Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Show to Love and Hate

I have been trying to watch this season of Bravo's The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but it's boring. I watch 15 minutes of it and turn the channel. Kyle is a mean girl. Yeah, we get it. There is nothing interesting about her schtick. I've been around enough bitches in real life, to know how they are shallow and vapid. She is no different. She needs to be the center of attention at all times. She gossips about the other women, and treats the new housewives poorly. Snore.

Brandi is the wild child who says whatever she wants because she has no filter. She's basically an asshole, but we're supposed to think of her as a "free spirit." She's always raving about how she's so sexual. She's drilled that into everybody's heads and then gets upset when somebody calls her a "slut." Nobody should ever be slut shamed, but don't be shocked when it happens in a group of catty women, especially these Botoxed beasts. You can like sex without having to talk about it all the time. She's made sex her identity. I acted like that in my 20s, then I grew up. She's in her 40s. Brandi always seems as if she switched personalities with a 17 year-old girl like they do in those Freaky Friday-type movies. She loves getting drunk, wooooo-hoooooo! There is a small window in your 20s when it's acceptable to be the drunken mess at parties: That window closed for her 2 decades ago.

Carlton is my favorite because she seems like a strong woman with an authentic personality. I could watch her all day, side-eyeing the women when they say something she doesn't like. She's a witch, loves animals, can appreciate a full moon and pagan holidays, lives in a Gothic castle, and has a banging body. She also thinks Joyce is awful and says stupid shit, and I adore her for that. Whenever Joyce comes on, I say "Who?" Joyce has the personality of a walnut. I roll my eyes every time she speaks as well. Carlton, I got you, boo.

Lisa is British, and lovely, and reminds me of Meryl Streep's character in the movie, She Devil. Lisa lives in world filled with soft lighting and pink and white roses. I'm always curious how long it takes her to get ready in the morning. I can't imagine she ever steps out of the house with no make-up and sweats. Just watching how made up she is exhausts me. Some days, I leave the house without showering. She makes me feel like less of a woman. I would guess her nighttime skin regimen consists of lotions and creams made from real exotic pearls. I'm sure she takes candlelit bubble baths as Vivaldi's The Four Seasons softly plays in the background.

Yolanda is one of my favorites, because she has a huge framed photo of herself when she was younger, sprawled naked on the beach, in the living room. They entertain family and guests where her tanned, cocoa-buttered, nude body is on full display. I love that. I'm all for being slightly narcissistic and vain when it comes to loving yourself and your physical appearance. I see nothing wrong with it. If you are that gorgeous and have a fantastic body, you might as well flaunt it. Take a picture now and hang that shit on the wall, because you only have that face and body for so long before age catches up. Yolanda is often seen working out in all white spandex, picking lemons from the orchard surrounding her mansion, or decorating with candles and fresh flowers. All the housewives go ape-shit for flowers. If you don't have fresh, cut flowers in your house on a daily basis, you are a heathen, end of story.

Kim is Kyle's older sister, but Kyle acts more like a mom, which is incredibly obnoxious. If I had a sister who perpetually nagged me, I would drink and do drugs, too. Kim is sober, but she's still a lovable, discombobulated mess. On my worst days, Kim is my spirit animal. And my best days, unfortunately. Everybody likes Kim, because she's kooky, but an incredibly good-hearted person. Everybody treats Kim like she's slow. With the exception of Kyle, I can't remember the last housewife who was mean to her.

What does everybody think of this season? Who are the housewives you love? Who are the ones you hate? Which one bores you?

The Village is Missing Its Idiot

The Real Housewives of Orange County season finale was cray cray! I thought the whole season has been incredibly boring. I would try watching an episode, and 20 minutes in, I would zone out. There were episodes I would try watching again, and still couldn't make it through all the way. This season was TV Ambien.

This episode was drama-filled, ridiculous, full of unnecessary fighting, and some idiot got kicked out of a party for eating a bow off the hosts' (Terry and Heather Dubrow) cake and then being a total asshole about it (Who does that?!). As Tamra commented in reference to "bowgate", the village is missing its idiot. And in this case, the idiot is a mentally unhinged lush.

The best parts of this episode were:
Gretchen giving Tamra one of the cheesiest friendship gifts I've ever seen in my life. "Here is a tacky charm bracelet.You are unbreakable." Super ghey! They've only been friends for 5 months! I can't wait to tell my best friend, Tara, that she's unbreakable, so she can laugh in my face.

Sarah getting kicked out. I'm shocked that Heather put up with her shit as long as she did. I'm sorry, but if you eat the bow off my cake, you need to get the fuck out of my house. It's my party, and I'll kick you out if I want to. The fact that Slade, who was channeling the legendary Hollywood producer, Robert Evans, clad in black from head-to-toe, had to play the bouncer and tell Sarah and Alexis they needed to go was even more hilarious. 

The previous episode where Sara brazenly eats the BOW.

Jim Bellino showing up, looking like he had busted out of a wedding party. I couldn't tell if he looked like a banquet waiter or a groomsman. Jim, WTF were you wearing? Nice shiny vest with a tacky print. Somewhere a Vegas blackjack dealer is missing a vest. I love that he came to the party just so he could stand up for his wife, dumb-dumb Alexis', honor. You know it killed him to see how somebody with real money lives. Unlike Jim's cheesy home that was bought under his business, The Dubrows' house is a mansion, not your standard Real Housewives large home either, it's a frigging palatial mansion overlooking the water. RIDICULOUS. Go Terry!

Vicky screaming at Tamra at the top of her lungs "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY SOULMATE, MY FRIEND, MY SISTER." Vicky is insane. I think she legitimately needs medication. Xanax is YOUR friend, Vicky.

According to Watch What Happens Live, "EVIL EYE" was uttered 29 times. Brooks, with a set of new teeth bankrolled by Vicky, called out Tamra for rolling her eyes at Vicky. Rolling your eyes is not the same as "the evil eye", but Brooks is a moron. And according to Briana, he has no car (whhhhhaaaaaaaaaat), no home, and no checking account of his own. If you open up the dictionary, you will see his picture under the word: MOOCH. There is no way he bought her a mink. This did not happen, regardless of what Vicky wants people to believe.


What did everybody think of tonight's finale?

Real Housewives of Atlanta

All I can really say about this is Kim can't sing for shit, and yet, she thinks she can put out an album and it will sell. She's severely delusional. She also claims she's 29 years old.

When I saw this scene for the first time, I had to change the channel because it was so embarrassing to watch. Doesn't this girl have any shame?!

They Try to Make Me Go to Rehab

This may be a horrible thing to laugh at, but I can't help it. Last week's Intervention featured a girl named Allison who is addicted to keyboard cleaner. In fact, she goes through about 10 cans a day. You heard me - 10 cans of keyboard cleaner every single day. Needless to say, this chick has some serious issues.

Best Week Ever via Videogum posted a montage of Allison set to the most fitting of songs. I watched it last night, and I couldn't stop laughing. I hope they serve chocolate in Hades.

Highlights of the Weekend

I Love Money was hilarious as always. The above is a wonderful edit job, showing Rodeo, who is batshit crazy, as the Incredible Hulk. Say what you will about VH1 reality shows, but the editing is usually really funny. (Via VH1 Blog)

The boyf and I saw Tropic Thunder, and we laughed through the whole movie. I have a silly sense of humor, so if you don't like spoofs or satires or politically incorrect subject matter, then you might want to skip this one. Robert Downey Jr. was so good. I was blown away. Tom Cruise has a fantastic cameo. J thought he stole the show. I thought he was good. It's a fun summer movie, and if you want a great comedy to see, then this is the perfect movie. Slate's review of the movie was the best I've read. (Via Slate)

I locked myself out of our coat closet on Saturday night. J had to break the lock with a hammer. Who puts a lock on a frigging closet door!!?? It was a heavy duty one, to boot. We tried everything to unlock it: credit cards, cosmetic scissors, screws, etc. Now, we have to buy a new doorknob and replace it before we move out. Oops!

I got a lot of packing done for the big move, and we donated our stuff to Goodwill. I also bought some new pants for work because lately, my old size isn't fitting as well as it should be WTF!!! I got a great deal at The Express for 2 pairs of pants for the price of one. Yay!

Million Dollar Listing 2: I Wonder If I'm the Only One Who Watches This Show

Bravo, O' how I love thee! They have just come out with season two of Million Dollar Listing, which for anybody who has never seen the first season, is a show about selling real estate in LA. It's a cutthroat, glamorous world filled with: palatial mansions overlooking the city, greed, competitive bitchiness, lots of ego, and a shitload of potential money to be made in commissions. Last season, focused on a bunch of seasoned real estate brokers selling houses that range from under a million all the way to the 75 million dollar mark. Ridiculous, I know.

This season is taking a slightly younger, hipper view of the real estate game by featuring three guys, all under the age of 30. There's Chad Rogers(my favorite), Josh Flagg, and Madison Hildenbrand. They are over-the-top characters who strut around in the trendies clothes, sunglasses, and hairstyles; they are the epitome of the metrosexual, multiplied by 1000.

Out of all of them, I like Chad the best. At first glance, you just want to write him off as a hipster douchebag, but the more you see him interact with people, you start to like him. He's 30 years-old, but he looks about twelve. And, for some reason unbeknownst to me, he wears his hair combed forward like a mushroom kind of like Tootie from The Facts of Life crossed with The Ramones. Is this how the kids are wearing their hair nowadays? (I say, as I sit in my rocking chair doing needlepoint.) Whatevs, Chad is adorable, and he seems to worship his little girlfriend. How can I not like a guy who is sweet to his girlfriend?!

Greed is Good

J and I have a new favorite show, and it's called I Love Money on VH1. They play the new episodes every Sunday around 11:30am EST. It's great because I'm usually in my jammies, and I cozy up on the couch with a blanket to watch the hilarity of a bunch of reality TV show castaways trying to win $250,000. It's a fantastic way to spend a lazy Sunday.

The Entertainer is my favorite. If you're not familiar with him, then he was one of I Love New York's suitors. You may have seen clips of him, sharing a bubble bath with New York and sucking on her toes - gross! J and I think he needs his own show because he's so funny and dare I say, entertaining. We think he should have a show where he moves out from his parents' basement and tries to find roommates and live on his own. The roommates would have to be really introverted and nerdy though. It would be like a modern day Odd Couple . He's always walking around with a crazed look on his face, and when he says something, he MEANS it! His moods go from 0 to 60 within seconds. One of my favorite parts of I Love Money yesterday was when The Entertainer consoled Destiney, a Rock of Love reject, as she cried and told him how she was super emotional because she was starting her period any minute. His response was so classic: "That's okay. Sometimes I feel like crying too.", ha ha.

Some other highlights were: Chance finding out he had to kiss Mr. Boston during one of the competitions; Mr. Boston pretending to puke in a bucket, so he would look like a weak competitor; Heat standing around half in the bag all the time; The Entertainer telling Megan he thinks she's a "trouble-maker", and Heat not standing up for Destiney when she had an altercation with Chance.

Watch the video to see Chance and Mr. Boston in the kissing competition.

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Rock of Love is Coming Back, and It's Sleazier Than Ever

VH1 just released a statement that Bret Michaels' reality "dating" show, Rock of Love is back. Apparently, Ambre Lake and Bret's relationship fizzled (big surprise). VH1 is renewing Rock of Love for a third season. It will be called: Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. I couldn't make this up if I tried! This show will take place on Bret's tour bus as women compete to be his #1 rock skank. If this show is going to be anything like the first two, then I can't wait. Who knew watching a bunch of desperate, drunken groupies fight for an aging, wig-wearing (allegedly)80's rock has-been could be so entertaining! (Via Reality Blurred)

The Island

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Last night, I was watching the finale to The Real World: Hollywood aka the most entertaining season of The Real World you're probably not watching, and I saw a quick preview for the new Real World/Road Rules Challenge called, The Island. It's a total ripoff of Survivor. The only difference is it's cast with a bunch of MTV's finest: a bunch of dysfunctional attention whores who can't let go of their 15 minutes of fame. Even on the last season of The Real World, many of the former castmates were all hanging out at an L.A. bar together, desperately trying to get on camera when the new Real World cast dropped by. To think that there is a bar out there where these people all hang out together is beyond pathetic. It's almost like they've been exiled to some alternate universe where they co-exist with only each other. Oh, that's right. They do. It's called The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. (Via MTV)

Weird and Wild Stuff

Sir Ben Kingsley, best known for portraying Gandhi, and Mary-Kate Olsen make out in their new movie, The Wackness. That made me cringe just writing that statement. I know she's an adult woman, but there's something really wrong about the whole thing. It could have something to do with him being 64 years old, and she's only 22!! (Via People)

Sports Illustrated swimsuit models are being duped into thinking the men who are applying body paint to their butts and breasts are 'mos - when in fact they're very much straight. Straight guys everywhere high five each other. (Via Page Six)

And, in news that will make you puke and then curl up into the fetal position, Verne Troyer, the hard-drinking, carpet-pissing little person aka Mini-Me has a...SEX TAPE. I will spare you the clip. I want to know what happened to this woman in her life that got her to this bleak point where she's having sex with Verne Troyer. Yikes. (411 Mania via TMZ)

VH1's I Love Money, the retarded love child of Flavor of Love and I Love New York, has just revealed its full cast of characters. They include: the bromance that is 12Pack and Heat, Rock of Love's baby-voiced Brandi C., The Entertainer, Hoopz, Midget Mac, the wonderfully awkward Mr. Boston, and several more VH1 reality castaways. It's sad to say, but I will be watching. VH1 reality shows are like crack to me. I have a problem. (Via VH1)

This Season of Top Chef: Television's Ambien

Ugh! What's happened to Top Chef?? It used to be such a a great show, but this last season was boring as shit. My boyfriend and I would get all excited every Wednesday night to watch it, and then shortly after would be bored to tears. He would usually fall asleep, and I would end up watching some grisly show about serial killers on TruTV. This show has become a worn out version of its original self. I mean how many times can you watch Rocco DiSpirito and Anthony Bourdain make snarky, albeit witty remarks about the contestants' dishes? It's the same season over and over, a perpetual photocopy with the same challenges, e.g., the restaurant wars; and the same celebrity judges being trotted out like show horses.

What made the first two seasons of Top Chef so great was the contestants were interesting, and they had personalities. Who didn't love Dave from Season One! He was a mental case who was constantly breaking down into tears, but he was passionate and it showed. He had a quirky personality. He was mentally unbalanced, but he knew it, and it made him a great character to watch. Tiffany was fascinating because she came across as such a bitch that you didn't know if it was real or just an act she put on for the cameras. Then, there was - Stephen. Stephen was pretentious, awkward, and as much as you wanted him to leave, you wanted him to stay even more. These people made this show great. So, when Season Two arrived, everybody continued to watch. Season Two was another great season with the villainous Marcel, Ilan the underdog, Sam the heartthrob, and Cliff as a top competitor who made a very poor decision.

So, then where did it go wrong? I think with anything, if you take something wonderfully original and duplicate it over and over, then you slowly lose the integrity of once was. Top Chef isn't interesting anymore because it's now become a template. There is no originality added, and the producers don't seem to care if the contestants are likeable or not. I found myself watching this last season thinking, "I don't care who wins or loses. I'd rather watch paint dry than watch these people compete with each other." Bring back the villains and the fights. Villains are what made the show. Every great competition needs a good guy and a bad guy, and if you don't have that, then what's the point of watching? Every Rocky needs his Ivan Drago. Every Daniel Laruso needs his Johnny Lawrence. And, every Ilan Hall needs his Marcel Vigneron.

Quote of the Day: David Bianculli

"If you lose on 'The Bachelor,' you become The Bachelorette," he continued. "It's like a hydra — you cut off one head and two more take its place."

- David Bianculli, TV critic for NPR's Fresh Air and tvworthwatching.com commenting on reality TV today.

You Can't Handle the Truth

As many of you know, I am a huge fan of reality TV. I DVR all the Bravo shows, Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of NY, Top Chef, Flipping Out, Project Runway, Work Out, hell I've even watched Top Design with the snarky interior designer, Jonathan Adler. I love these shows. I consider these type of shows as the thinking man's reality TV. The characters are interesting, somewhat intelligent, and the drama doesn't seem as staged as most of the ridiculous shows out there like, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and the most outlandish one of all, I Love New York. I mean have you ever seen A Shot at Love?! Everybody on that bottom of the barrel show seems as if they're all struggling actors who are following some sort of wacked out script, e.g.,The Joe Schmo Show. For all of you who are not familiar with the show, The Joe Schmo Show was a parody of a reality TV show filled with characters played by real actors, except for one gullible contestant. What made the show so great was the real guy was such a genuinely nice guy. When he discovered that the show had been one elaborate practical joke on him, even though he was stunned, he still wanted to think that "his friend" on the show wasn't an actor, but a real guy. It was as if he didn't want the friendship to be fake as well. It was sweet, but also kind of sad. You really felt for the guy.

In my book, there's a good reality TV, bad reality TV, and god awful reality TV, and the latter category is where the new Fox show, The Moment of Truth falls under. It's beyond bad. This show brings me back to when I first saw The Running Man , the 1980's movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger about a futuristic game show where runners must run for their lives as they are hunted by professional killers. It features several fake commercials, one of them for a game show called Climbing for Dollars which shows a man climbing a rope, desperately grabbing dollar bills as a pack of ravenous Dobermans jump to maul and kill him. When I saw that movie as a young girl, I remember thinking how ridiculous that commerical was, but now I wouldn't be surprised if a show like that is in the pipeline at Fox. Because if they can develop a show like The Moment of Truth, then Climbing for Dollars is not too far fetched.

The Moment of Truth is a show where contestants are asked very personal questions - the type of questions that should never be asked, nevermind answered. And yet, there are a parade of morally corrupt individuals who go on this show to win money as they reveal their inner most secrets. Okay, I've watched this show a few times because I've been trying to wrap a brain around it. My boyfriend and I seem to think it's staged in some way. I'm not sure if the contestants are played by actors or these "truths" are actually part of the script the contestants must follow. I saw one episode where a woman was asked if she had cheated on her husband, and she said YES. She didn't even hesitate; she just blurted it out as if she had been asked if she wanted pickles on her sandwich. It was completely bizarre, especially since her husband was sitting only a few feet away from her, looking completely horrified.

My boyfriend came up with the conclusion that the people who were going on this show were already broken up or were in the process of breaking up with their significant others, so it didn't matter. I really don't know. What I do know is the masterminds at Fox who thought up this despicable show have really sunk to a new low. I'm not sure where reality TV goes from here. It's a sad state of affairs when you're sitting on your couch, eating popcorn while you watch people destroy their marriages and relationships. What's next? It's frightening to think...

The Real World: Hollywood

I don't know how it happened, but I started watching MTV's The Real World: Hollywood. It wasn't by choice. Like most reality TV shows, I got completely sucked in. This is a show where you don't like any of the people, and yet you continue to watch week after week. The stereotypes parade through like some kind of sketch comedy show. There's the stripper with the heart of gold, the alcoholic, the southern belle, the middle class priss, the laid back guy with the dreads, the misunderstood black guy, and the all American guy. They argue, go out drinking, behave like idiots, punch walls, make ignorant comments, and hook up with each other. They make bad choices, which in turn makes for great television. Take for example the guy who goes to the bar with his roommates and tells them he "used to" have a drinking problem. So how do they react? They offer him a shot; and when he says no, the all American guy tells him that he'll watch him so he doesn't overdo it. Great idea. I'm sure that will go well. Fast forward to 3 hours later, and the problem drinker is crouched down in front of their Hollywood pad sobbing uncontrollably. I thought that guy was watching him!

There's also the stripper with a warrant for assaulting her ex-boyfriend or the girl who hooks up with one of her roommies only to discover that she's not the only one he wants to sleep with? There's also the outsider. He isolates himself from the group, and I don't blame him. I'm pretty sure he's the only sane one in the house. If I had the choice to hang out with a guy who drinks a whole bottle of White Zinfandel and then threatens everybody in the house or taking a stroll by myself, I would be power walking my way to the other side of California.

I don't know where the producers found these people. I'm guessing they didn't make the "Next" and "Shot of Love with Tila Tequila" cut.

There's Something About Miriam

"There's Something About Miriam" is a British reality TV show which premiered in 2004. Fox Reality TV is just now showing it. My boyfriend and I had the pleasure of catching the first episode last night. Oh my dear God, talk about a train wreck of a show!! You see, this reality show is about 6 British guys, total boobs who like to drink a lot and tend to get naked with each other...weird, who are brought to a extravagant seaside villa in Ibiza, Spain to meet a gorgeous model and compete for a $10,000 prize and a romantic getaway with the lovely woman. Sounds too good to be true? That's probably because it is: the lovely Miriam is indeed a model, but she is not technically a woman because although she has a stunning face and body there is something that lies beneath. She still has her male genitalia...gasp! However, these young, horny men have no idea, so they treat her like a woman and they spend their days trying to seduce him/her. Crazy, huh? How did the producers get away with it??? They didn't. After the series ended and Miriam's secret was disclosed to the men, the men filed a lawsuit against the producers, suing them for sexual assault, breach of contract, and personal injury because they suffered emotional distress and psychological damage. They ended up settling out of court for an undisclosed amount. These poor chaps may be a little richer, but they will always have the psyche shattering memories of hooking up with a guy. File this under: The Crying Game.