Just Friends

My mom has a theory that there's no such thing as a guy friend, just somebody who was, or still is interested, but he got caught in the friend zone, and now you two are buddies. I'm not sure this can be said about all male/female relationships, but there are the select few instances where this theory holds true.

You meet a guy, and he likes you, and because you're a friendly person, you're nice to him, and then he sits around and bides his time hoping (a) you'll see how amazing he really is (b) realize that what you've been searching for is right under your nose, or (c) hope to get you so wasted that you lower your sober standards and have sex with him.

This so-called friend will linger for months, even years, just waiting for you to choose him. 9 times out of 10, you do not end up with him. Sure, there are people out there who fall for their best guy friends, but it's rare.

The worst part is when you do like some other guy, he will act like a needy, jealous boyfriend. And forget about trying to hook up with somebody around him because he brings a whole new meaning to the classic "cock block". This guy will go out of his way to keep you from hooking up with this person. When finally you have to step in and say "Ok, cut the shit."

He acts as if he carries the secret lock to your vagina. This is why you have to be blunt, and if it means hurting the guy's feelings, then so be it. You can't let somebody ruin your happiness because jackass didn't get the hint 8 months ago that you two were only friends and nothing else.

So, how do you keep these friends from coming into your life? The key is to look for the warning signs right off the bat. Red flags are:

- overly helpful
- makes it annoyingly clear that he's attracted to you, despite you changing the subject
- when you talk about other guys, he puts them down
- texts and e-mails constantly through the day and night
- never dates anybody
- makes comments how you need a "real man"
- calls himself "a nice guy"
- is always trying to spend alone time with you
- makes snide remarks to the guy with whom you're interested, but passes it off as he's joking (he's not)

Communication is key. You control this friendship, so if he steps out of line, then it's your job to straighten him out. Don't let anybody make you feel uncomfortable. And if your friend can't respect your boundaries, then tell him to hit the bricks. Trust me, there are men out there who are able to manage a friendship with a woman without it bordering the line of stalking or sexual harassment. "Just friends" means just friends.

Rude People on Cell Phones

Hey Rude is one of my favorite blogs, and it features submissions from annoyed folks who come across rude people on their daily travels. People on cell phones drive me nuts. Because every jackass on a cell phone in public doesn't realize or care if he/she is bothering the people around them.

I especially like it when somebody talks loudly, so that everybody can hear his/her conversation. Hey Rude has a perfect example of this total disregard for other people. Can you imagine being stuck at the nail salon being forced to listen to this waste of a human being.

(Via Hey Rude)

Narcissus Called and He Says You're In Love With Yourself

Throughout my online dating adventures, I was contacted by a guy who was extremely attractive, intelligent, and successful. He was the total package, except for one major flaw: he was completely in love with himself. I have never seen anything like it before.

He sent me an e-mail, and I responded, and then he waited quite a while before he responded, several days in fact. However, I would see that he was viewing my profile here and there. It was strange. Usually once you respond to somebody's e-mail, that person does not hesitate to reply back, but he did.

Finally, he replied. And then we chatted on IM. He asked me what attracted me to him, and I said that he was "cute". He was offended by the comment. He said that he was used to women "throwing themselves at him". He said that I didn't seem that into him. Hi, I don't know you! We just started talking! So, the only thing I could go by was the profile and his pictures.

Against my better judgment, I agreed to meet him for drinks. The plan was that he was supposed to e-mail me during the work day and we would iron out the details of the date. He never e-mailed me at work, so instead of waiting around like somebody's lap dog, I made other plans with my roommate.

That night around 8, he called. I let it go to voicemail. He sent me a message through the online dating site. He wanted to go out. I told him I had plans. He told me to cancel them. I told him no, and then he said that he had a back-up date. However, he continued to insist that I cancel my plans. I refused.

He said that if I really liked him, then I would cancel. I didn't. I don't break plans for assholes. In fact, I don't break plans for any guy. I had a life before him, and just because he's in the picture, doesn't mean I have to alter my whole world for him.

The funny thing about this particular guy was the fact that if he was so fantastic and women were throwing themselves at him like he insisted they were, then why was he cruising the online dating sites looking for available women? He claimed he was "selective", but a lot of guys say that to make the woman feel special. These men usually aren't that picky: they're desperate.

In the end, despite this guy's good looks, he became increasingly unattractive to me. He was an arrogant asshole who really thought he was a gift to all women and that they should actively pursue and chase him. F that. I will never chase a man. It's not worth my time or the effort I put into it because whether he realizes it now or not, the one he will end up falling for will be the one whom he pursues.

Can Somebody Smack This Woman?

There's this website called "STFU Marrieds", and I'm completely in love with it. Because I'm so fucking sick of seeing boring ass Facebook status updates from annoying friends who go on and on about their married lives. I have one friend in particular who constantly updates her page with comments about how she misses her "man" when he travels on business. STFU. He's probably cheating on you. This is the same one who used to have a t-shirt that said "I love my boyfriend". People like this need to be smacked upside the head. Seriously.


(Click on the picture for a larger view)

(Via STFU Marrieds)

Photoshop Disaster: Britney's Candies Ads

She looks like a wax sculpture from Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. Everything about these ads are artificial and strange looking. It's as if they took some random photos of Britney and superimposed them into various pictures.

(Via D Listed)

The Pick-Up Artist Gone Wrong

The other night, my roommate and I decided to grab some drinks at a local bar up the street from us. We sat down at the bar and ordered a couple of Coronas and about twenty minutes later, two guys walked in. Before we knew it, one of them came over to us in a frenetic, yet extremely awkward manner and blurted out: "If you could give up one thing, great food or great sex, which would it be?"

The worst part was he stammered because he was obviously nervous, which made my roommate and I feel really uncomfortable and embarrassed for him. In fact I was cringing, and I couldn't even answer his poll question or whatever it was because my mind had gone blank. The situation was sad, and he obviously felt humiliated and soon left the bar with his wingman aka the silent, timid guy standing next to him.

I decided to research the PUA (Pick-Up Artists) opening lines. Now, just picture some guy coming up to you and a friend, asking you these stupid questions.

Settle this bet for me, ok? If you KNOW you will never get caught, is it cheating?

Guys, quick question. What's hotter: a tattoo, or a piercing?

Do you guys know any good places to dance around here?

Guys. I have a really important question for you. Like, fate of the world stuff. You ready? Bacon? Or ham?

OK, I need help settling this argument. Guys or girls: who kisses better?

How about instead of all this hoopla, a guy comes over with some confidence and a smile and says hello and asks you how your night is going so far. Simple is good. Women respond well to friendly and confident. They don't want to be polled or surveyed. You have a much better chance of striking up a conversation acting normal than you do coming across as a bad TV game show host.