The "I Still Live at Home" Guy

I'm always baffled by these clueless and dependent (see: Mama's Boys) dumbasses. They're always in their late 20s to early 30s, and it's always for the same reason "I'm saving money for a house." No, they're not, but it sure does sound good. And they always put a good spin on their living situation: "Oh, I have an apartment downstairs." Umm, last time I checked this was called your mother's basement. If your mother has to knock before she comes down to do laundry, then it's a basement. If your mother has to call down the stairs for you to come up and eat dinner, then it's a basement.

These men always have decent jobs, and they seem to have their shit together: they don't. They're completely dependent on their mothers. Their mothers do everything for them: cook, clean, make their beds, tie their ties, and do their laundry (of course!). These guys have been babied and breast fed well into their 20s, and they're not weaning off the teat anytime soon. If you date one or worse, end up with one, you will be their new Mommy.

If you meet one of these, don't waste your time. They're immature, financially retarded, and have no understanding of the adult world as we know it. There are many guys out there who have apartments, pay their own bills, and even make their own beds, so why bother dating ones that don't? Save yourself the aggravation. Date real men, not boys.

Love Will Make You Nutso

I am convinced that falling in love will make you go insane. How do I know this?Because my girlfriend is really into this guy she's seeing, and she's become f'ing crazy! She's constantly focused on his every move: where he is, what he's doing, who he's talking to, and when she's going to see him again. It's seriously exhausting just listening to her talk about it.

As a good friend, I listen to the craziness and because I love her, I tolerate the borderline psychotic texts/e-mails/IMs from her, asking me to analyze every bit of minutiae of their interactions with each other. She's become a stalker, and I'm not sure how that even happened. She thinks about this guy morning, noon, and night, and every hour in between.

And if he's not texting her every hour, then she's freaking out, asking me if I think there's something wrong. She's become a mental case, and I'm not even sure how it happened. This is a smart, funny, and beautiful woman we are talking about here, and before this guy came along, she had a full life, so where did it all go wrong? She fell in love, and too soon, I might add. She's only known him for a month. Can you really fall for somebody in such a short time?

The romantic in me says "Of course!", but the realistic side in me says "No way!" I tell her she's nutso, and she laughs, but I think she's really lost her marbles with this one. I'm all for losing yourself in love, but this is more like Fatal Attraction sans a bunny being boiled.

I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard on her. She does really like the guy. Who am I to say that she's acting like a weirdo, since I'm not in her situation. All I know is as much as I would like to fall in love again, I want to keep my sanity. That's possible, right? We've all heard the saying "crazy in love", but does it really make you lose your mind? If so, then I'm good with my love life the way it is: uncomplicated and even fun, at times.

Image by Nikola Tamindzic via Home of the Vain Tumblr

The V-Day Coalition

Ladies, can we all just make an agreement ahead of time that we will not let Valentine's Day get us down? Instead of dwelling on the negatives: being single, dateless, no flowers/chocolate, no kisses, etc., can we please focus on the positives? The positives are: we are beautiful, free to date whomever, nobody is holding us back from our dreams, and we are not stuck in loveless relationships on Valentine's Day.

For once, I want to embrace my life on Valentine's Day because the more I think about it, I have never had a particularly wonderful V-Day. It's not all it's cracked up to be, even when I was with somebody. I've had better ones lonely and dateless.

I once got into the worst fight of our relationship with an ex-boyfriend on Valentine's Day; that was the beginning of the end for us. Years before that, I had been dumped after Christmas by a guy, and by V-Day, I had discovered that he was planning a romantic day for his new love, the girl he had always wanted, the one right before me. Knowing that he was spending Valentine's Day with his new lover tore my insides apart and left me sick to my stomach.

Truth be told, V-Day has always been better when I'm single. It's just another day. I go to work, come home, do laundry, eat dinner, watch TV, and sleep. And, if if it falls on the weekend, I spend it by myself, watching movies, but I don't go out.

Going out on Valentine's Day can be torture if you don't mentally prepare yourself: you see all the happy couples together, and it's depressing, and you can't help but think "Why can't I have that?" It's better to just chill with friends or curl up on the couch and watch chick flicks or romantic period pieces all night. At least, you know you'll enjoy yourself.

But, if you do go out that night: then rally up a few of your single girlfriends; put on your favorite heels; glam yourself up; and be as sexy and fabulous as you can be. Just remember: you may envy the girl at the bar hanging on to her boyfriend, but she's probably looking at you in all your glory, thinking "I wish I was single again."

Everybody wants the life they aren't living, even the girls with the boyfriends on Valentine's Day. So, go out and live your life as best as you can live it because before you know it, you will be that girl. Embrace your freedom as a single woman while you have it.

Scary Bad Date

This horrific date story was e-mailed to me, and I've been meaning to post it for quite some time. Some bad date stories are so bad that they're funny. This one, however, is not one of those: this bad date story is downright frightening. Let this be a cautionary tale to all you fabulous and sexy women out there who are trying to find love online. Just because you talk to a guy online, doesn't mean you really know him. Cyberstalk the shit out of him if you have to.

And always meet in a public place. Never go to his place, or have him come to yours. Follow your instincts and be cautious at all times. The most important thing is to make sure you keep yourself safe and sound :-)And I would like to thank this reader for sharing such an incredibly personal experience.

I was about 19 so this was about 10 years ago when IM'ing was still a novelty. (See how the internet keeps getting me in trouble?) I had a friend who moved from Florida (where I live) to Michigan and we would chat every once in a while. One night I was chatting with him in a chat room (can't remember why we were in a "chat room" but whatever). Some other guy, Jason, starts talking to us and my friend said he knew him from school and whatever.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I start talking to this guy who is a friend of a friend who lives in Michigan. I had a boyfriend but I was severely flirtting with this kid because I figured, "what's the harm? He lives in Michigan!" We exchanged numbers and information via email but neither of us ever called the other and we had been emailing for several weeks, maybe even a few months.

Well, one morning at 5 am (I'll never forget!) I get a phone call from Jason, and he tells me he is in Fort Lauderdale at a Greyhound bus station. I didn't know what to do but from what little I knew of this kid, he seemed really nice, so I go to the bus station to pick him up. He stunk like he hadn't showered...ever and he had this dirty duffle bag with him and he looked like his parents were blood related. I thought he looked similar to the pictures I had seen, but not close enough. Something was up.

So, I take him to a hotel and tell him he NEEDS to shower immediatly because I'm going to puke. He gets out of the shower and I notice something around his ankle. I asked him about it and he tells me he used to be on house arrest but he's done with his sentance. His parole officer, "forgot to cut off the ankle monitor." (DUDE! WTF?!?!) So, you can imagine at this point I'm totaly freaking out!

Okay, this is getting really long. I didn't realize how long this story was! Basicaly, here is what happened. I got back to my house, leaving "Jason" in the hotel room, went to my email and got "Jason's" home phone number. I call it and the REAL JASON ANSWERS! He tells me that this guy is his brother!!! He got my info from the emails and decided to come down here to meet me! HE IS STILL ON HOUSE ARREST AND NOW VERY MUCH WANTED BY THE POLICE!!! The Real Jason, as he's come to be known, tells me to buy his brother a ticket to Orlando (they had an uncle who lived there) and the police would be there to meet him.

I bought the ticket, dropped him off at the bus station and drove off thankful to be alive! Apparenly this guy was on house arrest for crimes which included things like breaking and entering, attempted rape and cocaine possesion. Some when he was under 18. (Hence the house arrest, I guess).

This guy actually called me (I guess he still had my number which I promptly CHANGED) from jail and asked if we could work this out! Amazingly he never contacted me again or tried to get in touch with me after getting out of jail. It was a mess and a pretty "bad date." HA!

Why Love is So Hard to Find

I was on the phone with one of my best friends the other night, and we were discussing love and why it's so incredibly hard to find. It's so difficult to have love in your life, because you have to find the right balance.

How many times have you met somebody, and he was crazy about you, but you didn't feel anything for him? Or, how many times have you met an amazing guy, and you were completely smitten, but he was not? It happens all the time.

There's always somebody getting hurt, getting rejected, or getting taken for granted. And, just hope you aren't the one whose emotions are being trampled, because it's a terrible feeling. As Carrie Bradshaw would say: it's an "exquisite pain". It will leave you torn apart, crying, and yet, strangely, there is a part of you that feels so alive, because it hurts so bad. It's the type of pain that bruises every piece of your being and makes your nerve endings stand at attention.

Mutual love is almost impossible to find. Look at how many of us get our hearts broken, or how many of us break other people's hearts. The ideal relationship is totally balanced: each person loves the other. Maybe that's why it's so amazing when we do find that love.

It's so precious, like a rare gem we are uncovering for the first time. Maybe that's why when we first fall in love, we want to spend every waking moment, basking in the euphoria, in the ecstasy, because we don't want it to end. And there's always the chance that, indeed, it will.

And, if and when that love does dissolve or breaks away, we are devastated, because we never know when we will have it again. It's a scary feeling, that we may not ever find love again. Most likely, we will, but sometimes it's hard to believe. Sometimes, we don't have enough faith in love.

If we opened our eyes, we would notice that the opportunity of love is all around us, and it pops up when we least expect it. It's a flower that only blooms when it's not being watched. Love comes when we aren't searching for it; and no matter how much we want it, there's no way to bring it into our lives any sooner than it appears.

The best thing to do is to enjoy your life, surround yourself with amazing people, and try to remain positive. Once you are truly happy with yourself, then others will notice, and they will be attracted to you. Love can only enter your life if you love yourself first.

Surrealism Meets the Erotic: Anthony Ventura

As I was perusing my favorite blogs the other day, I came across an amazing artist on Susannah Breslin’s intelligent and sexy blog, The Reverse Cowgirl. His name is Anthony Ventura, and his mind-blowing prints are featured at a limited time through Sexy Art Gallery in London. They are simply amazing. He uses rich colors: blood reds, midnight blues, and cotton candy pinks to create moody, eye-catching pieces. Some are part of a fetish series, and these are erotic and provocative without being the slightest bit vulgar. His art is created through a variety of methods: painting, drawing, and computer. Ventura’s prints are Renaissance meets Alice in Wonderland. Each painting is a dream world, concocted of larger than life characters where surrealism and eroticism mesh. His females are tantalizing, stunning, albeit dangerous Botticelli-esque goddesses: their bodies are voluptuous; their facial features are exaggerated as if blow-up dolls; and their gangly, serpentine legs seem to be never-ending appendages. Ventura’s women are the queens who rule over his strange and fascinating psychedelic universe, and he is their god.

BitchBuzz is Upon Us

BitchBuzz, the new online women's site geared toward the feisty, smart women of this generation is launching some time tonight. I keep on refreshing the page, but it's not live yet. The anticipation is killing me! I am so excited to read everybody's writing, and I would like to give big props to my girls, Cate Sevilla, writer of the popular blog, Cupcate, and Liz Abinante of Feministy fame. They have both been so incredibly supportive and helpful as I submit articles to BitchBuzz. I'm ecstatic to be part of this fabulous group of women writers.

The website is http://bitchbuzz.com

I am a contributing writer to the Life, Culture, and News sections. Feel free to stop by, read, love us, and leave us lots of comments!

Girlfriends

This year, I have been very fortunate to make some new friends. One, I met through work. She has been so wonderful showing me the ropes and career counseling me every step of the way. She has even given me great relationship advice when things weren’t going so well with my boyfriend. I am so lucky to have met her, and she feels as if she’s been one of my girlfriends for years. Another one, I met because she is my boyfriend’s friend’s girlfriend. She is a beautiful person, and I love hanging out with her. Also, she has an amazing knack for interior decorating. I’m so jealous! Decorating does not come naturally to me, so when I see people who could make a cardboard box look good, then I’m impressed.

Over the years, I’ve had many friendships, some of them wonderful and others not so great. In fact, some of the women were downright insane. I’m not saying it in that catty “oh, that girl’s crazy” kind of way; these women were batshit crazy. The girlfriends I have now are a small, but wonderful group of people. They are successful; two of them own their own business, and the rest have good careers. Most of them are in relationships. A couple of them are single and looking for the right guy. All my girls are fabulous and very different from one another. They’re all beautiful people inside and out. Friends should add something to your life. They are the ones you call when times are tough, and you are the one they call when they need you the most. Now, that I’m in my 30’s, I have discovered that it’s not about how many friends you have, but who your friends are. If you have one amazing friend, then that beats 10 bad ones any day.

This Week

I did something I've never done before, and I still can't believe I had the guts to do it. I asked for a raise. This week, I started thinking about all the work I had been doing and how I deserved a bump in salary. I've been at this company for almost 4 years, and I've never asked for anything. There was one year I didn't even receive a bonus, but I just let it slide. I said, "That's okay." I've been doing a lot of work, above and beyond what is required of me. I support two different groups in two different buildings. I spend 3 days at one and 2 days at the other. Some days, I go to one for a few hours, and then I hop over to the other one for the rest of the day. I work hard, but I love my job. This week, I decided to fight for myself. I wanted more money. Tuesday night, I made my decision to ask my boss for my raise, so I spent most of the night on the internet researching the best tactics. I also got some coaching from one of my girlfriends; she's assertive and always goes for what she wants. She helped me a lot. By the time I entered my boss' office and closed the door, I was ready. I was so ready that I think I bombarded him. He looked stunned with this deer in the headlights look when I approached him. I presented my case; I told him all the reasons I deserved one, and the number I had in mind. The meeting went well. We are meeting next week once he talks to his boss. Hopefully, I get the raise I want. I aimed for the stars. We'll see what happens. I've never been the type of person who stands up for herself, but I realized in this life you have to fight for yourself; nobody else is going to fight harder for you than yourself. I walked out of there feeling empowered and proud of myself. The night before, I had read an article stating that the reason why most women are underpaid in today's society is because they never ask for more money. I thought that was sad, but it made me go for it. It was nerve-wracking, and it didn't come easy to me, but I did it any way. We'll see what happens. I'm just glad I fought for myself.

The Grass is Always Greener

This week, I had the pleasure of spending time with three different girlfriends. It was nice to spend some quality chick time, and I had a great time doing it. Each woman is in a completely different dating/relationship situation. One is living with her boyfriend but neglected; one is single and looking; the other is in a relationship, but isn't sure if it's the right one. It was fascinating to see how these three women, all smart and beautiful were so unhappy with their current situations. It got me thinking: is anybody really "happy" in their relationships?

How many people do you really know who are truly satisfied in their dating/relationship situations? I can't really think of anybody, and that's the truth. I can't stand those people who pretend to have amazing relationships where they never fight, and life with their partners is one big fairy tale. You know what I say to those people? "GIMME A FUCKING BREAK!" I love my boyfriend, and we have a decent relationship, but do we fight with each other? Absolutely. We have disagreements, and sometimes we have fights. It's all part of having a relationship. I cannot imagine not fighting; it would be weird. How could you possibly get along with a person so well? I have days where I absolutely am head over heels with my guy, but I have also have days where I don't even want to look at him. I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I think it's perfectly normal not to live a fairy tale.

My girlfriends complained to me how they weren't satisfied. The women who were in relationships talked about how they were happier and more fulfilled when they were single, and the single one said she was lonely and wanted to find a guy. So, basically no matter what your situation is, you're most likely gazing over the other side of the fence staring at the grass. Even I catch myself doing it. There are some days, especially after having a nasty fight with my boyfriend, I think life was so much easier when I was single. Then, when I actually think about the days of my single life, I cringe because I remember how miserable and lonely I was. I desperately wanted to find a guy who would love me and treat me right. It took me a long time to find him, and that journey was full of heartbreak, suffering, and loneliness. It's not easy being single; I know that. However, I want my lovely and young girlfriend to enjoy her life as a single girl, a life full of freedom and reckless abandon. I would like for her to take full advantage of her life now, so she doesn't regret it later. When she's in her 30's and married with children or just in a serious, long-term relationship, she needs to look back at those wonderful years as something special, instead of what I saw them as: years I would like to forget.

When I was single, I was so focused on not being with anybody that I couldn't enjoy my life. I was sad, and I may have hid it in front of my friends, but at night when I was by myself I would cry myself to sleep. I wanted love in my life because I thought it was the missing puzzle piece. I thought it would solve all my problems; it doesn't. As my other two girlfriends know, love creates more problems. It makes life more complicated. It's no longer about you anymore. You now have a person who relies on you for comfort, stability, and love. You have to give him everything you have without losing yourself in the process. There are days you get ignored, and you feel very lonely. You sit by yourself as your guy neglects you because he is too caught up in whatever he's going through at the time. His problems become your problems. So now, instead of just dealing with your own issues, you have somebody else's as well. You try hard to give him everything he needs and wants, but some days he needs too much. You give and give, but you get little in return.

Men just don't understand what women need. This is the reason why so many relationships don't last. They have no clue. Women need affection and compliments. They need somebody to listen to them, somebody who will have a conversation with them. Women want to feel wanted. I can't tell you how painful it is when you are neglected in a relationship. It's the loneliest you will ever feel. You feel like a ghost in the room. You don't feel loved. My girlfriends know that feeling all too well. Unfortunately, I do too. You pretend it doesn't bother you, but then the tears roll down your face. You don't want to cry, but you can't help it. You just want him to hold you, but instead he acts like you're not there. It's a lonely existence. My girlfriends know this loneliness, but they don't know what to do. Do they break up with these guys, only to meet new guys who will do the same thing? Do they deal with it, living in unhappiness? I don't know the answer. I have chosen to deal with it because I love my boyfriend, and I understand that he doesn't know how much he hurts me sometimes. I've tried keeping myself fulfilled in other ways: reading, writing, or just spending 20 minutes at the gym trying to look and feel better.

My mom has always told me, "A man will not fulfill a woman. A woman must fulfill herself." It's not romantic, but it's the truth. And, this week, I saw three perfect examples of it. It was so sad to see three amazing women who were trying so hard and getting so little. One is hoping that her live-in boyfriend will show her some affection, instead of falling asleep on the couch after dinner, and the other desperately wants her boyfriend to take her out to dinner, something he never does. These women ask for so little, and yet they get even less. I saw the sadness in their eyes as they told me their stories. I saw the pain they were trying to hide. I wanted to hug them and tell them that it would be alright, but the truth is I don't know if it will be. I don't know if things will ever get better for them. I hope with all my heart they do. I wish their men see what they're not giving them. Yet, I also want them to realize that true fulfillment comes from within.

The grass may appear greener on the other side, but it's not necessarily better.

Picasso and The Woman Who Left Him

After a lot of turkey, relaxation, Christmas shopping, and some much needed quality time with the family, I am back! Yesterday, I was reading a fascinating article in Vanity Fair about the third installment of a Picasso biography. I did not know much about Picasso's personal life, except that it was turbulent, passionate, and filled with many women. Picasso was a womanizer, a misogynist, and a man who traded in women like they were cars. He would spend about 7 years with them: controlling them; verbally abusing them; creating shells of the women they once were. Then, he would leave them for another woman, somebody younger and less inexperienced. He spent a lifetime destroying women. In fact, two of them committed suicide, and most of them died penniless. One of his last relationships was with the artist, Francoise Gilot. She was 21 years old, and at the time he was 62. They developed a deep love affair. She gave him 2 children, and they were together for almost 10 years. Only this time, she left HIM. She had enough of the incessant infidelities and his abuse. She was sick of being mistreated, and she walked away from the relationship. He was devastated. She had turned the tables on him. She proved to him she was powerful, and not just a puppet in his game of love. She was a strong, independent woman who chose not to be verbally abused and tormented by a man who thought could control any woman. Although she was in a relationship with a manipulative, controlling and enigmatic man, she was able to break away from his grasp. She chose her own happiness over staying in a bad relationship. She did not let him destroy her, and in the end she prevailed: she remarried a wonderful man and she continued to paint her art. Every woman should look up to her. She is a true woman's hero. She was the one woman in his life who took a stand. The lesson of her story is: if you let a man wear you away, then you will dissolve into dust; but if you stay strong and stand up for yourself, you will rise above everything.

Are You Having a Hard Time Meeting Guys?

It's tough to meet quality men. The bars and clubs are usually full of drunken idiots who only care about picking up girls and sleeping with them. Bars and clubs are not the best places to find a good man. Take this from somebody who knows. I used to meet men in bars and clubs, and I never had good experiences. They weren't bad men; they were just not ready to settle down or even get to know somebody long enough to know if they really liked her. They were all about the party and chasing women. You don't want this guy.

If you are having a hard time meeting men, then try going to different places. If you have friends who are hosting an intimate party: throw on a sexy skirt and heels; a little mascara and lip gloss; and prepare to flirt with a cute guy or two. Parties are an excellent way to meet people, but in a less sexually charged environment as a club or a bar. The best parties to meet eligible men are dinner parties or small gatherings . The worst parties are parties that have the word "keg" or "toga required" included somewhere in the evite. If you are seeking out an adult man to date, then stay away from parties that include drinking games or people doing multiple shots.

Another fantastic way to meet men is to go to different events with your girlfriend. There are so many wonderful, cultural things to do; you just have to know how to find them. Go online or look through the newspaper for local events at museums, theatres, art galleries, or even restaurants. These events are usually good opportunities to meet well-rounded, intelligent men. There are a lot of guys out there who are looking for exactly what you are, but he can't seem to find the right girl. Some museums put together weekly singles nights. You and your girlfriend can dress up in flirty little black dresses and mingle with men in front of priceless pieces of art. Many restaurants feature wine tastings and special dinners. These are perfect nights to taste some wine, delicious food, and talk to a great guy who has been searching for a woman who will appreciate the finer things in life.

Talk to your friends. Ask them if they know of anyone you can meet. Sometimes women forget about that one guy who they've been friends with forever, but they just aren't attracted to him. Maybe your friend's boyfriend has some cute friends. Ask some of your best girlfriends if they'd like to double date. It's a lot easier and more fun if you go on a double date than a dreaded blind date. Pick some fun things to do: miniature golfing, bowling, or billiards. Keep the date casual and think of it as a night with friends, not a date with some guy you barely know.

The more you try out new places and different activities, the more likely you will meet a great guy. It's also always good to keep yourself active and your mind stimulated. Try not to dwell on not having met a guy yet; focus on your happiness and your freedom. This is your time to do whatever you would like to do. When you're 45 and married with children, you will look back at this time and think, "I wish I had done more when I was single!"

Single and Lonely?

Are you feeling sad? Maybe you met a guy and he hasn't called yet. Maybe you're dating somebody and things just aren't working out. This happens to the best of us. Sometimes it's tough to come home to an empty house when you're feeling lonely or sad. The best way to get yourself in a better mood is to focus on ways of making yourself feel better. Here are some ideas:

1) If he hasn't called yet, then throw your phone against the wall and scream "I HATE YOU!!" as loud as you can. It won't make him call, but you will feel less stressed afterwards.

2) Eat an entire bag of candy. You will feel so sick that you won't think twice about how depressed you are.

3) Drink an entire bottle of wine; stumble around your apartment singing "I Will Survive"; collapse on your bed, clasping your ex-boyfriend's picture in your drunken, clammy hands.

4) Call your girlfriend who is in a bad relationship. Talk to her for about 10 minutes. By the time she has told you how miserable she is with her boyfriend, a relationship will be the last thing on your wish list.

5) Dress your cats up and re-enact scenes from "The Notebook".

6) Cruise the online chat rooms; tell all the guys you're only 13 and see how many perverts respond.

7) Buy one of those cheesy romance novels they sell in the grocery store; as you read, imagine yourself as a busty, bodice-covered princess with a proclivity for dating muscular, well-endowed Indian warriors. Your night will fly by!

8) Watch any reality dating show, and then chant this as your mantra, "At least I am not as pathetic as these people. At least I'm not as pathetic as these people. At least I'm not as pathetic as these people..."

9) Plan a date with your TiVo and then over a glass of wine, ask it why it taped "Murder She Wrote" and "The Golden Girls". Then say, "You know, you can be easily replaced."

10) Invite your girlfriend over and analyze each other's love life. If she asks you about the guy you met at the club who was dry humping your thigh, pretend like you have no idea what she's talking about and make a little promise to yourself that you will no longer drink Patron.