Rapid Rob and Lessons in Attraction

As many of you know, I've been doing some online dating. Recently, I posted an ad on an online dating site. A guy with the e-mail name "Rapid Rob" replied to my ad. His e-mail was the standard "I'm awesome, and this is why" e-mail, which is great, but to me, physical looks are the first thing I look for. I think physical attraction is very important, especially when online dating.

If I don't like the way you look, then I'm probably not going to like you in person either. Call me superficial, but this is just how I roll. Rapid Rob sent me a picture, and it wasn't that good: he was standing on the beach with his nephew (see my article: The 10 Guys You Meet Online where I list the "Children/Dog Lover Guy"); he was wearing a baseball cap, and it was tough to see what he looked like.

If you have hair, then I want to see it, and if you don't, then I want to see that, too. Show me your face without hats or sunglasses partially covering it. As my friend always says regarding guys' online dating profiles: "I'm going to find out eventually what you look like, so you better show me now. You're not hiding from the paparazzi. You're trying to get dates."

From what I could see of Rapid Rob, I didn't like. I wasn't attracted to him (it happens!), and I never e-mailed him back. Rapid Rob has obviously never been rejected before, because he chose to e-mail me the following:

very surprised i never heard back from you. i mean, it's certainly not like your out of my league physically. if anything, i'd say i'm a little out of yours.

oh well, your loss!

To which I responded:

Well, first of all, you didn't send the best picture. I really can't tell what you like while you're wearing a baseball cap, even when I zoom in. Second of all, consider yourself lucky that you didn't have to slum it or lower your standards with me. You obviously think you're pretty amazing. Good luck with that.

And then RR replied back because he's a clueless asshole:

in other words, you were concerned i might be bald or losing my hair--which i'm not by the way, but the mere fact that you place such a high priority on hair shows how superficial you are. i mean, we're not 21 anymore...

And then, I e-mailed him the following:

This is obviously your first time doing online dating because you're completely clueless to the unspoken rules. Newsflash! Not everybody is going to be attracted to each other. If I ignore your e-mail, then just move on, don't continue to send me e-mails, making snarky comments. Your pic was not good because your face was partially covered by the hat... Duh! Now, go harass some other girl. I don't date vaginas and that's what you're acting like.

Of course, RR had more to say, because he always has to have the last word:

boy, i guess i dodged a bullet with you!....
i'm going to make one point and then i'm done: people tend to pair up with those who are about on their level physically in terms of looks. i pointed out that from a purely objective standpoint, you are NOT out of my league. we're both about a 7.

i see a lot of unrealstic women out there, and i think you are one. i'm handsome, but it's not good enough; you want (and think you can get) a super-handsome, hot man who has all sorts of other wonderful qualities too.

There were a couple more e-mails where I basically told him to go on Match.com, and then I said that there would be women who would think he was the bees' knees, and he had to send one snarky e-mail back about how Match was full of "fat and unattractive" people, and that's probably why I would never go on there. Little does he know that I have a profile on Match. But whatever, let Rapid Rob believe whatever he has to, to help him deal with the fact that there was a woman on this planet that was not attracted to him. Seriously, get the fuck over it! If you can't accept rejection, then you shouldn't be dating.

And, what's up with the name "Rapid Rob"? I told my friend that the name made me think "one minute man". Am I the only one who thinks this way? It's not a good name if you're trying to attract women to date. I also love his comment about how he "dodged a bullet" with me. Umm, I never threw a bullet his way, because I WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM.

Can you imagine going through life, expecting that people you believe to be equal to your "attraction rating" should be automatically attracted to you? It's no wonder why this guy is single at 37. He's a bitter, delusional man who doesn't understand the world of dating or even the laws of attraction. I wish him all the best, and I truly believe that some woman out there will see him and think he's the bees' knees. Fortunately, it wasn't me.

I Wanted to Talk to You, But I Had to Take a Sh#t

Have you ever been just minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you realize that you have to take a shit really bad? Well that's what happened to me this morning.

It was around 8 AM today (Thursday) when I was sitting on Metro North and got that horrible feeling. I wasn't even sure I'd make it to Grand Central. Unfortunately, taking a shit on the train was out of the question. Have you ever seen a Metro North bathroom? My only choice was to sit there an pretend nothing was a matter.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally arrived at Grand Central. I made my way to the front of the train so I wouldn't have to deal with all the people on the platform when I got off. It was at this time that I realized that taking a shit in Grand Central was also out of the question. I think there is probably about a 75% chance that you'll get hepatitis if you try to take a shit in Grand Central. My only choice was to try to make it to my luxury Chelsea office where we actually have sanitary bathrooms.

Now it's probably about 8:10. As I'm running down the stairs into the subway, I notice the downtown 4-5-6 platform is exceptionally crowded. The conductor of the 5 train announces that the 5 train is out of service, and all passengers must leave the train. It must be Murphy's Law in action.

I walked across the platform to get on the downtown 6 train when I saw you standing next to me. You were probably about average height for a girl, brown hair, black or dark blue jacket, green skirt, brown boots, and a great smile.

ON ANY OTHER DAY, I would have swept you off your feet. If you were to ask any of my girlfriends in the last few years, they would probably tell you that I just came up to them on the street, in a book store, in the subway, etc, and said, "Hi," before proceding to charm the a smile out of them. But today was not my day. There was no way I could have confidently talked to you while at the same time pretending nothing was wrong with my bowels.

Anyway, we both got on a very crowded 6 train. I was holding on to the pole for dear life, and you were holding on to the same pole standing across from me. I'm 5'11", brown hair, athletic build, and I was wearing jeans, a blueish t-shirt, and a black jacket. I think you got off at 28th St, but I was in no state of mind to keep track. It could have been 33rd or 23rd.

When I finally reached my office, I ran up 4 flights of stairs (because I couldn't wait for the elevator) and made a beeline to the bathroom, unzipping my pants as I opened the door. I swear, if I had been delayed by even a second because I tried to get your number in the subway, I would have had to call someone to bring my some new clothes. I barely had my pants down when it forced itself out. I ended up using entire industrial sized roll of toilet paper. You have no idea how raw my ass felt after using that much 1-ply sandpaper-toilet paper. I think the toilet itself is in therapy now.


***Summary***

You:
Took downtown 6 from Grand Central
Brown hair
Black (or other dark color) jacket
Green skirt
Brown boots


Me:
5'11"
Athletic build
Dark blue jeans
Blueish t-shirt
Black jacket
Normally extremely confident
Fears public bathrooms

Via Best of Craigslist

I Went on a Date Friday...

I'm about 95% positive that this guy was on something. He was swaying, fumbling around for his money when it was time to pay the waitress for our two drinks, and he was talking complete nonsense and he was constantly rolling his eyes. I'm guessing he was under the influence of Oxycontin or some kind of painkiller. He was a mess. I left after two drinks, and he was almost passed out on the bar.

He texted me yesterday to apologize, saying that he hopes that I could forgive him. He said that he had been drinking with his friends. What was he drinking, Absinthe?! GHB maybe? I've seen drunk people and I've seen people on drugs. I'm going with the latter.

Sadly, he was the cutest guy I had been on a date with in a while.

This is the ridiculousness of my love life.

I'm Coming Back Soon

I miss this blog. I'm getting a computer within the next couple of weeks. I'm on my roommate's right now.

I have many ridiculous online dating stories to share. Life as a single girl is like Alice in Through the Looking Glass: it's one weird scenario after another. At this point, I don't know which end is up, but it keeps me entertained, if anything.

I will be back...very soon.

Lots of Love,
Colette