Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Show to Love and Hate

I have been trying to watch this season of Bravo's The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but it's boring. I watch 15 minutes of it and turn the channel. Kyle is a mean girl. Yeah, we get it. There is nothing interesting about her schtick. I've been around enough bitches in real life, to know how they are shallow and vapid. She is no different. She needs to be the center of attention at all times. She gossips about the other women, and treats the new housewives poorly. Snore.

Brandi is the wild child who says whatever she wants because she has no filter. She's basically an asshole, but we're supposed to think of her as a "free spirit." She's always raving about how she's so sexual. She's drilled that into everybody's heads and then gets upset when somebody calls her a "slut." Nobody should ever be slut shamed, but don't be shocked when it happens in a group of catty women, especially these Botoxed beasts. You can like sex without having to talk about it all the time. She's made sex her identity. I acted like that in my 20s, then I grew up. She's in her 40s. Brandi always seems as if she switched personalities with a 17 year-old girl like they do in those Freaky Friday-type movies. She loves getting drunk, wooooo-hoooooo! There is a small window in your 20s when it's acceptable to be the drunken mess at parties: That window closed for her 2 decades ago.

Carlton is my favorite because she seems like a strong woman with an authentic personality. I could watch her all day, side-eyeing the women when they say something she doesn't like. She's a witch, loves animals, can appreciate a full moon and pagan holidays, lives in a Gothic castle, and has a banging body. She also thinks Joyce is awful and says stupid shit, and I adore her for that. Whenever Joyce comes on, I say "Who?" Joyce has the personality of a walnut. I roll my eyes every time she speaks as well. Carlton, I got you, boo.

Lisa is British, and lovely, and reminds me of Meryl Streep's character in the movie, She Devil. Lisa lives in world filled with soft lighting and pink and white roses. I'm always curious how long it takes her to get ready in the morning. I can't imagine she ever steps out of the house with no make-up and sweats. Just watching how made up she is exhausts me. Some days, I leave the house without showering. She makes me feel like less of a woman. I would guess her nighttime skin regimen consists of lotions and creams made from real exotic pearls. I'm sure she takes candlelit bubble baths as Vivaldi's The Four Seasons softly plays in the background.

Yolanda is one of my favorites, because she has a huge framed photo of herself when she was younger, sprawled naked on the beach, in the living room. They entertain family and guests where her tanned, cocoa-buttered, nude body is on full display. I love that. I'm all for being slightly narcissistic and vain when it comes to loving yourself and your physical appearance. I see nothing wrong with it. If you are that gorgeous and have a fantastic body, you might as well flaunt it. Take a picture now and hang that shit on the wall, because you only have that face and body for so long before age catches up. Yolanda is often seen working out in all white spandex, picking lemons from the orchard surrounding her mansion, or decorating with candles and fresh flowers. All the housewives go ape-shit for flowers. If you don't have fresh, cut flowers in your house on a daily basis, you are a heathen, end of story.

Kim is Kyle's older sister, but Kyle acts more like a mom, which is incredibly obnoxious. If I had a sister who perpetually nagged me, I would drink and do drugs, too. Kim is sober, but she's still a lovable, discombobulated mess. On my worst days, Kim is my spirit animal. And my best days, unfortunately. Everybody likes Kim, because she's kooky, but an incredibly good-hearted person. Everybody treats Kim like she's slow. With the exception of Kyle, I can't remember the last housewife who was mean to her.

What does everybody think of this season? Who are the housewives you love? Who are the ones you hate? Which one bores you?

The Village is Missing Its Idiot

The Real Housewives of Orange County season finale was cray cray! I thought the whole season has been incredibly boring. I would try watching an episode, and 20 minutes in, I would zone out. There were episodes I would try watching again, and still couldn't make it through all the way. This season was TV Ambien.

This episode was drama-filled, ridiculous, full of unnecessary fighting, and some idiot got kicked out of a party for eating a bow off the hosts' (Terry and Heather Dubrow) cake and then being a total asshole about it (Who does that?!). As Tamra commented in reference to "bowgate", the village is missing its idiot. And in this case, the idiot is a mentally unhinged lush.

The best parts of this episode were:
Gretchen giving Tamra one of the cheesiest friendship gifts I've ever seen in my life. "Here is a tacky charm bracelet.You are unbreakable." Super ghey! They've only been friends for 5 months! I can't wait to tell my best friend, Tara, that she's unbreakable, so she can laugh in my face.

Sarah getting kicked out. I'm shocked that Heather put up with her shit as long as she did. I'm sorry, but if you eat the bow off my cake, you need to get the fuck out of my house. It's my party, and I'll kick you out if I want to. The fact that Slade, who was channeling the legendary Hollywood producer, Robert Evans, clad in black from head-to-toe, had to play the bouncer and tell Sarah and Alexis they needed to go was even more hilarious. 

The previous episode where Sara brazenly eats the BOW.

Jim Bellino showing up, looking like he had busted out of a wedding party. I couldn't tell if he looked like a banquet waiter or a groomsman. Jim, WTF were you wearing? Nice shiny vest with a tacky print. Somewhere a Vegas blackjack dealer is missing a vest. I love that he came to the party just so he could stand up for his wife, dumb-dumb Alexis', honor. You know it killed him to see how somebody with real money lives. Unlike Jim's cheesy home that was bought under his business, The Dubrows' house is a mansion, not your standard Real Housewives large home either, it's a frigging palatial mansion overlooking the water. RIDICULOUS. Go Terry!

Vicky screaming at Tamra at the top of her lungs "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY SOULMATE, MY FRIEND, MY SISTER." Vicky is insane. I think she legitimately needs medication. Xanax is YOUR friend, Vicky.

According to Watch What Happens Live, "EVIL EYE" was uttered 29 times. Brooks, with a set of new teeth bankrolled by Vicky, called out Tamra for rolling her eyes at Vicky. Rolling your eyes is not the same as "the evil eye", but Brooks is a moron. And according to Briana, he has no car (whhhhhaaaaaaaaaat), no home, and no checking account of his own. If you open up the dictionary, you will see his picture under the word: MOOCH. There is no way he bought her a mink. This did not happen, regardless of what Vicky wants people to believe.


What did everybody think of tonight's finale?

Real Housewives of Atlanta

All I can really say about this is Kim can't sing for shit, and yet, she thinks she can put out an album and it will sell. She's severely delusional. She also claims she's 29 years old.

When I saw this scene for the first time, I had to change the channel because it was so embarrassing to watch. Doesn't this girl have any shame?!

Million Dollar Listing 2: I Wonder If I'm the Only One Who Watches This Show

Bravo, O' how I love thee! They have just come out with season two of Million Dollar Listing, which for anybody who has never seen the first season, is a show about selling real estate in LA. It's a cutthroat, glamorous world filled with: palatial mansions overlooking the city, greed, competitive bitchiness, lots of ego, and a shitload of potential money to be made in commissions. Last season, focused on a bunch of seasoned real estate brokers selling houses that range from under a million all the way to the 75 million dollar mark. Ridiculous, I know.

This season is taking a slightly younger, hipper view of the real estate game by featuring three guys, all under the age of 30. There's Chad Rogers(my favorite), Josh Flagg, and Madison Hildenbrand. They are over-the-top characters who strut around in the trendies clothes, sunglasses, and hairstyles; they are the epitome of the metrosexual, multiplied by 1000.

Out of all of them, I like Chad the best. At first glance, you just want to write him off as a hipster douchebag, but the more you see him interact with people, you start to like him. He's 30 years-old, but he looks about twelve. And, for some reason unbeknownst to me, he wears his hair combed forward like a mushroom kind of like Tootie from The Facts of Life crossed with The Ramones. Is this how the kids are wearing their hair nowadays? (I say, as I sit in my rocking chair doing needlepoint.) Whatevs, Chad is adorable, and he seems to worship his little girlfriend. How can I not like a guy who is sweet to his girlfriend?!