Last year I was involved with somebody. I considered him a friend before anything, but there was more too it as well. Our relationship was somewhat complicated and yet completely simple because there was a comfort level between us as if we had known each other for years. We were together all the time, and I felt a connection with him. We weren't completely together. We weren't in a committed relationship. He had told me that he was getting over a break-up, but little did I know, there was so much more.
He had a serious drug addiction. He was in his "I'm going to get clean and start a new life" phase. He had been in and out of treatment. He had a pattern of stealing from his girlfriends. Unfortunately, he repeated this pattern with me. There were so many lies, so much deception, and manipulation. He had me twisted around his little finger.
I loved him. I cared about the person I thought he was. I fell in love with the person he showed to me. I didn't know anything else. He had put a blindfold over my eyes. The only truth I knew was his truth, a twisted version of reality. It mirrored his dreams of how he wanted to be perceived. Nobody knew him here, so he could be anybody. He liked that he could tell me stories about the person deep down he wanted to be and I would believe every word. I was his perfect audience. He loved talking to me and now I know why.
I'm still dealing with the pain of it all. I know it's been several months. I'm trying as hard as I can to get over this, but he hurt me in ways unimaginable. I've never had anybody do what he did to me. It's as if he had broken a piece of my soul. I haven't dated anybody. I haven't even been interested in the opposite sex.
I was devastated when everything fell apart. My heart shattered. He left (ran actually, to go on a bender), met another drug addict and plastered her Facebook wall with how much he loved her; but before all that, he stole from me as he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear about how he was falling in love with me. The money he took from me he used to get hotel rooms, drugs, and food with his new "girlfriend."
The thought of opening myself up to somebody scares me. I want to fall in love. I want to find happiness, but I want true love. I don't want to settle for anything less. I want to trust somebody. I want to feel emotion again. I want to feel sexy again. Now, I just feel blank. I get sad sometimes. I cry when I talk about him. I cry when I think about him. How could somebody do that? I've asked that question so many times. I've haunted myself with the answers.
His trial is next week, May 17th. It has been postponed many times since he has been in an in-patient drug treatment program. They have been waiting for him to get out before they try him for grand larceny. I want everything to be over. I don't want to hear his name anymore. I don't want to get phone calls about the trial. I want him to disappear from my reality. I wish I could completely erase his name from my memory. But some things we are forced to remember. Some things will just always be there, whether we like it or not.
I want to be happy again, meet somebody wonderful, and move on with my life once and for all. Out of the darkness and into the light.
New beginnings...
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