Take This Heart Necklace and Shove It Up Your Ass

Forget all the cheesy jewelry commercials showing the loving boyfriend surprising his sleeping girlfriend with a tacky gold heart necklace and matching heart earrings. Eww! My high school/college boyfriend bought me a gold heart necklace one year with my birthstone in it. Every time I see one of those commercials, I think of the hell he put me through before he gave it to me. He had come over Christmas Eve to exchange gifts, and then he proceeded to tell me that he hadn't bought me anything. I cried; all my dreams of opening a Christmas gift from my first love were shot. I gave him a really cool wolf puppet (I know that sounds weird), but he really wanted it. I was heartbroken that he hadn't even thought of me for Christmas. The next morning, I found a little box under the tree, and when I opened it, the gold heart sparkled. Life was good again. Now, when I think back to that Christmas, I think, "What an A-HOLE! He let me cry on Christmas Eve!! Who does that??!!!" The heart necklace is stashed away somewhere or at least I think it is. I could've thrown it out. I don't need any reminders of that relationship. It was my first, and it was a complete disaster. Never date a narcissistic actor who may or may not be a manic depressive.

Another Christmas in yet another dysfunctional relationship, I received a CD in a brown paper bag. The bastard couldn't even wrap it!!! What did I give him? A beautiful sculpture of a polar bear from The Museum Company; it was a replica of some sculpture in some museum in some city. It was wrapped in shiny red paper with a luminescent white ribbon. Classy, huh? Damn right, that's how I roll. Once he gave me that brown paper bag, I should've walked out of his apartment. It would've saved me a lot of pain and time. I was an idiot. I was super in love with a total douchebag who was madly in love with some white trash chick who was married and looked like Tonya Harding on a good day. I mean, how can you hand your girlfriend a paper bag with a CD in it for her Christmas gift?? Wow. He should've just handed me a note that said, "I don't like you enough to wrap. Sorry."

My last ex worked so hard on my Christmas that it actually became more of a chore than an actual heartfelt gesture. It spoke volumes about our relationship. "Well, maybe if I get the perfect card, that says all the right things, our relationship will be good." We gave each other fabulous Christmas gifts and cards that would bring tears to your eyes. I remember he showed me how he wrapped my presents so perfectly that he matched the wrapping paper edges up to each other, so the gift appeared seamless. It must've taken him hours. I thought that was strange, sweet, but strange all the same. I made many mistakes in that relationship, and I blamed myself for a while. He was such a nice guy, and I was horrible to him. We were completely mismatched, and what we thought was love was just two desperate people trying very hard not to be alone. We were two souls looking for love and only finding bitterness and disappointment. He bought me a gorgeous necklace that Christmas. It was a silver pendant with two sparkling diamond chips; only the dumbass didn't even know they were diamonds. He had left the tag in the box, so I had seen the price. They were diamonds. He also bought me a gorgeous abalone bracelet. It fell apart right after our break-up; how fitting. I turned it into a necklace, and I wear it every now and then. It's very pretty, but I don't like wearing pieces of the past. Why would I want to wear something that reminds me of a time in my life I would rather forget?

This Christmas, I am looking forward to a nice holiday without hidden presents, paper bags, and wrapping paper for the obsessive compulsive.

Picasso and The Woman Who Left Him

After a lot of turkey, relaxation, Christmas shopping, and some much needed quality time with the family, I am back! Yesterday, I was reading a fascinating article in Vanity Fair about the third installment of a Picasso biography. I did not know much about Picasso's personal life, except that it was turbulent, passionate, and filled with many women. Picasso was a womanizer, a misogynist, and a man who traded in women like they were cars. He would spend about 7 years with them: controlling them; verbally abusing them; creating shells of the women they once were. Then, he would leave them for another woman, somebody younger and less inexperienced. He spent a lifetime destroying women. In fact, two of them committed suicide, and most of them died penniless. One of his last relationships was with the artist, Francoise Gilot. She was 21 years old, and at the time he was 62. They developed a deep love affair. She gave him 2 children, and they were together for almost 10 years. Only this time, she left HIM. She had enough of the incessant infidelities and his abuse. She was sick of being mistreated, and she walked away from the relationship. He was devastated. She had turned the tables on him. She proved to him she was powerful, and not just a puppet in his game of love. She was a strong, independent woman who chose not to be verbally abused and tormented by a man who thought could control any woman. Although she was in a relationship with a manipulative, controlling and enigmatic man, she was able to break away from his grasp. She chose her own happiness over staying in a bad relationship. She did not let him destroy her, and in the end she prevailed: she remarried a wonderful man and she continued to paint her art. Every woman should look up to her. She is a true woman's hero. She was the one woman in his life who took a stand. The lesson of her story is: if you let a man wear you away, then you will dissolve into dust; but if you stay strong and stand up for yourself, you will rise above everything.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm very excited that it's Tuesday night, and I am leaving work early tomorrow to start my holiday. I love Thanksgiving. It's such a relaxing day to hang out with your loved ones and eat. This year will be my boyfriend's and my first Thanksgiving together. We are going up to his mother's house tomorrow night and staying over. Then, in the morning we will awaken to delicious smells as his family prepares scrumptious dishes for a big Thanksgiving feast. I love that my boyfriend and I like spending time with each other's family. I love his family, and he loves mine. Family is so important to me, and I know it's important to him. And, Thanksgiving is all about family. It's one day to share a wonderful meal and reconnect as a family. I haven't seen my boyfriend's family in some time, but I'm looking forward to seeing them again. I know, my mom would've liked for me to be at Thanksgiving dinner this year, but she understands. She's happy that I've found a great guy with an awesome family; sometimes that's hard to find. I think many times people disconnect from their family because they get caught up in their lives. However, they forget that the simple things in life can bring the most happiness: sitting on the couch with your loved ones watching the Macy's Day Parade; helping with the candied yams; playing with the pets; eating a mouthwatering turkey with all the fixins; or just cuddling with your favorite guy as you both fall into a food coma. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

He's Great Because He's Unavailable

How many times have you met the perfect guy: intelligent, funny, successful, and sexy as hell? You want him...badly. However, Mr. Perfect is only giving you 1/2 his time. Sometimes he calls you. Sometimes he doesn't. He pulls disappearing acts for days at a time. He cancels on you at the last minute. Yet, you continue to see him. You make excuses for him. You tell yourself that he really likes you, but he has so many other things going on. These are some of my all time favorite excuses for an unavailable man, and I've used them a million times:

1) "He's really busy...(at work, school, with his family, dealing with an illness", etc.)
2) "He's scared of love."
3) "He doesn't like to be tied down."
4) "He's coming out of a really bad relationship."
5) "He doesn't want to admit how much he likes you."
6) "He's depressed."
7) "He's stressed."
8) "He's still figuring out what he wants."
9) "Things will change once he feels more comfortable."
10)" We have conflicting schedules."

Ok, so what do you do? You spend hours analyzing, debating, and picking apart conversations and meaningless gestures of affection he may have sprinkled on you here and there. You and your girlfriends stay up all night, discussing each other's almost boyfriends. So, then these men DON'T have good reasons why they're slightly around, only when they want to be; never when you want them to be? Oh, they have a good reason. It's just not the one you want. Why are they unavailable? Simple. They don't like you enough; they like you slightly, just not enough.

Sure, they'll call you every now and then. They may even go on some half-assed date with you. But then, try to get a hold of them the next day: they're unavailable. You may leave a message for them to call you back. Then, they'll call you back a few days later. "Oh, hey I got your message. I've been so BUSY." And, the sad part is you believe them. You believe them even you know in the back of your mind, it's just a cover for the truth. However, you don't want to face the truth. You want to believe that this guy is crazy about you because it would be a blow to your self-esteem if he weren't.

Years ago, when I was really naive, I dated a guy. I was absolutely crazy about him. He was smart, funny, and he looked like Patrick Dempsey...just like him! I was in love with him. At the time, I was just having fun, and I liked his company. It had been a while since my last two relationships, each of which had ended on a sour note, and I got caught up in being in love. I thought he was great. Sure he only saw me a couple times a week, and I never visited or even saw where he lived. He was awesome.

Oh, there were several times he made plans with me and stood me up. There were many nights I drove all the way into the city to find myself alone in a bar or restaurant, waiting and waiting as people stared at me in pity. I was a fool. I wanted to be loved so badly that I threw myself at somebody who liked me as a friend, but he didn't have any real feelings for me. Instead of paying attention to the way he treated me, I focused on my feelings for him. I was delusional, and I made a ton of excuses for somebody who could care less about me.

I remember after about 6 months of almost dating, I told him how I felt about him. That was a moment of time I will never forget: the look in his eyes and how he told me in the nicest of ways that he didn't have the same feelings. I was devastated. However, my delusions got the best of me once again. I remained friends with him. Until one day, he took off on me; he relocated with his company and never even told me. I wasted almost a year on a man who did not love me and did not want to be with me. I think if anything, he felt bad for me.

Learn from somebody who knows: if a guy is not giving you attention and only spends time here and there with you, he's not the guy. Walk away. Don't let somebody make a fool of you. Worse, don't let somebody pity you for having feelings they don't.

Are You Having a Hard Time Meeting Guys?

It's tough to meet quality men. The bars and clubs are usually full of drunken idiots who only care about picking up girls and sleeping with them. Bars and clubs are not the best places to find a good man. Take this from somebody who knows. I used to meet men in bars and clubs, and I never had good experiences. They weren't bad men; they were just not ready to settle down or even get to know somebody long enough to know if they really liked her. They were all about the party and chasing women. You don't want this guy.

If you are having a hard time meeting men, then try going to different places. If you have friends who are hosting an intimate party: throw on a sexy skirt and heels; a little mascara and lip gloss; and prepare to flirt with a cute guy or two. Parties are an excellent way to meet people, but in a less sexually charged environment as a club or a bar. The best parties to meet eligible men are dinner parties or small gatherings . The worst parties are parties that have the word "keg" or "toga required" included somewhere in the evite. If you are seeking out an adult man to date, then stay away from parties that include drinking games or people doing multiple shots.

Another fantastic way to meet men is to go to different events with your girlfriend. There are so many wonderful, cultural things to do; you just have to know how to find them. Go online or look through the newspaper for local events at museums, theatres, art galleries, or even restaurants. These events are usually good opportunities to meet well-rounded, intelligent men. There are a lot of guys out there who are looking for exactly what you are, but he can't seem to find the right girl. Some museums put together weekly singles nights. You and your girlfriend can dress up in flirty little black dresses and mingle with men in front of priceless pieces of art. Many restaurants feature wine tastings and special dinners. These are perfect nights to taste some wine, delicious food, and talk to a great guy who has been searching for a woman who will appreciate the finer things in life.

Talk to your friends. Ask them if they know of anyone you can meet. Sometimes women forget about that one guy who they've been friends with forever, but they just aren't attracted to him. Maybe your friend's boyfriend has some cute friends. Ask some of your best girlfriends if they'd like to double date. It's a lot easier and more fun if you go on a double date than a dreaded blind date. Pick some fun things to do: miniature golfing, bowling, or billiards. Keep the date casual and think of it as a night with friends, not a date with some guy you barely know.

The more you try out new places and different activities, the more likely you will meet a great guy. It's also always good to keep yourself active and your mind stimulated. Try not to dwell on not having met a guy yet; focus on your happiness and your freedom. This is your time to do whatever you would like to do. When you're 45 and married with children, you will look back at this time and think, "I wish I had done more when I was single!"

Colette's Romantic Movie Pick of the Day

The next time you want to dodge the busy bars or clubs on a Friday night, and you want to settle for a comfortable blanket, your couch, a big bowl of chocolate ice cream, and the perfect romantic movie, then rent Anthony Minghella's "The English Patient".

"The English Patient" takes place during World War II. A severely burnt man (Ralph Fiennes) is being taken care of by a French nurse named Hana (Juliette Binoche). As we get to know this man behind the bandages, we see flashbacks of his life and his affair with another man's wife (Kristin Scott Thomas), which inevitably caused his current situation. Fiennes and Thomas heat up the screen with their burning on-screen chemistry. It's a lusty, forbidden love between the two of them. Some of their scenes together will make you sweat a little. Ralph Fiennes is very sexy as the leading man, and you really feel for him; he loves a woman he's not supposed to love. It's a heartbreaking film with beautiful cinematography and a love so strong that he will do whatever it takes to have her. Great movie to watch on a cold night; it will warm you up for sure.

"Life is like Tango... sad, sensual, sexy, violent and quiet." - Anonymous

What Makes You Feel Sexy?

I find it's so tough to feel attractive and sexy when you're working 40 hours a week, cooking dinner every night, and taking care of the household. There are some nights I'm so exhausted that I usually end up in comfy pants and a t-shirt by 8 PM. I go through stages where I feel like I've lost my feminine essence. I think a lot of women go through this at some point in their lives.

Just recently, I've been getting back to feeling like my old self by pampering myself. I've been trying to wear make-up during the day; even though it's tough to always find the time to apply when I'm running out the door in the morning. It's funny how a little mascara and shimmery lip gloss can really make a woman feel like a woman. I've also been throwing on a little scent before I leave the house. Lately, I've been wearing a Crabtree & Evelyn spray: it smells like citrus, and it's a very clean scent. I stopped wearing my glasses because for some reason, I've never felt sexy in my glasses. I don't know why. I wonder if other women feel this way. I see so many beautiful women in glasses, and they seem to be quite happy and confident in them. I like the way mine look, but I don't feel attractive in them. I've always felt really hidden behind them. It's weird. I know.

I think the next thing I'm going to start doing is working out. I've been reading about how it really makes you feel good and it boosts your love life. I don't know about anyone else, but I want as much love in my life as possible! I've also been trying to pamper myself as much as possible: getting my hair cut and styled; taking long, hot showers with exfoliators, shower gels, mousses, and body moisturizers made for the shower; and buying a pair of sexy black boots made to wear with the perfect pencil skirt.

What makes you feel sexy? How do you keep feeling like a goddess on the days you feel like a tired, old hag?

Meet the Cheap Guy

Dating, when done right, can be a wonderful experience. Two people who like each other go out and engage in fun activities. It sounds pretty good to me. So, why aren’t more people doing it? Why has dating become such a bad word? I have two words for you…cheap guys.

Dating takes effort and money. Cheap guys withhold both. The cheap guys of the world have convinced single men and women that dating is outdated and useless. How many times have you heard a guy say: “I’m not into dating. It’s too much pressure. I like to just hang out with a girl and see how it goes.”? Hmm…let me decode this for you. “I want to get laid, but I don’t want to spend any money or go anywhere. Maybe I can get her to fall for the old ‘let’s just hang out and watch movies’ line.” Ladies, next time a guy tries this line, insist that he come over to your house. Then, invite 10 girlfriends over. When he shows up, he’ll be surprised to see a whole slew of girls watching Love Actually and sobbing uncontrollably. If he seems annoyed by the situation, just smile and say, “Oh, I thought you wanted to hang out and watch movies.”

Watching movies at some guy’s house does not constitute a date. Women deserve to be taken out and romanced. The guy who thinks he can just pop in a DVD and order a pepperoni pizza on your “date” is not worth your time or energy.

I once met a guy who said he wanted to skip dating because he just wanted to be with me. I fell for it. When we broke up two months later, I realized that he had never even taken me out. It wasn’t that he wanted to be in a relationship; it was that he didn’t want to spend any money on me. He received all my affection and sex without ever having to take me out to dinner. The guy was a genius! He should quit his job detailing cars and become a spy for the government or run for office.

How can you tell you’re dating a cheap guy?

1) He never wants to go out because he’s “sick of the scene”.
2) He tells you that Valentine’s Day is just a way for Hallmark to make money.
3) At a bar, he buys two Heinekens, and then asks you for your share.
4) He never has his wallet on him.
5) He calls himself a “homebody”.
6) For a gift, he hands you a CD still in the paper bag he bought it.
7) He’s not much of a “dater”.
8) He’s always borrowing a couple of bucks and never returning them.
9) Instead of going out and renting a DVD, he makes you watch Empire Strikes Back because he owns it…and it’s the best one of the trilogy.
10) He hates double dates because he has to pony up the same amount as the other dude.

If you are dating a cheap guy, then run. If you aren’t, now you know how to spot one. Take this precious information and pass it along to your girlfriends. They will thank you for it. If only I had been so lucky….

Men Were Put on This Earth to Drive Us Crazy

Guys. We love them one minute. We can't stand them the next. They will drive us crazy if we let them because they think on a completely different level from us. Talk to any woman, and they will agree. It's unbelievable that we can even maintain long term relationships with them. My girlfriend said it best when she was talking about her three year relationship: "I am raising a 31 year-old man." They really are like little children. Sometimes I have fights with my guy, and I just look at him like, "Are you serious right now??" Some of the things that come out of his mouth are ridiculous, and I can't believe this is actually the way he thinks. He thinks like a guy. I usually shake my head in disgust and think, "Thank God, I'm a woman."

So, why do men get on our nerves so much? Well, first of all, they have the mentality of 5 year-old boys: they whine, need extra attention when they're sick, and sometimes they treat us like their mean mommies when we get angry with them or tell them they are wrong. Second, they aren't as emotional as we are, so a lot of times when you try to tell them that their actions hurt you in some way, they have no idea why or how come you're so sensitive. Not to mention, they make dumb, selfish choices: how many times has your guy not called you when he should have or gone out with his friends even though you wanted to spend some time with him?

It takes a strong woman to be with a man. I see so many women who just allow bad behavior from their men, and it is sickening. I know of a woman who is "fine" with her new husband coming home at all hours of the night because he is out drinking with his friends. What???!!! How is she okay with this?? The way I see it is if you are in a relationship with a man, then he should be with you, not drinking until 4 or 5 in the morning with his buddies. Ladies, stick up for yourselves! Don't let these men walk all over you. Because if they think you're weak, then they will take advantage of you. It's a lonely existence when you're living with or married to a man and he's coming home at all hours of the night because he wants to be "just one of the guys". Remember, he made a choice to be with you. He can either be with you and have a solid, healthy relationship or be single and have all the free time to be a drunken idiot with his friends. You can't let him have both. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. It pains me to hear about women who just let their men come and go as they please. I'm not saying you should be the warden of the relationship. However, you shouldn't be in bed alone, waiting up for some jerk who cares more about drinking and hanging out with his buddies than he does for you and your happiness. He had time to be single before he met you. Now that he's met you, he should be done with all that.

How do we keep men from driving us crazy? It's tough. I think the key is to be the best woman you are capable of being: keep yourself healthy and happy; pamper yourself; engage in activities that you are passionate; and always stay independent. If you remain a happy and empowered woman, then you will be able to take on anything, especially when it comes to dealing with a man and their stupidity. A man will respect a strong-willed woman. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Don't let a man take advantage of or manipulate you. Always remember: you don't need a guy in your life; you just choose to have one. You don't need a man to complete you because you are already COMPLETE.

"Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it." - Jerry Seinfeld

There's Something About Miriam

"There's Something About Miriam" is a British reality TV show which premiered in 2004. Fox Reality TV is just now showing it. My boyfriend and I had the pleasure of catching the first episode last night. Oh my dear God, talk about a train wreck of a show!! You see, this reality show is about 6 British guys, total boobs who like to drink a lot and tend to get naked with each other...weird, who are brought to a extravagant seaside villa in Ibiza, Spain to meet a gorgeous model and compete for a $10,000 prize and a romantic getaway with the lovely woman. Sounds too good to be true? That's probably because it is: the lovely Miriam is indeed a model, but she is not technically a woman because although she has a stunning face and body there is something that lies beneath. She still has her male genitalia...gasp! However, these young, horny men have no idea, so they treat her like a woman and they spend their days trying to seduce him/her. Crazy, huh? How did the producers get away with it??? They didn't. After the series ended and Miriam's secret was disclosed to the men, the men filed a lawsuit against the producers, suing them for sexual assault, breach of contract, and personal injury because they suffered emotional distress and psychological damage. They ended up settling out of court for an undisclosed amount. These poor chaps may be a little richer, but they will always have the psyche shattering memories of hooking up with a guy. File this under: The Crying Game.