I Went on a Date Friday...

I'm about 95% positive that this guy was on something. He was swaying, fumbling around for his money when it was time to pay the waitress for our two drinks, and he was talking complete nonsense and he was constantly rolling his eyes. I'm guessing he was under the influence of Oxycontin or some kind of painkiller. He was a mess. I left after two drinks, and he was almost passed out on the bar.

He texted me yesterday to apologize, saying that he hopes that I could forgive him. He said that he had been drinking with his friends. What was he drinking, Absinthe?! GHB maybe? I've seen drunk people and I've seen people on drugs. I'm going with the latter.

Sadly, he was the cutest guy I had been on a date with in a while.

This is the ridiculousness of my love life.

Scary Bad Date

This horrific date story was e-mailed to me, and I've been meaning to post it for quite some time. Some bad date stories are so bad that they're funny. This one, however, is not one of those: this bad date story is downright frightening. Let this be a cautionary tale to all you fabulous and sexy women out there who are trying to find love online. Just because you talk to a guy online, doesn't mean you really know him. Cyberstalk the shit out of him if you have to.

And always meet in a public place. Never go to his place, or have him come to yours. Follow your instincts and be cautious at all times. The most important thing is to make sure you keep yourself safe and sound :-)And I would like to thank this reader for sharing such an incredibly personal experience.

I was about 19 so this was about 10 years ago when IM'ing was still a novelty. (See how the internet keeps getting me in trouble?) I had a friend who moved from Florida (where I live) to Michigan and we would chat every once in a while. One night I was chatting with him in a chat room (can't remember why we were in a "chat room" but whatever). Some other guy, Jason, starts talking to us and my friend said he knew him from school and whatever.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I start talking to this guy who is a friend of a friend who lives in Michigan. I had a boyfriend but I was severely flirtting with this kid because I figured, "what's the harm? He lives in Michigan!" We exchanged numbers and information via email but neither of us ever called the other and we had been emailing for several weeks, maybe even a few months.

Well, one morning at 5 am (I'll never forget!) I get a phone call from Jason, and he tells me he is in Fort Lauderdale at a Greyhound bus station. I didn't know what to do but from what little I knew of this kid, he seemed really nice, so I go to the bus station to pick him up. He stunk like he hadn't showered...ever and he had this dirty duffle bag with him and he looked like his parents were blood related. I thought he looked similar to the pictures I had seen, but not close enough. Something was up.

So, I take him to a hotel and tell him he NEEDS to shower immediatly because I'm going to puke. He gets out of the shower and I notice something around his ankle. I asked him about it and he tells me he used to be on house arrest but he's done with his sentance. His parole officer, "forgot to cut off the ankle monitor." (DUDE! WTF?!?!) So, you can imagine at this point I'm totaly freaking out!

Okay, this is getting really long. I didn't realize how long this story was! Basicaly, here is what happened. I got back to my house, leaving "Jason" in the hotel room, went to my email and got "Jason's" home phone number. I call it and the REAL JASON ANSWERS! He tells me that this guy is his brother!!! He got my info from the emails and decided to come down here to meet me! HE IS STILL ON HOUSE ARREST AND NOW VERY MUCH WANTED BY THE POLICE!!! The Real Jason, as he's come to be known, tells me to buy his brother a ticket to Orlando (they had an uncle who lived there) and the police would be there to meet him.

I bought the ticket, dropped him off at the bus station and drove off thankful to be alive! Apparenly this guy was on house arrest for crimes which included things like breaking and entering, attempted rape and cocaine possesion. Some when he was under 18. (Hence the house arrest, I guess).

This guy actually called me (I guess he still had my number which I promptly CHANGED) from jail and asked if we could work this out! Amazingly he never contacted me again or tried to get in touch with me after getting out of jail. It was a mess and a pretty "bad date." HA!

Date with a Dipshit

Since it's 2009 and I'm currently single, I thought I would share one of the many bad date stories I have in my vault. I try my best not to think of them, so I keep them in a very dark place in my mind, along with memories of high school and my first boyfriend.

Years ago,my roommate at the time worked at a bar/club called The Exchange, and he and his girlfriend were going over there to drink for free and party it up. It was a Saturday night. I was supposed to have gone out with my boyfriend and all his friends to some club downtown, but he ended up calling me around 5 and telling me to hit the bricks.

He said that I wasn't "the one for him", and I "didn't challenge him", and there was "nothing" I could possibly do to be the person that he needed. Ouch. Yeah, this break-up was awful. Everybody has that one break-up that almost kills them, and this one was mine.

I was devastated. Why I didn't stay home is beyond me. I guess I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want to feel the intense pain because if anything I was in shock. I didn't feel the pain yet, and I wanted to prolong it as long as possible before I did. So, I went out with my roommate and his girlfriend. And I got completely obliterated.

I blacked out. I don't remember anything about the night or even the people I encountered. The next morning, I woke up with a killer hangover and my roommate telling me about some guy with whom he worked with at the club who wanted my number. Apparently, I had been dancing with him that night. Actually, I wasn't the one dancing because Colette had left her physical body, and somebody else had taken over at that point. She must've been a good dancer, whoever she was.

I call him, or he calls me, and we agree to meet up. He asks me to meet him at a local bar/pool hall called Boston Billiards, and when I show up, he's with his friend playing pool. I should've run, but I didn't. Who brings another dude on your date?!

Then, he tells me how we should go over to this club called Bill's Bar. It's a small place, and this particular night was Hip-Hop night. All three of us head over, and we have to pay money to get in, and I don't think he paid for me, but I do remember the ticket girl gave me a really nasty look as if I had just shit on her heels or something. I had no idea what her problem was. I was used to girls giving me dirty looks: I had cocktailed for a few years. You get used to the stink eyes after a while.

So, this guy, his friend and I go in, and my date is pretty much ignoring me. I'm standing there by myself with a drink I bought, and I'm trying my best not to feel really awkward and out of place, but it's pretty much impossible. The guy and his friend are talking to some people across the room, and I'm just there drinking my cocktail, hoping nobody notices me. I want to leave, but I don't.

When all of a sudden, the bitch on wheels ticket girl comes up to me and gets in my face and starts asking me a bunch of questions like how I know this guy and if I've had sex with him! Who does that?! I told her I didn't know him, and NO, I had not had sex with him, but she didn't believe me.

And she was drinking a beer, and she dumped it on me. So, I took my drink and dumped it on her. I felt like I was on The Jerry Springer Show. It was surreal. I am so not the "Bitch, I'll throw a drink in your face" type of gal. However, she left me no choice. You throw a drink on me, honey, you best be sure, I'm throwing a drink back.

Then, this maniac grabs the first bouncer she sees, and because she works there, I get thrown out. They physically remove me from the establishment, and it is super embarrassing, but I am so angry that I don't even care. I stand on the sidewalk for about 5 minutes, waiting to see if that dipshit would come out. But he didn't.

I take a cab home, soaked in beer and trying my best to hold back my tears. Around 2:30am, I get a phone call from Prince Charming, asking what happened to me and why I left. 2:30! The club was small. I'm sure he had seen everything, or at the very least heard about it.

I asked him why he would take me to a place where he was dating or had dated somebody, and he smugly replied: "Well, then there would be no place for me to go." Apparently, he was screwing or had screwed half the cocktail waitresses/bartenders/ticket girls at every bar/club in the city. He was a real catch.

About a year later, I ran into him and his "date" one night when I was waitressing at a bar near Fenway Park. I served them drinks, and the girl seemed really nice. I wanted to warn her what a douchemuffin the guy was, but I didn't. I figured I would let her figure that out by herself, like I had to do.

I hope for her sake he didn't take her anywhere later in the night where she would be physically assaulted with drinks by a crazed and jealous woman, but you never know.

If you have a bad date story, and you want to share: please e-mail me at coletteslovebytes@gmail.com

Bad Date Story: Online Dating Gone Wrong

I just got an e-mail from a woman who wanted to share this bad date story involving a real keeper she met online:

I decided to try online dating a few years ago. Many of my friends, who were happily coupled, had met their significant others this way so I figured, how bad could it be?? (Famous last words!) Eventually, I met someone I thought would be interesting. He composed a lovely email, had good grammar (very important!) and was generally pleasant over Instant Message. Also, he built and sold (and played) acoustic guitars. Awesome.

So, the day of our date he had planned to visit his parents about 2 hours away. He called me in the morning to tell me that he thought he'd be home around 6pm and he would be ready to go out around 7 or 8. Okay. Well, around 7 he called to let me know that he had just left his parents house. (WTF?) He gave me directions to his house and asked me to meet him there. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but whatever. Okay, so I get to his house at 9 (2 hours after he left his parents) and he doesn't show up until 10. (I was calling and calling but he never answered the phone...odd)

So, we meet in his parking lot and it's awkward and dark but whatever. He invites me up and I was feeling a little trepidatious about that but I go. He went into his room to change and tells me to get him a diet pepsi from the fridge (excuse me, do I live here?). I do, and when he emerges from the room, he's dressed WORSE then when he went into the room and smoking a cigarette (blech!).

He grabs the diet pepsi and chugs it then plops down on the couch. You would have thought we were an old married couple, not two people meeting for the first time. He invites me to sit next to him and I do but I said, "So are we going out?" And he said, "Nah. It's too late. We're going to watch a movie and then I'm going to play the guitar for a bit and sing to you. Do you want to smoke a joint I found at my parents house? It's probably like 10 years old!" I was just shaking my head in disbelief!

As I got up to leave I noticed the worst part...HE HAD A TOUPEE!!!!! A BAD ONE! It might as well have had a chin-strap! Needless to say, we never spoke again and I LEFT QUICKLY!

Handling the Bad Date

How many times have you been on a bad date? It's usually a blind date or a guy you met online, but he looks nothing like his picture and you're not attracted to him. So, what do you do? Do you run? Do you hide in the bathroom and then sneak out when he's not looking? Should you tell the guy you're not interested and then excuse yourself from the rest of the date? The answer is simple...start drinking A LOT. Order wine, gin and tonics, vodka and cranberries, tequila shots with lime, etc. Drink until you're right at the point of oblivion, and then thank him and say, "We should really do this again some time." Make it seem as if you really want to see him again. Otherwise, he's going to feel pretty shafted, especially when he sees the tab. Kiss him on the cheek if you have to. Also, if you don't know this person, keep an eye on your drink. Make sure once the waitress or bartender gives it to you, it stays in your sight. You don't want Mr. Bad Conversation to slip you anything.

Now, drinking copious amounts of liquor will not turn that frog into a prince, but it will help you have fun with the poor sap. It might loosen you up a little bit, and who knows maybe you'll see another side to this guy. Maybe he isn't as bad as you thought and maybe, just maybe he's nervous and needs a second date to work out the kinks. These are all possibilities. There are a lot of guys out there who aren't so bad; they just need practice at dating. So, remember be positive, pleasant, and plastered and turn your bad date into a night you'll probably forget in the morning ;-)