Taking Back the Power

I met up with one of my girlfriend's for dinner, and because I'm currently suffering from a cold, called it an early night. I cabbed it back home, and found myself in an empty apartment, sick with a bad cold with nobody to take care of me (my ex had gone out for the evening), and I realized although I've been reconnecting with old friends and family and having a great time with them, I have to admit, I'm kind of lonely.

I haven't been on a date in years. It would be nice to meet up with a guy and flirt and have fun again. It's been so long. I look around and pretty much everybody is with somebody: most of my friends are in serious relationships or have just met somebody. I want that, too.

I can't remember the last time somebody showed me any affection or told me I looked pretty. I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have where I was just a shadow. I felt invisible most of the time, as if I didn't matter; I was a ghost. Sometimes I was so starved for attention that I had to ask him to hug me. I was lonely, sad, and felt hopeless every single day. I would roll over on my side at night and cry myself to sleep, and all I could do was hope that tomorrow would be better. It never was.

I asked a good friend of mine, a guy, to go out with me last weekend, just so I could have fun and dress up and feel good about myself. But for whatever reason, he acted like he didn't want to be there, or he did, just not with me. He criticized my outfit, my style, and even made a comment about one of my blog posts, telling me how it wasn't written well. I'm not sure what his deal was.

Maybe he felt by cutting me down, it would keep me from falling for him or something. I've been trying to wrap my brain around it all week, and I still can't figure it out. I only see him as a friend, so I'm not sure why he had to act out, so as not to lead me on. I don't get it. And, I'm not so much mad, as I am disappointed, because I consider him a dear friend whom I've known for years.

But, I did my best to keep my head up, because all his criticizing was not going to bring me down. I wouldn't allow for that to happen. No fucking way. I've had too many men in my life think they could overpower and bully me by emotionally abusing me. And you know what? That shit doesn't work anymore.

I've been called a "bitch" and a "c-nt" or how I wasn't thin enough way too many times by asshole guys who all supposedly loved me, and I will never again tolerate it or have it in my life.They can go fuck themselves. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that. And, I don't want that.

I'm taking back my life and my happiness. I want to find somebody who will treat me well, somebody who won't scream at me or throw things, somebody who will show me how much he loves me, and somebody who will appreciate me for who I am. I'm not going to settle for bullshit anymore, abuse, or being with somebody who doesn't put any effort into the relationship. I'm done.

I'm moving on. And hopefully, I will find that guy someday, wherever he may be. The only thing I can do is put myself out there and wait, but at the same time, sit back and enjoy my life. Even through the bouts of loneliness, I feel immense happiness that I'm finally free from all the pain of the past.

And if you ever find yourself a victim of emotional abuse in a relationship, just know that you are not the problem. It stems from his issues, not yours. He tries to hurt you to make himself feel better. Stay strong and don't let his words break you. My best advice is: walk away if you can, and if you choose to stay, stand up for yourself. Don't let anybody ever bring you down, even if they say they love you. Take back the power once and for all.