The Three Laws of Female Robotics

Susannah Breslin, writer of my favorite blog ever, The Reverse Cowgirl, defines the three laws of female robots.

1. A female robot must always have perfect makeup, even if her arm is falling off.
2. A female robot must have at least one spare head available to her at all times.
3. A female robot will only find a mate if she follows the First and Second Laws.

And since we're on the topic of female robots, watch this amazing video for Bjork's song "All is Full of Love":


It's a hypnotic video set to an amazing song. Robot love is a beautiful thing.

What's Up with Joaquin Phoenix Lately?

Joaquin Phoenix, best known for his roles in Gladiator and Walk the Line, recently told the press that he is retiring from acting and becoming a rap star. Uhhh, say what? He showed up at some Las Vegas nightclub, badly rapped three songs and then left the stage on a high note, by falling off. WTF is up with him?

Some people are saying it's a hoax. Others say it's performance art. And, the rest just think he's finally lost the few marbles that were rattling around in that batshit crazy head of his. Also, isn't it a bit suspect that his brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, is filming a documentary about his descent into the rap world?

For a moment, can we all please reflect on the Joaquin Phoenix we all know and love: the hottie with a little bit of edge and that sexy scar over his lip, (even though we all know it's a hare lip scar), despite him vehemently denying it.

Inventing the Abbotts (1997)


Quills (2000)


Walk the Line (2005)

Turn Me On: How to Attract Men

I just ordered this book online last night, and I can't wait to read it. It's gotten great reviews. I'm curious to hear from a guy's point of view what exactly guys find attractive. I'm rusty at meeting men, and I'm clueless at this stage in the game what really attracts a guy. There, I said it. I have zero game. I see a cute guy on the T, and he looks over at me, and I freeze up and turn away. I'm the worst at this type of thing. I'm good at giving dating/relationship advice, but when it comes to myself, I'm useless! It's a miracle that I've met as many men as I have, by being so inept at flirting and getting a man's attention.

Does anybody else have this problem? Or, am I the only loser out there who can't make eye contact or smile at a guy!

Colette's Crave: Naughty Monkey

(Via Trend de la Creme and Naughty Monkey)

Jon Hamm on 30 Rock...Thank You Jesus

Jon Hamm, star of my favorite show, Mad Men, is starring on my second favorite show, 30 Rock, for three episodes as Liz Lemon's (Tina Fey) love interest. The first Jon Hamm-tastic episode starts Feb. 5th. He's the bees' knees. God, I cannot wait until the new season of Mad Men. I have serious Mad Men withdrawal. I recently got my mom addicted to the show, and she can't stop watching the season 1 DVD. It's a sickness, I tell ya!

Meet the Bitter Online Dating Guy

My girlfriend, Nicky, just e-mailed me this real dating profile from Plenty of Fish. This guy brings bitter to a whole new level. What I want to know is who is replying to this holier-than-thou, hate-filled, poor excuse for a man? This is bitter online dating dude's profile. You have to see it to believe it.

"Well I have been a member here off and on for a month. All I can honestly say is this place is a joke. Why? Because of the same people (read losers) that are here day in and day out. Christ is this a dating site or is it a site for fat, unemployed, single mothers to gather attention?

News flash: Want to know why there are no good men active on this site? Easy. The good men can see right throw all the trailer-trash, has beens, attention seekers, baby factories, uneducated, and women on medication. Why you ask?:

1. Most women here cannot even form a complete sentence in their profile. Nor can they be truthful and honest about themselves.

2. I see women on here with 30 or more favorites? Are you here for a popularity contest or to find a date? It is obvious that these women have low self esteem and get their kicks by watching that little digit increase each day. If you cannot find a mate out of the 30 men that have as a favorite or 60 emails that you received and ignored, then something is seriously wrong with you. Let me say it again. Something is wrong with you the female. If 30 men email you and none of them are "good" enough for you. Sure. You are better and more deserving then the 30 that emailed you. They are all scum and you prime cut deserving much better. Keep thinking that. Sadly this must be said to the women with 100 or more favorites as they cannot figure it out themselves. Yes you are a whore.

3. A good majority of the women have no clue what average is, or for that matter thin or athletic. You claim to be average but the flab hanging from your arms is telling us guys the truth.

4. Rude snobs. I grew up being taught to be respectful. Not sure were most of these women grew up, but if someone takes the time to email you in good faith, you at least give a response. Although this is a blessing in disguise If a woman does not have the common courtesy or is adult enough to reply even if she is not interested, then she is not worthy of being in a real relationship with any form of a real gentleman. Kids play hide and seek, not adults.

5. While you may think different; most respectable men want nothing to do with a women having children out of wedlock. God forbid women with two or more children out of wedlock from different fathers. You are spoiled goods, get over it, and get lost nobody wants you. Good lord if there just so happens to a woman that comes along in this place without children. It is a miracle. Sure you had a child while married and later divorced. Such is understandable, sh*t happens. Even you are almost as rare as the woman without child. This place is full of degenerate baby factories. Want to know why you never see women without children on this site? Because they are normal.

6. What in the living hell does it mean "Prefer not to Say" selected for "have children"? You know most men assume that the court or DSS took them away. Go take your meds and delete your profile please.

7. It only takes a couple of minutes to see the same women on different sites throughout the internet. There are even specialized search engines just for such. So she has been on 4 different sites for the past 2 years. Sure sounds like a real winner there. I would be ashamed if I was a woman and could not find a compatible match within 3 months online. Come on now. Most of these women here are bottom of the barrel. They should grateful with any man that pays them attention. Yet they seem to be addicted thinking that some miracle will happen and John Travolta will fly in just to take them out on a date.

8. Women will say in their defense here that men are pigs. Sure they are. Want to know why Einstein? Because they take women for what they are worth. This site is full of born losers who are desperate for any sort of attention at all. You and you alone have proven to them, by being on this site 24/7/365 that you are pretty much worthless as a woman. Sure some of the smoother ones play along with your game, pretend they are serious, bang ya and dump you. This is a meet market and you are the low grade meet. What more would you expect? Seriously?

9. Some college? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean you drove by "Some College"? Did you attend AA in the college basement?

10 Pictures? I could care less what your dog looks like or you ex boyfriend. The most laughable ones are the ones with a woman and 10 guys in the picture. Ya just the type of girl I want to settle down with. Even better are all the ones that take pictures in a mirror. Why do you just not put a sign in there stating that you are lonely, desperate, have no friends and have to take self portraits.

11. I love these women. I call them "I deserve the better profiles" Imagine a single mother, baby factory, short, smoker, overweight and 34 years of age. Yet they are looking for a man 25 - 34. Look lady you should be grateful if anything with a heartbeat emails you let alone a younger man. Get real. Then there are the ones who hide it a little trying to go 10 years younger and 5 years older. These are a clear sign that the woman is out of touch with reality and should be passed over. Best one I saw was a woman 46 looking for a man 24 to 39. Problem was she had a son that was 25. Not sure if she was looking for a date or a playmate for her son. Kicker was she was a fatty.

12. Tattoos. I love women with tattoos. Why? Because real gentlemen know right off the bat to ignore them. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. I love the profile with the title "Classy women looking for a classy man". Open it up and there is a picture of a woman with a tattoo on her breast. Actually I hate opening these profiles as it entails cleaning the coffee off my computer screen.

13. Profiles all in capitals. Thanks for yelling at me before I even got to know you. Goodbye.

14. Women who put "My children come first in my life". Oh great because I was thinking that the default being that women hide their kids in dumpsters and beat them after they come home from the welfare office. Thanks for stating the obvious.

15. Women who are on a dating site but not looking; as they are in a relationship and only here to keep contact. Contact with who? Men they are trying to date/screw you? Thanks for letting us know you are a whore so we will know to look out for ya when your current partner dumps you next Thursday.

First Date
16. Now this one puzzles me. Seriously. Women must think men are dumb or they are just plain ignorant themselves. Hard to call. With that said: Why would a woman put on this site "Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter" yet any man can go right over to one of the adult sex sites and find the same exact women looking to be gang-banged next Saturday by 4 guys and a 2 transsexuals?

17. Pictures with kids in it. Great know we know that you are a baby factory right off the bat and can move onto the next profile. Granted I never did see a divorced women post pictures of their kids. I guess they are more normal and know better.

18 Profiles with only face pictures in it. I like these because they tell real gentlemen "move along nothing to see here". Why? Because it means automatic fatty. Does not matter that they selected average.

19. Marital status: "separated". This usually means an easy score. They are just out and ready to go. Good for only a one night-stand though. Who wants to deal with a needy woman and kids as they go through divorce. Honestly I am staring at a profile where the lady says she is separated, yet the male "Must not be married". WTF?

20 "Mixed Color hair" What in the heck does that mean? I never saw such on a drivers license application. I can only assume from such that you work at a place that deals with some type of chemicals and there was an accident involved.

21. "I just turned 28 last week" text in their profile. Huh? Your profile up top says you are 30? Oh wait. I see. You have been on here two years and not found a mate and too lazy to update your profile. Onward.

22. "I am a very independent woman" text in their profile. Next.

23. "I am a busy lady but I can always make time for people I care for". Gee really? All for me? Wow how nice of you. Goodbye.

22. "I honestly feel that Mr. Right is out there for me" No shit. Most likely he was in one of the 98 emails you ignored while dreaming that Brad Pitt was going to come along and browse your profile, email you and sweep you off your feet.

23. "N/A" selected next to "Do you have a car". Ya real tough one their. Either you own a car or you do not. Or are you saying you forgot? To me it means "I own a car but cannot drive thanks to Mr Police Officer and the breathalyser". Click.

24 "N/A" selected for "Smarts". Self explanatory. Next

25 "Tired of the creeps in this place" That is like the meat wagon driver saying he is tired of the dogs chasing after the wagon. There is an obvious reason why. If tired of them then leave. Oh wait. See attention whore above.

26 "I'm attractive and intelligent" Yes thank you for telling me such but would you mind letting me decide for myself? I can see your pictures and and score your grammar myself.

27 "I have a cat" or posts a picture of their cat.....Turn off the computer and RUN AWAY.

If interested email me. Thanks."

I'm sure the e-mails are pouring in...

Related Posts: There Are Other FISH in the Sea

Stains the Dog Loves Cupcakes

I feel this dog's pain. If somebody stuck a plate of cupcakes in my face and forbade me from eating one, my eyes would look like this, too. Poor little guy. I hope they finally gave him one.

Taking Back the Power

I met up with one of my girlfriend's for dinner, and because I'm currently suffering from a cold, called it an early night. I cabbed it back home, and found myself in an empty apartment, sick with a bad cold with nobody to take care of me (my ex had gone out for the evening), and I realized although I've been reconnecting with old friends and family and having a great time with them, I have to admit, I'm kind of lonely.

I haven't been on a date in years. It would be nice to meet up with a guy and flirt and have fun again. It's been so long. I look around and pretty much everybody is with somebody: most of my friends are in serious relationships or have just met somebody. I want that, too.

I can't remember the last time somebody showed me any affection or told me I looked pretty. I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have where I was just a shadow. I felt invisible most of the time, as if I didn't matter; I was a ghost. Sometimes I was so starved for attention that I had to ask him to hug me. I was lonely, sad, and felt hopeless every single day. I would roll over on my side at night and cry myself to sleep, and all I could do was hope that tomorrow would be better. It never was.

I asked a good friend of mine, a guy, to go out with me last weekend, just so I could have fun and dress up and feel good about myself. But for whatever reason, he acted like he didn't want to be there, or he did, just not with me. He criticized my outfit, my style, and even made a comment about one of my blog posts, telling me how it wasn't written well. I'm not sure what his deal was.

Maybe he felt by cutting me down, it would keep me from falling for him or something. I've been trying to wrap my brain around it all week, and I still can't figure it out. I only see him as a friend, so I'm not sure why he had to act out, so as not to lead me on. I don't get it. And, I'm not so much mad, as I am disappointed, because I consider him a dear friend whom I've known for years.

But, I did my best to keep my head up, because all his criticizing was not going to bring me down. I wouldn't allow for that to happen. No fucking way. I've had too many men in my life think they could overpower and bully me by emotionally abusing me. And you know what? That shit doesn't work anymore.

I've been called a "bitch" and a "c-nt" or how I wasn't thin enough way too many times by asshole guys who all supposedly loved me, and I will never again tolerate it or have it in my life.They can go fuck themselves. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that. And, I don't want that.

I'm taking back my life and my happiness. I want to find somebody who will treat me well, somebody who won't scream at me or throw things, somebody who will show me how much he loves me, and somebody who will appreciate me for who I am. I'm not going to settle for bullshit anymore, abuse, or being with somebody who doesn't put any effort into the relationship. I'm done.

I'm moving on. And hopefully, I will find that guy someday, wherever he may be. The only thing I can do is put myself out there and wait, but at the same time, sit back and enjoy my life. Even through the bouts of loneliness, I feel immense happiness that I'm finally free from all the pain of the past.

And if you ever find yourself a victim of emotional abuse in a relationship, just know that you are not the problem. It stems from his issues, not yours. He tries to hurt you to make himself feel better. Stay strong and don't let his words break you. My best advice is: walk away if you can, and if you choose to stay, stand up for yourself. Don't let anybody ever bring you down, even if they say they love you. Take back the power once and for all.

Revolutionary Road

This movie looks so amazing, and I absolutely love Leo and Kate. They're phenomenal actors, and they really do have great chemistry with each other. I mean, hello! Titanic, anyone?



I realize once I'll watch it, there's a strong possibility that I will never want to get married or have children, but I guess that's the chance I'm willing to take.

It's based on a book by Richard Yates, and I think I might pick it up this weekend with my two Barnes and Nobles gift cards from Christmas. I want to read that and The Lovely Bones., which is also being made into a film directed by Peter Jackson.

Scary Bad Date

This horrific date story was e-mailed to me, and I've been meaning to post it for quite some time. Some bad date stories are so bad that they're funny. This one, however, is not one of those: this bad date story is downright frightening. Let this be a cautionary tale to all you fabulous and sexy women out there who are trying to find love online. Just because you talk to a guy online, doesn't mean you really know him. Cyberstalk the shit out of him if you have to.

And always meet in a public place. Never go to his place, or have him come to yours. Follow your instincts and be cautious at all times. The most important thing is to make sure you keep yourself safe and sound :-)And I would like to thank this reader for sharing such an incredibly personal experience.

I was about 19 so this was about 10 years ago when IM'ing was still a novelty. (See how the internet keeps getting me in trouble?) I had a friend who moved from Florida (where I live) to Michigan and we would chat every once in a while. One night I was chatting with him in a chat room (can't remember why we were in a "chat room" but whatever). Some other guy, Jason, starts talking to us and my friend said he knew him from school and whatever.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I start talking to this guy who is a friend of a friend who lives in Michigan. I had a boyfriend but I was severely flirtting with this kid because I figured, "what's the harm? He lives in Michigan!" We exchanged numbers and information via email but neither of us ever called the other and we had been emailing for several weeks, maybe even a few months.

Well, one morning at 5 am (I'll never forget!) I get a phone call from Jason, and he tells me he is in Fort Lauderdale at a Greyhound bus station. I didn't know what to do but from what little I knew of this kid, he seemed really nice, so I go to the bus station to pick him up. He stunk like he hadn't showered...ever and he had this dirty duffle bag with him and he looked like his parents were blood related. I thought he looked similar to the pictures I had seen, but not close enough. Something was up.

So, I take him to a hotel and tell him he NEEDS to shower immediatly because I'm going to puke. He gets out of the shower and I notice something around his ankle. I asked him about it and he tells me he used to be on house arrest but he's done with his sentance. His parole officer, "forgot to cut off the ankle monitor." (DUDE! WTF?!?!) So, you can imagine at this point I'm totaly freaking out!

Okay, this is getting really long. I didn't realize how long this story was! Basicaly, here is what happened. I got back to my house, leaving "Jason" in the hotel room, went to my email and got "Jason's" home phone number. I call it and the REAL JASON ANSWERS! He tells me that this guy is his brother!!! He got my info from the emails and decided to come down here to meet me! HE IS STILL ON HOUSE ARREST AND NOW VERY MUCH WANTED BY THE POLICE!!! The Real Jason, as he's come to be known, tells me to buy his brother a ticket to Orlando (they had an uncle who lived there) and the police would be there to meet him.

I bought the ticket, dropped him off at the bus station and drove off thankful to be alive! Apparenly this guy was on house arrest for crimes which included things like breaking and entering, attempted rape and cocaine possesion. Some when he was under 18. (Hence the house arrest, I guess).

This guy actually called me (I guess he still had my number which I promptly CHANGED) from jail and asked if we could work this out! Amazingly he never contacted me again or tried to get in touch with me after getting out of jail. It was a mess and a pretty "bad date." HA!

Perfect Body or Photoshop

I love Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice. I think she has a sexy look, and I like her style. She also knows how to market herself really well. She's always dressed impeccably, hair looks fabulous, and she truly is a fashion icon for this generation.

She is currently the new model for Giorgio Armani's spring/summer lingerie collection. The photos are gorgeous, and her body looks absolutely amazing. And don't forget, this lady has had three kids! I mean, DAYUUM!

However, is her body really this good in real life? Is this a case of a picture being Photoshopped, so all her imperfections are magically wiped away with a touch of a mouse?

The Daily Mail believes it is:

"In the past, Mrs Beckham has complained how she 'looks really awful naked', adding: 'I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach.'

She also has a C-section scar from the birth of third son Cruz in 2005.

In these pictures, however, the tummy's taut and flawless.

The carefully staged poses and shadows may have helped.

But airbrushing expert Chris Bickmore believes the artifice goes a little further.

'Her skin has been totally cleaned up and polished,' he said.

'Her breasts have definitely been enhanced. I would also say her legs have been shaped and retouched.'"

I think at this point in our culture today, we should all expect everything to be Photoshopped or retouched in some way, especially when it's related to fashion. The fashion world is really just a veil of fantasy that conceals reality. Yes, models are beautiful, but they're not perfect. They have body flaws, like everybody else. Even the most breathtaking woman on the planet has some physical imperfection that she's trying to hide.

I think it's imperative that we women realize what these fashion photographs are: beautiful pictures that are staged with the best lighting, the best make-up, and the best clothes money can buy. Yeah, Victoria Beckham looks unbelievable, but I'm sure it took a lot of effort and time to make her appear that way.

That being said, I really love these photographs. The shadows juxtaposed with the light is stunning. Very sensual and erotic. Great ad campaign for lingerie. Makes you feel sexy just looking at them.

(Via Daily Mail via Project Rungay)

Tool Academy

Yup, I watch Tool Academy. Didn't want to, but I saw one episode, and now I'm hooked. I hate when that happens. I now have to balance out my guilty pleasure, shitty television habit with heavy doses of reading, watching the History and Discovery channels, and engaging in intellectual conversations revolving around Baudelaire and Nietzsche.

The premise of Tool Academy is simple: Ridiculous men, who have bizarre alter egos with names like Matsuflex, Mega, and Celebrity, go on a reality TV show, thinking that they are competing for the Mr. Awesome contest (whatever that is). However, much to their disapppointment, there is no Mr. Awesome contest, ha.

The host then tells them that they are indeed "tools", and that their girlfriends (yes, girlfriends)have brought them to the Tool Academy to be trained manners, provided lessons on how not to cheat on your girlfriend, and given a big helping of "shut the F up, you're a moron".

What I don't understand is why or how their girlfriends are with them in the first place. I know love is blind, and you can't help you fall in love with, but c'mon! Ladies, isn't it better to be single than deal with a grown man who calls himself "Matsuflex", parades around in what he refers to as "man panties", and says he has sex with different women and not his girlfriend, because he "doesn't want to screw things up"?!! Wouldn't staying single be the best choice in this situation?

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Why Love is So Hard to Find

I was on the phone with one of my best friends the other night, and we were discussing love and why it's so incredibly hard to find. It's so difficult to have love in your life, because you have to find the right balance.

How many times have you met somebody, and he was crazy about you, but you didn't feel anything for him? Or, how many times have you met an amazing guy, and you were completely smitten, but he was not? It happens all the time.

There's always somebody getting hurt, getting rejected, or getting taken for granted. And, just hope you aren't the one whose emotions are being trampled, because it's a terrible feeling. As Carrie Bradshaw would say: it's an "exquisite pain". It will leave you torn apart, crying, and yet, strangely, there is a part of you that feels so alive, because it hurts so bad. It's the type of pain that bruises every piece of your being and makes your nerve endings stand at attention.

Mutual love is almost impossible to find. Look at how many of us get our hearts broken, or how many of us break other people's hearts. The ideal relationship is totally balanced: each person loves the other. Maybe that's why it's so amazing when we do find that love.

It's so precious, like a rare gem we are uncovering for the first time. Maybe that's why when we first fall in love, we want to spend every waking moment, basking in the euphoria, in the ecstasy, because we don't want it to end. And there's always the chance that, indeed, it will.

And, if and when that love does dissolve or breaks away, we are devastated, because we never know when we will have it again. It's a scary feeling, that we may not ever find love again. Most likely, we will, but sometimes it's hard to believe. Sometimes, we don't have enough faith in love.

If we opened our eyes, we would notice that the opportunity of love is all around us, and it pops up when we least expect it. It's a flower that only blooms when it's not being watched. Love comes when we aren't searching for it; and no matter how much we want it, there's no way to bring it into our lives any sooner than it appears.

The best thing to do is to enjoy your life, surround yourself with amazing people, and try to remain positive. Once you are truly happy with yourself, then others will notice, and they will be attracted to you. Love can only enter your life if you love yourself first.

This is What Happens When Yoda is Your Editor

Was this really the best they could do for a headline? Really?!?!

If you click on the link below and read some of the comments, they are hysterical. I particularly like the one person who asks: "Did Tonto write this?"

(Via Best Week Ever)

Groundhog Day

This is my life right now: the movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray spends the majority of the movie, having the exact same day over and over. Right now, everything is so routine and tedious. I'm in a rut, emotionally, romantically, and pretty much in every other aspect of my life. I'm in this strange holding pattern, and I can't break out.

I'm really hoping I pull out of this by the summertime, because I can't stand this feeling. It's winter, so for now, I spend my weekends curled up in a blanket, watching bad TV. I don't really have any friends around. There's just nothing going on. The city is foreign to me again. It's like I just moved here, even though I've lived her for 10 years.

One of my girlfriends is going through the same thing, and she described it as being a plane that's flying around, stuck in the air, unable to land. Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like. Just flying around in circles, unable to see the ground below, constantly searching for the bright lights of the runway or some emergency cones or air traffic controllers to flag me in.

In the meantime, I have to remain positive. Things will get better; I just have to give it time. I will meet new people and live again. For now, it's quiet and maybe it's my chance to reflect on everything I want and need out of life.

Has anybody else ever gone through this? What did you do to pull yourself out?

Date with a Dipshit

Since it's 2009 and I'm currently single, I thought I would share one of the many bad date stories I have in my vault. I try my best not to think of them, so I keep them in a very dark place in my mind, along with memories of high school and my first boyfriend.

Years ago,my roommate at the time worked at a bar/club called The Exchange, and he and his girlfriend were going over there to drink for free and party it up. It was a Saturday night. I was supposed to have gone out with my boyfriend and all his friends to some club downtown, but he ended up calling me around 5 and telling me to hit the bricks.

He said that I wasn't "the one for him", and I "didn't challenge him", and there was "nothing" I could possibly do to be the person that he needed. Ouch. Yeah, this break-up was awful. Everybody has that one break-up that almost kills them, and this one was mine.

I was devastated. Why I didn't stay home is beyond me. I guess I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want to feel the intense pain because if anything I was in shock. I didn't feel the pain yet, and I wanted to prolong it as long as possible before I did. So, I went out with my roommate and his girlfriend. And I got completely obliterated.

I blacked out. I don't remember anything about the night or even the people I encountered. The next morning, I woke up with a killer hangover and my roommate telling me about some guy with whom he worked with at the club who wanted my number. Apparently, I had been dancing with him that night. Actually, I wasn't the one dancing because Colette had left her physical body, and somebody else had taken over at that point. She must've been a good dancer, whoever she was.

I call him, or he calls me, and we agree to meet up. He asks me to meet him at a local bar/pool hall called Boston Billiards, and when I show up, he's with his friend playing pool. I should've run, but I didn't. Who brings another dude on your date?!

Then, he tells me how we should go over to this club called Bill's Bar. It's a small place, and this particular night was Hip-Hop night. All three of us head over, and we have to pay money to get in, and I don't think he paid for me, but I do remember the ticket girl gave me a really nasty look as if I had just shit on her heels or something. I had no idea what her problem was. I was used to girls giving me dirty looks: I had cocktailed for a few years. You get used to the stink eyes after a while.

So, this guy, his friend and I go in, and my date is pretty much ignoring me. I'm standing there by myself with a drink I bought, and I'm trying my best not to feel really awkward and out of place, but it's pretty much impossible. The guy and his friend are talking to some people across the room, and I'm just there drinking my cocktail, hoping nobody notices me. I want to leave, but I don't.

When all of a sudden, the bitch on wheels ticket girl comes up to me and gets in my face and starts asking me a bunch of questions like how I know this guy and if I've had sex with him! Who does that?! I told her I didn't know him, and NO, I had not had sex with him, but she didn't believe me.

And she was drinking a beer, and she dumped it on me. So, I took my drink and dumped it on her. I felt like I was on The Jerry Springer Show. It was surreal. I am so not the "Bitch, I'll throw a drink in your face" type of gal. However, she left me no choice. You throw a drink on me, honey, you best be sure, I'm throwing a drink back.

Then, this maniac grabs the first bouncer she sees, and because she works there, I get thrown out. They physically remove me from the establishment, and it is super embarrassing, but I am so angry that I don't even care. I stand on the sidewalk for about 5 minutes, waiting to see if that dipshit would come out. But he didn't.

I take a cab home, soaked in beer and trying my best to hold back my tears. Around 2:30am, I get a phone call from Prince Charming, asking what happened to me and why I left. 2:30! The club was small. I'm sure he had seen everything, or at the very least heard about it.

I asked him why he would take me to a place where he was dating or had dated somebody, and he smugly replied: "Well, then there would be no place for me to go." Apparently, he was screwing or had screwed half the cocktail waitresses/bartenders/ticket girls at every bar/club in the city. He was a real catch.

About a year later, I ran into him and his "date" one night when I was waitressing at a bar near Fenway Park. I served them drinks, and the girl seemed really nice. I wanted to warn her what a douchemuffin the guy was, but I didn't. I figured I would let her figure that out by herself, like I had to do.

I hope for her sake he didn't take her anywhere later in the night where she would be physically assaulted with drinks by a crazed and jealous woman, but you never know.

If you have a bad date story, and you want to share: please e-mail me at coletteslovebytes@gmail.com

The Booty Call vs. The Guy Friend

I was discussing this with one of my girlfriends today, who just happens to be dealing with this situation: I know I've been out of the dating scene for a few years now, but can a guy friend be a booty call as well? Or does it have to be one or the other?

It's 2009, so haven't we women figured out yet how to have casual, commitment-free relationships with the opposite sex that don't get too complicated? Let me guess the answer! Not on your life.

So, if one has a guy friend, and she wants to e-mail him and text him whenever, then that's fine, but if she hooks up with him, then all of a sudden, she has to play stupid "girl runs away so boy will chase her" games? Ugh, that is ridiculous.

My girlfriend says that this guy keeps her at arms length, even though she doesn't want anything serious with him. She also said that before anything physical happens and they're just hanging out together, it's awesome and they feel comfortable with each other, but as soon as something physical goes down and the sun comes up, it's as if the whole room screams "FEAR OF INTIMACY". She said it's like those words are scrawled all over the walls in red magic marker.

Last time, she jumped out of bed early and tried to sneak out, but he caught her before she could get the door open. She told me:"I fucking hate that feeling of awkwardness and that lingering fear of intimacy vibe. I get out as soon as I open my eyes. I don't get it. It's really dumb, and sometimes I want to scream at him, I've known you for 6+ years! Look, I don't want to date you. So, just relax!"

She said the thing that sucks is they're good friends, but sex complicates things. Each person involved, whether he/she likes it or not, is playing some pseudo-sexual power game of chess. For the time being, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too, so this is what she has to deal with until some brilliant woman cracks the code on how to make a friend with benefits scenario actually work.

And, this is one of a myriad of reasons why I'm quite content being single and dateless.

New Years

This NYE, I decided to spend it with my brother, my brother's girlfriend, my brother's loud and obnoxious friend who looks as if he originated from Middle Earth and thinks he's funny, but he's just ignorant and retarded, his lovely and pleasant wife, and my brother's Pit Bull who thinks he's a person, even though he's a massive sized dog who could tear your throat out and maul your remains in a drop of a dime, not that he would, but he definitely has the capabilities.

The dog's name is Apollo, and at one point in the evening when my brother and his friend went to get the Chinese food, Apollo decided that he really liked me, like really liked me. I was sitting on the couch, and he jumped up, and climbed on me, and I was scared, not because I thought he was going to hurt me, but because I didn't want him to rip my new sweater that I had received as a Christmas gift. I tried to jump up, but he had climbed onto my back and was umm, trying to mount me. My brother's girlfriend and the other girl were standing frozen, as they laughed hysterically watching me being sexually assaulted by a dog that resembles one of the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters who guard the gates for Gozer the Gozerian.

I was able to break free and ran to the other side of the room, but he followed me and latched onto one of my legs with his extra strong Kung-Fu death grip. My brother's girlfriend was roaring with laughter, and she had to run to the bathroom because she was pissing her pants. It was hilarious, terrifying, and yet, I was strangely flattered that the dog liked me so much that he wanted to have puppies with me. It was the most action I had seen in months!

He finally calmed down, especially once my brother came home. The next day, Apollo and I spent the day watching movies and cuddling. I think we're dating now. I'm not sure. He said he would call me.