Online dating in the 21st century has replaced the singles bars of the 80’s and early 90’s. The numbers of people who have or are currently trying to find love online is staggering. Over 7 million people per year register with online dating sites to search for their soul mates. What types of people join, you may ask? All types do, or so you would think. However, after a little online dating research of my own, I found that not to be the case - for the men anyway. There were about ten types of guys and then variations of those ten. Some of you might think I’m generalizing, but if you don't believe me, then go online and check it out for yourself. You'll see I’m speaking the truth. The following list includes:
1. The Hopeless Romantic (aka Soulmate Seeker)
This guy enjoys fine dining, picnics in the park, roaring fires on a wintery night, moonlit walks on the beach, traveling, dancing, pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. He’s all about finding “a lady he can adore”, “the one he can drop rose petals in her bath for”,basically a woman he can annoy the hell out of!! How can anybody actually have a relationship with this guy? I just picture myself coming home from work, tired and cranky, just wanting to heat up some leftovers and watch Laguna Beach, meanwhile he’s lighting cranberry scented candles and playing Barry Manilow records. Or , I just want to go to bed, but instead he makes me listen to the latest love poem he wrote to me, the one about how my hair smells like strawberries and how I complete him…oof! A little romance is nice, but too much is sickening.
2. The Player
This guy enjoys going out to bars, sports, hiking, working out, drinking, women, going to concerts, women, foosball, hiking, women, women, and women. He’s the guy who looks too good looking to be on a dating site. He seems too good to be true because he is. His profile will say something like, “I’m sick of the bar scene…”. Translation: I want to find ass online because lately I’ve been getting too drunk to get it up. He is a glorified frat boy. He will love you and leave you just as fast, and you will never hear from him again. When you ask him what time he’s picking you up? He’ll say “I thought I was just coming over to “hang out”? “Hang out” is code for sex. Ladies, don’t fall for it. It’s the same as when people on the Love Boat invite each other in for nightcaps. It’s a baby-makin’ phrase. You will not have a relationship with this guy, and nor would you want one…well, unless you consider doing shots of Jager and playing beer pong until somebody pukes a good night.
3. The Just Your Average Steve
This guy seems familiar because you’ve seen 1000 profiles that look just like his. His name is probably Steve, maybe Bob. He most likely works in computers. He’s moderately attractive, successful, and looking for a nice, average girl to settle down with and have 2.5 kids, a Golden Retriever, and an average-sized yard in a housing development in some generic suburb. He enjoys watching movies, going out to restaurants, going to the occasional Dave Matthews concert, skiing, hiking, and listening to music (anything but country, of course). He’s a decent guy. I imagine the date would be dinner at a decent chain restaurant, like Olive Garden or even The Cheesecake Factory, and then maybe a couple of Bass ales at the local bar. He doesn’t bring a lot to the table as far as uniqueness or charisma, but he’s a nice guy, and if you’ve dated every jerk out there already, and you’re sick of walking in on your boyfriend in bed with your best friend, then maybe this is the guy for you.
4. The Scorned
This guy’s profile looks normal enough, but he hides a deep, dark secret…he’s not over his ex-girlfriend. However, this secret will come to light as soon as you start talking to him. Within the first two minutes of your conversation, he will ask how long ago your last relationship was. He won’t ask because he’s generally interested. He’ll ask because he wants to use it as a springboard to talk ALL about his last girlfriend and how she broke his heart and how she was the love of his life, and he treated her like gold, and how she cheated on him with all his friends, etc. A girlfriend of mine said she met up with a guy who within the first five minutes had told her about his cheating ex and how she had ripped his heart out. How do you choose to make that your introduction to somebody? “Hi, my name is Bill. I like long walks on the beach, crossword puzzles, camping, and I was with somebody for six years and she cheated on me and then left me, and I’ve never been able to trust anybody ever since, and well, here I am…” Yikes! At first, you might feel sympathetic, thinking how could that big meany of an ex-girlfriend be so cold and treat such a great guy like that? However, start reading between the lines, and you think, hmmm…he claims that he treated her like gold, but he most likely ignored her or took her for granted until finally she couldn’t take the pain of the relationship any longer and just found somebody else. He didn’t realize what he had until she was gone…and banging some other dude. If you do meet this guy, tell him to call you when he’s done grieving. That will probably take 9 months, and if you do hear from him in 9 months, keep in mind that you could easily be the one he ignores and takes for granted.
5. The Clueless
This guy’s profile will say how he has no idea why he’s on the site, that it was something he did on a whim, and he has no idea what he’s looking for. First of all, if he has no idea what he is doing or looking for, why do you want anything to do with him? Why did he sign up in the first place? That’s easy. He got really drunk, one night, drowning his sorrows, drinking Jack right out of the bottle, and said “What the hell?” and signed up. He probably didn’t remember he had done it until he started receiving e-mails from other girls who were just as clueless as him. Ladies, if he’s this clueless from the start, then just imagine what your date will be like…that is if he shows up for it.
6. The Artist
This guy lists his profession as artist; translation: I dropped out of art school and now I work at Kinko’s. Dude, sketching in your notepad does not classify you as an artist, sorry. His profile picture will be black and white and very artsy looking. It will be taken from an angle, and he will look very dark and mysterious. Your date will be something that doesn’t cost any money, because he has none. At first, you might think that walking around the park on a beautiful day is romantic and spontaneous, but it’s not. The guy can’t afford anything else. He might even try to skip the courting all together, that way you can just go over to his tiny, run-down apartment, smoke pot, watch the Family Guy, and maybe screw. Next!
7. The “10 Year-Old” Photo
This guy’s profile pic at first glance is impressive. He’s handsome, good body, and a nice, youthful smile. However, as you stare at the picture you start to notice things. “Hey, is he wearing a football uniform?” “Is his hair gelled?” “Oh my God! Is the girl next to him wearing Guess jeans, and are they pegged, and does her baby tee say I’M TOO SEXY FOR THIS SHIRT?” You suddenly realize that the picture is from his senior year in high school and that was about ten years ago! You think, “Hey, how much could somebody change, right?” You meet him at a nice bar. He approaches you and you have no idea it’s him because he looks NOTHING like his picture. His hair line is receding, he has a beer gut, and his once youthful smile is gone, replaced by a slight scowl brought on by age and the bitterness of losing his once good looks. He’s a nice guy, but unless you forget about the picture of what once was, you won’t be able to date him because you’ll be constantly wondering when that guy in the picture will be the one showing up for your next date.
8. The Cling – On
This guy will get way too attached way too fast, without even meeting you. After a couple of good IM sessions, he thinks you’re his girlfriend. As soon as you log on, he will be waiting for you. Thirty seconds after you’ve signed into IM, he pops up saying hello. If you don’t respond right away, he’ll get all worried. He’ll say things like, “What? Am I not as hot as the guys you usually date? You know I’m so sick of games. I thought you were different.” He’s a psycho. If he sees that you’ve been online and you haven’t tried to contact him, he’ll become upset as if he’s your jealous boyfriend catching you online talking to other guys. The best way to handle this guy is lie, tell him you’re back with your ex or you have to move to Timbuktu and then block him from e-mailing or IMing you. Just hope he has no idea where you live, and he’s not going to come over, hide in your bushes and boil your rabbit.
9. The Children/Dog Lover
This guy has a profile, filled with pictures of him, cradling (other people’s) babies, frolicking with (other people’s) dogs, and romping with (other people’s) little kids. It’s ridiculous! We get it, you like kids and animals. This guy should make you wary because it seems like he’s trying too hard to show you how lovable he is. He’s probably a total prick with anger management problems, or he’s just so deeply flawed as an individual that he needs to put up this big façade of being St. Francis of Assisi. It seems like a trap to me. He knows that women love kids and furry animals so he uses them as bait. What’s next, him posing with a basket of kittens in a nursery of newborn babies? Stay away from this one…nobody likes children and animals this much even the people who actually have them!
10. The Estranged
This guy claims he’s separated from his wife. He’s not. He’s most likely still married, and his wife has absolutely no idea that her beloved husband is cruising online for unsuspecting girls who are just looking for “Mr.Right” or even “Mr.Ehh…He’s Better than Nothing”. He’s an adulterer, plain and simple. A girlfriend of mine met somebody online who wasn’t separated, he was married, and when she confronted him about it. He made up some cock and bull story about how his wife had MS and she couldn’t have sex with him. The old “debilitating disease” excuse. How do you know you’ve met him? He will call you at odd times of the night and day. He will call you from a restricted number. You will never see his place. He will make up some excuse about how he’s remodeling right now and the place is in shambles. He will be out of town on business a lot, and forget about spending time with him during the holidays…he’s with the wife and kids.
Well, ladies, good luck with your search for meeting Prince Charming online. I think the key is to find a happy medium because nobody is perfect.
1 comment:
Amen! I've seen them all! LOL!
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