The First Date: To Pay or Not to Pay

Judy McGuire, Seattle Weekly's resident dating columnist, answers some cheap dude's question about how come women are supposed to be so evolved and yet they insist men pay for them on dates. Ugh, I hate guys like this. They miss the point, entirely. I thought Judy's response was good, but it sparked quite a few comments. Apparently, this is a real hot bed issue. Who knew!

"Why is it that career women who claim to be "independent" and "liberated" suddenly become "traditional" when the dinner check comes? Women claim to want "equality," but shirk that equality when it's time to pay for the mating ritual. Can you explain logically why so many women want to enjoy both the gains of feminism and the benefits of Victorian traditionalism?...[blah, blah, blah]

And why, when women have become so financially successful, are men expected to buy a woman an engagement ring, but women are not expected to buy a man anything? Do you think a good solution would be to require a woman to buy an equal gift, or to do away altogether with the tradition of engagement rings?"

Judy's response:

"...So yes, if you want to argue that young, white, college-educated women living in cities that you pretty much have to be loaded to afford in the first place should spring for their own empanadas, I'm right with you. In fact, I have no problem at all paying for my own meal—never have, even if the dude makes more than I do. But don't try to tell me there's no wage gap. Perhaps in your rarefied world there isn't, but for the rest of us out here it's real—and really fucking annoying.

But I can't speak for all women. As I mentioned, I'm happy to pay my share (and then some) on a date. However, many if not most women feel different. They expect a guy to shell out, at least on the first date. And you're certainly allowed to disagree with that.

Here's a crazy idea: If you don't want to pay for dinner or drinks, don't offer. When the check comes, whip out your pocket calculator, figure the tip, and tell her how much she owes. (That doesn't mean you should itemize the bill. Even if she ate more and had a dessert and a third Slippery Nipple, just split it down the middle.)

Nor am I one of those broads who dreams of a giant engagement ring that costs three months' salary, or whatever bullshit figure the diamond industry is currently touting. If he wants to get me something that costs thousands, I'd rather have a car or a down payment on a house—or about a bazillion other things that don't involve sparkly rocks.

However, some of my best friends have fancy engagement rings, and I don't begrudge them that. Shiny gemstones make them happy, so how is that any skin off my (or your) ass? Just find a girl who doesn't give a shit. We're out there."

This guy is a jackass. Feminism and Victorian traditionalism have nothing to do with going on a date and having the guy pay. Guys should pay on a first date because it shows the woman that he gives a shit, or at least cares enough, to dole out some money. What men don't understand is this separates the good guys from the losers. Want to make a good impression on your date? Then, pay for her. That doesn't mean you have to take her to a five-star restaurant, but if you can't pay for a couple of drinks and maybe an appetizer, then you have some issues. Most likely, you are as emotionally cheap as you are financially. I've never met a good guy who didn't pay for a date - ever.

And he wants to get rid of engagement rings. This guy sounds like a real winner. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. "Oh, I don't believe in engagement rings. It's sexist, and it promotes 'Victorian traditionalism'". To which his fiancee responds: "You've got to be kidding me. Now you listen to me. You're going to go out and buy me an engagement ring, you cheap fuck, or I'm not going to marry you. So, save the cherry Life Saver ring and heartfelt promises and shove them up your ass. And another thing, if you ever use the term 'Victorian traditionalism' again, I'm going to dump your sorry ass and tell everybody we know that you have a teeny-tiny penis. You got that, Mr. Moneybags?"
"Uh, ok."