Weeknights

For some reason, weeknights just blend together; I can't remember one from the next. Lately, I've been trying to hit the gym and still make it home to cook dinner. It's so much cheaper and healthier than ordering take-out every night. Now, if I left it up to my boyfriend, he would, with no doubt in my mind, order buffalo fingers or pizza every night. He loves take-out, but it's expensive. We're on a tight budget these days. We are planning a trip to Vegas at the end of February. Between our rent, living expenses, and the trip, we are dead broke right now. It's sad, but we're happy regardless. You know things are bad when you receive that automatic e-mail alert from your bank telling you that you have reached your pre-set low limit threshold...ouch! Things are tough right now, but we know that it is only temporary. In the meantime, we are eating at home. My boyfriend must be going through buffalo fingers withdrawal as we speak! I've never seen anybody like buffalo fingers as much as he does, or any food for that matter. He needs BFO aka Buffalo Fingers Anonymous. Some people dream about unicorns and mysterious lands afar; my boyfriend dreams about buffalo fingers.

Cooking every night is tough. I give my mom a lot of credit for always having dinner ready every night when we were growing up. It takes a lot of work. You have to plan the meals, get the food, and then cook it. I like cooking, but it's a pain in the ass, especially when I'm exhausted from work and just want to order a pizza. I know a lot of people who either don't eat dinner or order take-out every night. I love dinner, and food in general, too much to skip it. If I ordered take-out every night, I would either be morbidly obese or living in a cardboard box or both! We used to go out to dinner once or twice a week, but lately my boyfriend doesn't have the tolerance for the general public. He said he deals with so many idiots in his line of work that he can't stand actually dealing with these morons face to face. I think he just needs a better job - something we are currently working on.

So, once I've cooked, we've eaten, and I've done dishes, I get to watch the wasteland that is the current state of television. Shows I love right now are: Paranormal State with Ryan Buell (you are a dreamboat), Real Housewives of Orange County (you women are horrible human beings), and Rock of Love 2 (you are an old guy who used to be a famous rock star trying to screw skanky drunk girls who either strip or prostitute themselves for meth). It's amazing the crap I watch, but I love it. I enjoy crime shows on A&E; there are too many to name. I also like any show where a person tries to flip a house and fails miserably. My boyfriend and I get great pleasure out of these people's misery. There are a ton of "flipping houses" show, but the best one is Property Ladder. There are so many morons out there who think they will make a ton of money flipping their house, and they think it will be relatively easy. The best is when they say that it will take 4 weeks, and their budget is $30,000 ha ha. It's always triple the time and double the budget.

So, between the gym, cooking, watching my favorite crappy shows, I'm exhausted. It's become like a little routine, but I like it. It's not as good as a weekend night by any means, but it has its own charm.

The Grass is Always Greener

This week, I had the pleasure of spending time with three different girlfriends. It was nice to spend some quality chick time, and I had a great time doing it. Each woman is in a completely different dating/relationship situation. One is living with her boyfriend but neglected; one is single and looking; the other is in a relationship, but isn't sure if it's the right one. It was fascinating to see how these three women, all smart and beautiful were so unhappy with their current situations. It got me thinking: is anybody really "happy" in their relationships?

How many people do you really know who are truly satisfied in their dating/relationship situations? I can't really think of anybody, and that's the truth. I can't stand those people who pretend to have amazing relationships where they never fight, and life with their partners is one big fairy tale. You know what I say to those people? "GIMME A FUCKING BREAK!" I love my boyfriend, and we have a decent relationship, but do we fight with each other? Absolutely. We have disagreements, and sometimes we have fights. It's all part of having a relationship. I cannot imagine not fighting; it would be weird. How could you possibly get along with a person so well? I have days where I absolutely am head over heels with my guy, but I have also have days where I don't even want to look at him. I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I think it's perfectly normal not to live a fairy tale.

My girlfriends complained to me how they weren't satisfied. The women who were in relationships talked about how they were happier and more fulfilled when they were single, and the single one said she was lonely and wanted to find a guy. So, basically no matter what your situation is, you're most likely gazing over the other side of the fence staring at the grass. Even I catch myself doing it. There are some days, especially after having a nasty fight with my boyfriend, I think life was so much easier when I was single. Then, when I actually think about the days of my single life, I cringe because I remember how miserable and lonely I was. I desperately wanted to find a guy who would love me and treat me right. It took me a long time to find him, and that journey was full of heartbreak, suffering, and loneliness. It's not easy being single; I know that. However, I want my lovely and young girlfriend to enjoy her life as a single girl, a life full of freedom and reckless abandon. I would like for her to take full advantage of her life now, so she doesn't regret it later. When she's in her 30's and married with children or just in a serious, long-term relationship, she needs to look back at those wonderful years as something special, instead of what I saw them as: years I would like to forget.

When I was single, I was so focused on not being with anybody that I couldn't enjoy my life. I was sad, and I may have hid it in front of my friends, but at night when I was by myself I would cry myself to sleep. I wanted love in my life because I thought it was the missing puzzle piece. I thought it would solve all my problems; it doesn't. As my other two girlfriends know, love creates more problems. It makes life more complicated. It's no longer about you anymore. You now have a person who relies on you for comfort, stability, and love. You have to give him everything you have without losing yourself in the process. There are days you get ignored, and you feel very lonely. You sit by yourself as your guy neglects you because he is too caught up in whatever he's going through at the time. His problems become your problems. So now, instead of just dealing with your own issues, you have somebody else's as well. You try hard to give him everything he needs and wants, but some days he needs too much. You give and give, but you get little in return.

Men just don't understand what women need. This is the reason why so many relationships don't last. They have no clue. Women need affection and compliments. They need somebody to listen to them, somebody who will have a conversation with them. Women want to feel wanted. I can't tell you how painful it is when you are neglected in a relationship. It's the loneliest you will ever feel. You feel like a ghost in the room. You don't feel loved. My girlfriends know that feeling all too well. Unfortunately, I do too. You pretend it doesn't bother you, but then the tears roll down your face. You don't want to cry, but you can't help it. You just want him to hold you, but instead he acts like you're not there. It's a lonely existence. My girlfriends know this loneliness, but they don't know what to do. Do they break up with these guys, only to meet new guys who will do the same thing? Do they deal with it, living in unhappiness? I don't know the answer. I have chosen to deal with it because I love my boyfriend, and I understand that he doesn't know how much he hurts me sometimes. I've tried keeping myself fulfilled in other ways: reading, writing, or just spending 20 minutes at the gym trying to look and feel better.

My mom has always told me, "A man will not fulfill a woman. A woman must fulfill herself." It's not romantic, but it's the truth. And, this week, I saw three perfect examples of it. It was so sad to see three amazing women who were trying so hard and getting so little. One is hoping that her live-in boyfriend will show her some affection, instead of falling asleep on the couch after dinner, and the other desperately wants her boyfriend to take her out to dinner, something he never does. These women ask for so little, and yet they get even less. I saw the sadness in their eyes as they told me their stories. I saw the pain they were trying to hide. I wanted to hug them and tell them that it would be alright, but the truth is I don't know if it will be. I don't know if things will ever get better for them. I hope with all my heart they do. I wish their men see what they're not giving them. Yet, I also want them to realize that true fulfillment comes from within.

The grass may appear greener on the other side, but it's not necessarily better.

The Quest for a New Body

It's never a good sign when you put on your workout clothes, and they're tight. This happened to me recently. There's nothing worse than gym pants that are supposed to be a little baggy, and they're skin tight. It's a bad feeling, and I felt really uncomfortable being seen in public. I thought about skipping the gym until I had a decent pair of workout pants, but I had a pre-scheduled health evaluation. I had to go with my bad pants. I had to keep pulling them down to prevent the dreaded camel toe because nobody should have to be witness to the camel toe. So right around 4:45, I head down to my health evaluation. The guy at the front desk takes my heart rate, my blood pressure; all are normal. Then, he puts me on the scale. I almost fainted when he told me how much I weighed. I have never thought of myself as a heavy person, but when I heard the numbers come out of his mouth, I realized I was a big tubbo. Had I been in denial for months? Didn't I notice my pants and shirts were a little tighter than usual? Yes, I was in denial. I think since I don't own a full length mirror right now, I could just hide in my little fantasy world of still having a good body. I'm a good 20 lbs overweight right now, and I'm not happy with my body; I just don't feel like myself anymore. It's a bad feeling. I blame it on many things: stress over the past few months, the holidays, and getting a little too comfortable in my relationship.

So, now I am on the quest for a new body, a better body, a healthier body, and a sexier body. I am committed to working out, eating well, and not feeling sorry for myself anymore. I'm fat, and I've accepted it. After that dreadful day of my skin tight pants, the camel toe, and the weigh-in, I went out and bought a pair of really baggy workout pants. They're HUGE, but they're comfortable, and I feel good in them. I feel like it's a good start. I know this physical journey will take some patience and a lot of effort, but I'm taking everything one step on the Stairmaster at a time.

Another Quiet Friday Night

There's not much going on tonight. My boyfriend has to work late, so I am holed up in the apartment with Peter the cat, doing laundry and watching Lifetime. I just caught the season premiere of "How to Look Good Naked", and I loved it. Carson Kressly, the blonde flamboyant guy from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", hosts this makeover show with heart. The show takes one woman with a low self-esteem and poor body image and with positive reinforcement, a fabulous makeover, and a sexy photoshoot in the buff, she is transformed into a confident, beautiful woman. It's so refreshing to see women embracing their own bodies and accepting their flaws. These women do not have perfect bodies, but they are beautiful and shapely; the way a woman's body should be. Carson Kressly is a vivacious host; he's the type of gay man a woman would love to hang out with for a day and go shopping and take Cosmo breaks. He's funny, sweet, and bursting with compliments. Wow, I need this guy to jump out of the dressing room while I'm trying on bathing suits.

I also caught the premiere of "Matching Manhattan" which was pretty uninteresting, considering it was about desperate singles in NYC. I love a good matchmaking show. My boyfriend and I used to religiously watch A&E's "Confessions of a Matchmaker" with the abrasive Patti and her motley crew of losers looking for love. This show was boring, and the matchmaker is this guy who reminds me of a game show host or a weather man with a bad orange tan. There's something slightly artificial about him; he looks like a mannequin. One dater was so clueless that he actually told a girl he loved her two dates into their courtship. Now, isn't this rule #1 in dating? Another woman brought up the fact that she doesn't want kids on the first date. Talk about too much information. Once she said it, the table got very quiet, and I was almost expecting some tumbleweed to drift by. Then, there was the woman who broke up with the guy who told her he loved her after two dates; she broke up with him over text. The orange tinted matchmaker was not happy with this. Apparently, adults aren't supposed to break up over text - who would've thunk it??!! I think this show is for novice daters with no common sense. "What do you mean I'm supposed to put on pants before I go outside??!!" It's a decent show if you want to laugh at people who don't have a clue about dating; although now that I think about it, does anybody?