stalk of wheat in the mouth?!!!! As evidence I will hearken back to every July or August cover of Playboy in the 1980s. Due to a poignant and predictable lack of imagination on the part of hetero male America, summer issues would always feature "Southern Belles" or "Texas Debs" and would inevitably portray these women in Daisy Dukes sprawled out over classic cars or taking a much deserved nude nap in a pile of hay. But the perennial accoutrement, the piece de resistance, was always stalk of wheat or straw or hay or whatever that sh*t is in the mouth.

Seriously, who in Viking hell would think chewing on straw is sexy. Goat-f##kers, that's who. Plus it's also so cliché. Let's do a "country-bumpkin" photo shoot and let's make him pose with some straw in his mouth to really tie the ribbon up on that package. I'm sure the next issue of this magazine features Amy Adams dressed up like 40s screen siren or Jim Carey as a sad clown because no one's ever thought to shoot them that way except for everyone who has ever taken a picture of them.

If I were Jennifer Westfeldt I would f'ing sue the photographer on this shoot for defacing private property.